The truth about the Sussexes at that Kardashian party is out – and it’s a big, hot jelly of a mess: JAN MOIR

The international mystery that has puzzled absolutely no one has finally been solved.

You are not going to believe this. Steady the buffs. Make haste with the giant magnifying glass, Watson. For it has been revealed that it was the Duke and Duchess of Sussex who asked the Kardashians to remove photographs of them, which they had posted on the internet.

I mean, who else could it have been? Who on earth, apart from Montecito’s very own Mickey and Minnie Mouse, could have wanted these innocent pictures removed from the public gaze?

You might recall that Harry and Meghan had been snapped attending Kris Jenner’s 70th birthday party at Jeff Bezos’s Hollywood mansion last November, on the Saturday night before Remembrance Sunday in the UK.

Talk about glamour! I wish somebody would, because it was thin on the ground that night.

The martinis flowed like Botox inside the Bezos’s lavish Georgian-style home, which was decorated in red to match the evening’s James Bond-inspired theme: ‘Kris 0070’.

Mariah Carey, Martha Stewart, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, Jed Clampett, Beaker from the Muppets, Shergar, Incy Wincy Spider, the Man on the Moon, Cartman from South Park, Abbott and Costello, SpongeBob SquarePants, Elvis, Buzz Lightyear, Betty Boop, Gunther from Central Perk, Homer and Marge Simpson, Mr Bean, Adele, Megz and H – yes, the B-list and beyond were out in force to help the frozen-faced matriarch of the Kardashians celebrate in style.

Kris and her famous daughter Kim later posted a carousel of pics from the black-tie event online, only to mysteriously delete each and every one of Harry and Meghan shortly afterwards.

What had happened? Who boobed? And who demanded that the photographs be removed, pronto? Chin strokers and royal watchers have long suspected the dead hand of the Sussexes, belatedly realising how bad the images would make them look.

The contrast between sweaty-faced Harry and Meghan boogieing with the Kardashians at the same moment as the sombre Royal Family were laying wreaths at the Cenotaph back in London could not have been more piercing – or damaging.

At the time, People magazine – a favoured outlet of the Sussexes – reported that the couple had not agreed to have photographs of them taken inside the party and had ticked the ‘no’ box on a photo consent form, leading to the images posted on Instagram being removed.

However, sources close to the event refuted that claim, saying there had never been any such demands made on guests.

Now, two months later, Kim Kardashian has addressed the issue. Chatting on a family podcast and calling the event ‘Photogate’, she pinned the blame on the image-conscious Sussexes panicking and changing their tune.

She said: ‘It was totally cool to post. And then after it was posted, I think they realised it was Remembrance Day and they didn’t want to be seen at a party, even though it’s already up. And then I think they realised, like, ‘Oh this was so silly.’ ‘

Harry and Meghan had also been seen at a charity gala that day, but media-savvy Kim explained that ‘was fine’, but that the couple may not have been quite so comfortable with images of them ‘partying on the dance floor’ remaining online. ‘So we took them down to respect Remembrance Day.’

These people. They are not serious people. They are walking calamities, accidents waiting to happen.

If Harry and Meghan didn’t want to be seen partying on the night before Remembrance Sunday, then the solution to their dilemma was simple: don’t go partying the night before Remembrance Sunday.

Instead, they wanted the best of all worlds and in the process made a hash of everything; going to the party, trying to have the evidence destroyed and then being caught in the act of doing so.

The optics of that night cannot be erased by simply forcing your hosts to delete some photographs, just so that you will look better in the UK. It is pathetic really.

I’d have more respect for Prince Harry and his wife if they had just owned it; set the party down as a marker for their new life in America, this is where we are now, this is what we do.

After all, no one doubts Prince Harry’s sincerity and respect when it comes to the sacrifices made by the British Armed Forces. It would have been fine.

Instead, we get this big, hot jelly of a mess that makes them look both sly and hopeless, crafty but clumsy, the boogie-woogie bungling boys from company B-list.

It is at moments like this that one almost has sympathy for Meghan and Harry. Try as they might, they can’t do right for doing wrong.

And it was only a party, after all. Can’t they attend a glitzy bash – just one! – without creating an international incident?

Listen, can’t a pair of self-styled transnational humanitarians, a couple of would-be heroes who selflessly focus on mental health, digital wellness and humanitarian aid every day, as they embark on the global philanthropic endeavours which they have created for meaningful reach and maximum impact, can’t they let their hair down once in a while?

