My wife surprised me with every man’s wildest fantasy… but I couldn’t bear to follow through. Now I can’t even stomach kissing her: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My wife thought she was fulfilling my wildest fantasies with a surprise one night – but, truthfully, her ‘gift’ was the last thing I wanted.

I’ve had quite a rough few weeks with work stress and other personal things – resulting in a lack of intimacy between us. This was my wife’s bid to cheer me up. 

I opened the front door after a long day at the office to find our house lit only by candles leading to the bedroom… where I was met by a jarring scene.

I don’t know what I expected, but certainly not this: while I’ll spare the details, our room looked like it was straight out of an adult video, with my wife dressed in a ridiculous roleplay costume.

I was appalled. I had never given her a reason to think this was what I was into between the sheets.

When I asked why she had done all of this, she told me she had accidentally seen what kind of videos I watch online and thought making my ‘fantasy’ a reality would make my day.

Spoiler: it didn’t. Instead, it not only embarrassed me, it embarrassed her too. Now it’s just awkward and, despite my wife’s assurances that everything is fine, it’s clear to me that she is upset.

It’s been several weeks and we’ve barely even kissed since.

I feel terrible that I’ve made her self-conscious and don’t know how to get our relationship back on track.

Sincerely,

Bedroom Embarrassment

Dear Bedroom Embarrassment,

There is so much shame around sexuality, particularly certain proclivities or kinks.

We keep them secret because we are embarrassed and don’t want anyone to know the truth about what turns us on.

I’m wondering whether it’s time for you to do a deep dive into your own shame about what turns you on. Your very strong reaction to your wife discovering what it is – then confronting you with it in what she thought was a loving way – tells me that perhaps there is work you need to do.

Of course, sometimes fantasies should be left as fantasies because, in reality, they are often not as appealing as they were in our imaginations.

But your wife was doing something loving for you, even though it missed the mark, and it’s wonderful that she embraced a part of you you had kept secret.

Usually, when I receive letters from people who have discovered their partner’s secret kink, they are horrified. Many women are equally horrified at discovering their partners watch porn, so I want you to take a moment to appreciate how accepting your wife has been.

Honesty is the way back to comfort and safety, and it’s time for a conversation about what you’re into and whether you want to bring it into the bedroom. 

Tell her how much you appreciate what she did and her lack of judgment towards you before explaining how it made you feel. It sounds like you have the kind of supportive wife who will hear you and work with you to find a place where you are both equally comfortable.

Dear Jane,

I recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy and I’ve been in postpartum bliss.

There’s just one thing ruining it: my husband.

Leading up to our son’s arrival, my husband was every bit the doting dad-to-be. He helped paint the nursery, assemble the crib, baby-proof cabinets and pick out onesies. 

But, ever since we brought our newborn back home, he’s done nothing but sit on the couch.

He can’t be bothered to change a diaper, get up in the night when the baby is crying, or support me emotionally in any way. Getting him to help clean the dishes or get us takeout is like pulling teeth and he complains when I ask him to help out saying he’s ‘tired.’

I’m concerned and disappointed – this isn’t the man who was eagerly preparing for the arrival of our child. I don’t know what has suddenly changed within him. 

When I’ve tried to address it, he tells me I’m being overdramatic, that there’s nothing wrong and that he’s done plenty to help me.

I feel that I’m at a bit of a dead end here and don’t know how to proceed. I’m starting to think I’ve made a mistake in choosing this man to start a family with. What will make him realize his inaction is unacceptable?

Sincerely,

Postpartum Predicament

Dear Postpartum Predicament,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. I am sorry that your husband is being so unhelpful.

But worse than his withdrawal is his comment to you about being over-dramatic. 

These are the kinds of comments – you’re over-reacting, you’re too sensitive, you’re over-dramatic – that serve to undermine and diminish. Though it may seem like a small thing, it is part of a bigger picture of emotional abuse.

Women often learn to put up with it, but over time it chips away at our confidence, and is a subtle way of allowing them to control you.

It goes hand-in-hand with his behavior: his refusal to help out, ignoring the impact of new motherhood and how exhausting and utterly discombobulating it is to bring a new baby into the world.

I completely understand why you feel like you have reached a dead end. 

I know so many women, myself included, who have tried to explain to our partners how we feel, why we are upset and how their behavior impacts us, but are left feeling unheard and unseen.

The only thing that I believe can save the two of you – if indeed this is a relationship worth saving – is the intervention of a couples therapist. 

You have a newborn, your hormones and emotions are all over the place, but his behavior is a very real red flag. You need an experienced professional to help your husband understand what you are going through, how his comments undermine you, and how he can best support you.

If he is not willing to change, then, as hard as this may be to hear, a man who undermines you, dismisses your feelings and accuses you of being over-dramatic, will shrink you until you disappear.

You deserve more. We all do.