I walked in on my husband indulging his twisted fetish in my bedroom closet: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been together for a few years, and I thought I knew him like the back of my hand.

But the other day I walked into our bedroom and saw something that truly shocked me.

I came home early from work hoping to surprise him so we could spend time together and started looking for him around the house.

Eventually, I found him in our walk-in closet… wearing my clothes and lipstick.

I pretended not to see and went back downstairs, but I was heartbroken.

I am equally upset that he felt like he couldn’t share this secret with me and, while I don’t love him any less, I am questioning everything I know about him. 

If he could keep this from me, who knows what else he is hiding.

Now, I’m conflicted. Do I tell him what I saw, or let him indulge his secret in private?

Sincerely,

Shocked spouse

Dear Shocked spouse,

It is surprising when we find out that those we love, who we think we know everything about, have secrets.

But the reason we keep secrets is because of shame, which makes us terrified of others discovering the things we are most embarrassed of.

You are right to feel upset that he did not share this with you, but I give you credit for acknowledging that it does not make you love him any less.

Remember: this is not about you in the slightest, but all about his shame. 

Try to see things from his perspective. If this is a regular proclivity of his, but he hasn’t shared it, it’s likely because he is terrified you will see him differently or will judge him for it. 

I imagine his greatest fear is that you would leave him.

The fact that it hasn’t impacted your love for him is testament to a strong relationship, and a deep, grounding love.

It is possible that this is the only thing that brings him shame, hence the secrecy, but you won’t know until and unless you talk to him about it, which I strongly suggest you do.

Hiding the fact that you know this will only push you further apart. 

However, telling him you saw him dressed in your clothes and makeup – and that you don’t love him any less – will free him. It might also give him the space, and grace, to reveal anything else he might be hiding, though I suspect there is nothing else. 

You accepting him with proclivities that he felt he needed to hide will undoubtedly bring you closer together.

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and had always seen eye to eye – in fact, our ability to work as a team was the best part of our relationship.

We agreed pretty much on everything – from how we raise our children to the restaurants we go to on date nights. As a result, we rarely ever fought.

But in the past few years, something has changed.

We are no longer on the same page about what matters to me most: our values.

We used to have the same morals and political ideologies, but his views have radically shifted to become more extreme, to the point where I no longer recognize the man I fell in love with.

We no longer agree on most topics, and most discussions turn into an argument.

I feel like I cannot continue to be married to someone who doesn’t share most of my beliefs.

Is there a way to keep the marriage together despite these new differences, or is this the end of our relationship?

Sincerely,

Worried wife

Dear Worried wife,

My heart hurts for you. We live in such divisive times, and it has become difficult to spend time with friends who have opposing political views. 

We seem to have lost the art of listening and understanding, and instead are determined to change people’s minds.

It poses a larger question: is it possible to love someone who has different political views? 

The solution might be to avoid political discussions, or, instead of trying to bend someone’s views to our own, listen to why they feel the way they do.

I am not a political person, but I have a dear friend who has very different political views. 

I invited her to lunch, where I asked her why she felt the way she did. 

I could have refuted every point she made, but I kept quiet, asked questions and listened. By the end of our lunch, I didn’t agree with her, but I understood her point of view.

When we said goodbye, she burst into tears. She said that she was the only person in her friend group who voted the way she did, and had lost all of her friends as a result. 

In fact, she said I was the only person who showed genuine curiosity without judgment.

And that is what I would suggest you do. 

However, there is a caveat. 

Your values are not aligned, and that is a bigger problem. Differing political ideologies are surmountable, but I’m not sure values are.

Our partners often don’t realize quite how bad things are in a relationship. Rather than blindsiding your husband, tell him how you feel, calmly and lovingly. 

You owe it to him to be honest about your fears about the two of you growing too far apart in your values for you to move forward as a couple.

You might need professional intervention to see if there is a way for you and your husband to come together, or whether you make the very difficult decision to go your separate ways.