Can’t a duke and a duchess have a boogie without being accused of neglect of duty?

It seems not. Yet it is all rather awkward to behold, even to stomach. Do as we say not as we do. Image is all.

And look how pious we are! At the heart of it all is the Duke and Duchess’s mutual, foaming desire to matter, to be seen as important, to be taken seriously.

Yet if they were serious people, they would have been right behind William and Kate, laying wreaths at the Cenotaph and doing their duty.

Instead, they were partying with the Kardashians and no number of deleted photographs can wash that stain away.

No wonder the Sussexes have burned through 11 PRs in a few years. Is there a publicist on Earth who could make this couple of dopes look good?

Oh, to be Chanel’s golden girl Tilda!

Wouldn’t you just love to be a Chanel global ambassador? Oh yes, please.

For a start, lots of free frocks and handbags, courtesy of one of the greatest fashion houses in the world.

No wonder current ambassadors Dua Lipa, A$AP Rocky, Margaret Qualley and Tilda Swinton were singing as they sat on the front row of Chanel’s couture show in Paris this week.

Dressed top to toe in Chanel outfits they all looked wonderful, especially Tilda. In her golden tweed suit and hurricane hair she looked like the headmistress of the St Trinian’s Skool for Chic. Top marks, girls.

Corrie’s schoolgirl shame

The actress Helen Flanagan has criticised Coronation Street for making her character Rosie parade around in her knickers. Does she have a point?

Yes, because Flanagan was only 16 when she was forced into saucy schoolgirl storylines which found her seducing a schoolteacher, then a factory boss.

She was sexualised to a degree that’s unthinkable today, always portrayed as the scheming plaything of much older men. Even when Vic Reeves appeared in the show as a shop manager called Colin, he’d perve over Rosie when she bent down in a low top to pick up a magazine in The Kabin. Just appalling.

Alison King, who plays Carla Connor in the soap, was one of the few to speak up for Flanagan at the time, calling the inappropriate sexy scenes ‘disgusting’.

Good for her. At least someone on the cobbles showed some sense.

King Charles has said: ‘I must help the planet before I die.’ Never mind the planet old boy, what about Cornwall?

It would have been nice if HM had done something to help his old Duchy of Cornwall, which was damaged so badly during Storm Goretti.

Neither Charles nor Prince William, the current Duke of Cornwall, has made any public statement or show of support for the battered county, despite both men having strong links to the area.

The unsupportive silence from both the monarch and the heir to the throne is both curious and a growing disgrace.

Sorry, Carol, no one gets a job for life

Is BBC weather forecaster Carol Kirkwood being driven out by ageism and replaced by a younger presenter? Or has she just reached her sell-by?

Carol has been at the BBC for more than 25 years, a comforting presence on both sunny and stormy days. There has been speculation about the 63-year-old’s tearful departure, yet no one gets a job for life.

Eventually, we all get pushed out the back door, forced along the cutbacks gangplank to take a short walk across the field of broken dreams and thence to the usine de colle. It is sad that Carol is going of course, but she is carrying on as if she were Eleanor of Aquitaine leaving for the Holy Lands. Get a grip! You’re a weather forecaster, not a national treasure.

Meanwhile, fellow BBC weatherperson Lizzie Rizzini, 49, created an internet storm by accidentally showing her stockings on the Six O’ Clock News this week. Dads across the land cheered, mums had another response. ‘Cycling shorts or thermals, not stockings,’ snorted one online commenter.

Sydney’s bras might lack support… 

Actress Sydney Sweeney promotes her new lingerie brand Syrn (pronounced ‘siren’) by draping lots of her bras on the iconic Hollywood sign.

Was this wise? It must have irritated many Americans, who don’t like to see their cultural and historical landmarks so cheaply despoiled.

But double-D cup Sydney has form in the cheap department, having once sold bars of soap made with her own bathwater to fans. Now she’s big into bras, with a brand that boasts an extended range of 44 sizes, basically from billiard ball to hot air balloon.

Will it work? Hmmm. Sydney has already alienated half of her potential US female customer base by registering as a Republican.

Her reputation was further damaged last year when – oh no – Donald Trump publicly praised her. ‘[She] has the HOTTEST ad out there. Go get ’em, Sydney,’ he posted online, in a moment of downtime between plotting invasions and coups.

Could things get any worse? Yes, Jeff Bezos is one of her investors.

And now Sydney might be facing criminal trespass charges for the Hollywood sign stunt, the only uplifting thing in this tale.