The importance of men speaking out against intimate partner violence

Violence against women and girls has dominated the news over the last few months, becoming an ever more urgent issue. In the UK, police chiefs recently described the situation as a “national emergency” while The Guardian said that 2024 would be defined as “Britain’s summer of male violence”. Most of this violence perpetrated against women is committed by their partners or former partners – like Carol Hunt and her two daughters, Louise and Hannah, who were killed by Louise’s ex-boyfriend.

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is one of the most common forms of violence against women, with almost one third of women worldwide reporting that they have been subjected to some forms of physical or sexual violence by their partners. In the UK, on average, 140 women are killed by men a year (over two women a week). Earlier this year in Turkey, seven women were killed by their partners or ex-partners in a single day. It’s statistics like these that led YSL Beauty to launch its global programme in 2020, Abuse is Not Love, to bring attention to and prevent intimate partner violence. 

“At YSL Beauty we choose to fight against intimate partner violence, because it’s one of the most under-reported, underfunded and most prevalent forms of violence against women,” Juleah Love, global head of brand corporate engagement at YSL Beauty, tells Dazed. “The fact is, intimate partner violence is a crime that thrives in silence, it’s typically taboo. And we need to break the stigma in order to solve it,” says Love. “Through this thought leadership piece, it’s important for us that men can engage other boys and men to question their peers and see themselves as part of the solution.”

As part of this campaign, this year YSL Beauty has turned attention to spotlighting how to engage men to help end this male violence against women. The brand has partnered with Dr Michael Kaufman, co-founder of the White Ribbon campaign, and Dr Gary Barker, CEO of Equimundo, to produce a report with a particular focus on men who keep silent about the abuse and violence committed by their friends and colleagues.

Here, we speak to Dr Michael Kaufman about talking to young men about IPV, countering the harmful messaging of online influencers, and encouraging men to speak out.

A lot of the messaging around domestic and gendered violence, traditionally, has felt like it’s directed towards women and how they can keep themselves safe, rather than telling men to stop. Is this the wrong approach?

Dr Michael Kaufman: Messaging to women the warning signs of intimate partner violence is critical. I don’t want any woman, young or old to say, ’he hit me or he wants to control me because he loves me’. So that’s one part of the picture of preventing and responding to intimate partner violence, but it’s incomplete. Most IPV that causes physical harm is done by a man, so this is a men’s issue. Even if a man is not committing the violence himself, by staying silent, it’s giving tacit approval.

These are longstanding problems. They’re problems that are complex, that have many different reasons for them so we need a range of responses. We need those continued legal reforms. We need that training of police and judges. We need public education in our schools, in the media. We need better support programs for women’s refuges. We need parenting programmes to make sure that we’re keeping violence out of the home. We need programmes for men who use violence. We need to challenge this sexism and misogyny that underlines the violence. As we say in this paper, we need initiatives and education aimed specifically at men and boys to end the silence.

The paper mentions the work that can be done with young men, especially at schools and universities. Can you tell me more about your approach when you’re targeting younger generations?

Dr Michael Kaufman: One of the key things for me is to provide a safe space for boys and men to talk about their lives as men. When we see these young men getting attracted to online male influencers, I think [that stems from] young men feeling genuinely lost these days. What’s that about? We have a mainstream culture that is still bombarding boys and men with these messages about what it takes to be a real man. You have to be strong and powerful and rich and in control. No weaknesses. Play through pain. A body like a Greek god.

You’re supposed to have all these things, but what man can live up to all this crap? We can’t. There’s this dialogue of self doubt: ‘am I a real man?’ Boys and men live in fear of not being manly enough, live in fear of not living up to these expectations, fear of what other men will do or say to them, the taunting, the teasing, the harassing, all that stuff that we know goes on. Then male influencers come along and say, ‘Hey, boys, I’ve got a solution for you’, and that’s to bulk up, to just reassert your manly rights in your manhood. And it’s very seducing.

