How to avoid pointless, circular arguments with your partner, according to a relationship therapist

How often do you feel like an argument with your partner comes to a neat ending, with everyone happy and the issue resolved forever? On the other hand, how often do you end up squabbling about the same thing over and over again, with the argument rumbling on and never truly getting resolved?

New film The Roses, starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman as a middle-aged couple whose marriage has hit the skids, nails the latter predicament perfectly. At one point, when Ivy returns from a work trip, she’s exhausted and Theo is cross, so it appears sex is off the table for the night. Theo proposes a substitute: ‘How about a three-hour circular argument that goes nowhere?’ It’s a line that’s had audiences laughing with wry recognition – oh how familiar that particular situation is.

However, these ongoing, nitpicky arguments aren’t inevitable. According to relationship therapist Julie Mennano, all you need to do is switch your mindset and try a new method of communicating in order to break through to the other side of your quarrels.

Mennano says that ‘most couples I treat aren’t fighting about big topics…instead, they’re fighting about seemingly small things like what to have for dinner, or why someone didn’t put their keys in the right drawer. But big or small, most issues are stand-ins for emotional needs’. When we make complaints to our partners, on an underlying level what we’re often saying is ‘I need to feel seen and validated by you to feel safe and close,’ explains Mennano.

In other words, when we nitpick about a small thing, it’s often because there’s a wider, more uncomfortable issue that needs addressing for our overall wellbeing. ‘If you need more help with the house, you’re asking your partner to help you with the uncomfortable feeling of stress,’ says Mennano. To signal this to your partner, it’s better not to start the conversation by throwing round accusations such as ‘You never help out’. Says Mennano ‘This is guaranteed to set up the discussion for failure, by signaling threat to your partner, which will elicit their defensiveness and set in motion a negative cycle’.

What should you say instead? Focus on your own feelings, rather than throwing out allegations, suggests Mennano. ‘Lead with “I’m feeling a lot of stress lately, which is taking a toll on me. I have some ideas about how we can find more balance around the house. Are you open to that conversation right now?’”

Of course, in the heat of the moment such reasonable words are tricky. Mennano says it’s very important that during a calmer moment, partners agree a way to communicate should disagreements occur. ‘The most important thing is taking it in turns to be in a speaking/receiving role,’ says Mennano. ‘The speaking partner has space to share their concerns, feelings and needs, and the receiving partner’s role is to seek genuine understanding.’

To do this, the receiving partner should ‘reflect and clarify what the partner has said, and provide emotional validation (which is not the same as agreeing with the content).’ What you are telling your partner by listening like this is, says Mennano, ‘I am willing to put my stuff to the side temporarily and open myself up to truly hearing and understanding you, because I love you. I trust you’ll do the same for me later.’

Both partners should take it in turn to speak – and feel heard – and only then should you try to solve the problem, although Mennano points out it ‘might not even need solving at that point – it’s amazing how much flexibility can come from real connection.’

Why do people tend to argue about the same subjects on repeat? It’s because couples are ‘trying to solve emotionally-rooted problems with intellectual or logical solutions,’ says Mennano. Instead, you get stuck in negative blame cycles, where each partner is feeling protective instead of letting themselves be vulnerable.

It’s also worth thinking about what counts as ‘winning’ an argument. ‘You can win in terms of getting your way – buying the new mattress of your choice, saving money instead making a big purchase, sending your child to the school of your choice, not inviting your brother-in-law for the holidays and so on,’ says Mennano. ‘But if “win” comes at the expense of emotional closeness and safety, leaving a partner feeling uncared for, disregarded and powerless, it’s ultimately a loss for the relationship. If the relationship experiences too many unrepaired ruptures, problems are guaranteed to mount.’

As a couples’ therapist, Mennano’s hope is that partners will learn how to recognise and interrupt the negative communication cycles they get stuck in. That’s not to say you should avoid arguments altogether – ‘they provide the opportunity to grow and bond through repair,’ says Mennano – but learning to handle them with ‘less intense negative cycles and faster repair’ will ultimately make everyone feel like a winner.