”Silence, even if that’s not the intention, ends up feeling like consent” – Dr Michael Kaufman

So what can be done to counter these messages from influencers like Andrew Tate? 

Dr Michael Kaufman: One of the focuses of the Abuses is Not Love campaign is this wonderful animation with the nine key warning signs. Yes, it may have been first designed for women to see. ‘Is this happening to me?’ But men can look at it and think, ‘Is my buddy doing that? Am I doing those things?’ So being able to recognise inappropriate behaviour and to provide alternatives is best. 

None of us want to be told we’re stupid or we’re idiots or we’re wrong. It just doesn’t work. One of the things that we know is that positive messages work; inviting people into a conversation, validating people, treating young people with respect. If we want to say to a young man respect women, we’ve got to show them respect as well.

The campaign is encouraging men to speak out – what do you think is stopping men, at the moment, from doing so?

Dr Michael Kaufman: I think, first of all, there’s many good men out there who would say, ‘I know this is a problem, but I’m not violent. I don’t hit my girlfriend or wife. I don’t commit sexual assault’. But they don’t realise how men’s silence allows the violence to continue. If men are the majority of lawmakers, are speaking from the pulpits of religious institutions, if those men are silent, it’s almost giving tacit approval. Silence, even if that’s not the intention, ends up feeling like consent. Other men are going to think, ‘Oh, well, if you don’t speak out when I belittle my girlfriend in public, you must do it too. It must be okay.’ 

I think there’s men who are fearful to stick their head above the parapet. Remember, I was saying they live in fear of not being one of the guys, not being a real man. If you start speaking out to your mates about that sexist joke, that rape joke, or if you start saying, ‘you shouldn’t treat your wife that way’, you know it’s going to get turned on you instead.

There’s also not knowing what to do. You’re on a bus and you see a woman being harassed, maybe by someone she knows, maybe by someone else. What do you do? Some men will have the physical ability and the nerve and the training to just step in physically. Most men don’t. They don’t know what to do. They don’t know they can go speak to the bus driver and say there’s a woman being harassed. It doesn’t occur to them to call the police. It doesn’t occur to them to talk to other people on the bus. It doesn’t occur to them, if it’s someone they know, to change the subject, get him talking about something else.

We need education that helps boys and men find their own voices and learn that there are ways that they can take action that aren’t just the action movie of wading in with your fists. Although there are times I’ve spoken to men who’ve done that. Most of us, that’s not what we can do. So there’s just physical fear, there’s mental fear, just not even knowing what’s right or wrong sometimes.

When you’re speaking to groups of men, do you talk about ways they can speak to their friends about it?

Dr Michael Kaufman: Yes, if it’s more of a workshop, I get them to practice. We think of different casual forms of sexual harassment and I’ll have people actually practise their response. Because, we’ve all been in that situation where something happens after you go, ‘Oh, I wish I had said that. I wish I had done it.’ I think campaigns like Abuse is Not Love can really begin to provide space for that type of training right now.

One of the points we make in the paper is that we know from research around the world that positive approaches are the ones that have an impact. What I say is, let’s reach out to boys, the young men, to older men with respect. To not just say why aren’t you speaking out, but instead to say if you haven’t yet had a chance to speak out against intimate partner violence or you haven’t yet spoken to a friend of yours who is doing one of these warning sign things, this is your chance. This is your chance to make a positive difference. This is positive stuff. This is forward moving stuff.

Is there anything else you think is important to say?

Dr Michael Kaufman: I just want to say that this is something that we are making a difference. Violence against women, intimate partner violence, is not something we’re stuck with for eternity. Women have been heroic in stepping forward. Organisations like YSL Beauty are making a difference, and I think what we need now is to also fill in the missing piece and say that boys and men have a key role. We can bring these forms of violence to an end by working together, and we can make a big difference in our lifetime. And it’s something that is happening.