How to have the best sex of your life even after years together, by world-famous intimacy psychologist PROF NICOLE McNICHOLS… who knows exactly what works (and what doesnt!)

It’s ironic to think that when I was asked to take over teaching Psych 210 – a course on human sexuality at the University of Washington which has since become the largest of its kind in the country – my own sex life was in shambles.

While my doctoral training had included research on sexual wellness and wellbeing, it hadn’t been a central focus of my work. And at the time, I was six months pregnant, with two small ­children at home, exhausted from balancing full-time work as a psychology ­professor with the demands of motherhood. Having sex with my husband, I’m embarrassed to admit, had begun to feel like ticking off yet another responsibility.

So setting out to teach a course on sex was, to put it mildly, a ­challenge. But over the past 12 years of teaching the subject – and expanding my research – I’ve learned an enormous amount. I’d go so far as to say it changed not just my marriage, but my life.

For a start, I used to think of sex as simply something fun to enjoy occasionally. A treat that someone has when they get lucky. The truth is, it’s also profoundly good for us. Research shows that ­sex can relieve pain, strengthen the immune system and is linked to fewer illnesses, lower risk of cognitive decline, and greater protection against heart disease.

Orgasms may even help you live longer. A famous 1997 study found that, over a ten-year period, men with low orgasm frequency were twice as likely to die from any cause as those who orgasmed more often.

And despite the ­common belief that sex matters less as relationships mature, research suggests the opposite. Canadian sex researchers who tracked 4,000 heterosexual newlyweds over four years found that when sexual satisfaction increased, it led to improvements in overall ­relationship satisfaction – and, over time, to more frequent sex.

This makes sense. We’re drawn to what we enjoy. When sex is ­pleasurable, couples naturally want more of it. The added benefit is a stronger relationship (not, as is often assumed, the other way round).

In short, the research is clear: pleasure is priceless – for our health and our relationships. Yet shame around talking about sex often holds us back from having more, and ­better, sexual experiences.

So here’s the truth, backed by decades of data: satisfying sex doesn’t require Olympian-level flexibility, endless novelty or daily frequency. It isn’t reserved for new relationships, either.

If I managed it as an exhausted, working mother of three, so can you.

So, where do you begin?

Aim for once a week

One of the most common ­misconceptions I hear is that to have a good sex life, you must be doing it all the time.

It’s easy to see why people fixate on this. Research ­suggests we’re having less sex than ever before. In the 2010s, ­couples on average had sex around nine fewer times per year than they did in the late 1990s. A full third of single people – and around one in ten in relationships – reported having no sex at all in the ­previous year.

It matters as regular sex is linked to better mood, lower stress levels and greater overall relationship satisfaction.

Importantly, sexual dissatisfaction also shows up in research on relationship breakdown. A 2024 meta-analysis in the International Journal of Impotence Research found that a high proportion of ­people who’d separated or divorced reported ongoing sexual problems – roughly 43 to 52 per cent across the studies analysed – a far higher prevalence than in the general population.

That doesn’t mean a lack of sex automatically ends relationships. Rather, sexual dissatisfaction and infrequency often act as a bellwether for wider problems. When sex drops off, it often coincides with ­emotional disengagement, unresolved conflict, reduced intimacy and poor ­communication – the combination of ­factors most strongly associated with relationship breakdown.

So, how much sex should we be aiming for? Many are surprised to learn that the sweet spot appears to be just once a week.

Large studies have found ­couples who have sex about once weekly report higher relationship satisfaction and greater well-being than those who have sex less often. ­

Crucially, having sex more than once a week doesn’t seem to deliver any additional emotional or ­relational benefits.

Of course, these are averages and won’t apply neatly to everyone.

But the takeaway is reassuring: you don’t need to be going at it like rabbits to have a fulfilling relationship.

Schedule sex

The best way to meet that weekly quota? Simple: put it in the diary. Scheduling isn’t sexy. But if we routinely block out time for everything from coffees with friends to dental check-ups, it seems odd not to prioritise sex in the same way.

This is advice I often give to couples who are struggling to fit sex into busy routines.

I’m not talking about joyless ‘appointments’, or something that creates resentment if one partner asks for a rain check.

It simply means committing to a time when you prioritise being together and focus on pleasure.

Research back this up. A position statement from the European ­Society for Sexual Medicine on sexual desire discrepancy (where partners want sex at ­different frequencies) argues that waiting for spontaneous desire is unrealistic in long-term relationships. Instead, experts emphasise the importance of jointly deciding how and when intimacy happens – which can include planned sex.

If you look at long-term couples who report high levels of passion, one thing tends to stand out: effort. They don’t rely on magic moments – they create the conditions. That might mean sharing a bath or shower, giving each other a ­massage, or ­simply slowing things down. The aim is to create a relaxed space, ­especially after hectic days. There is, of course, a caveat. Scheduling sex doesn’t mean ­forcing it. If one or both of you genuinely aren’t ­feeling it, try again the next night.

Approaching sex this way also dispenses with a stubborn myth: that you should only have sex if you’re completely in the mood. That’s simply not how arousal or desire works for most people. ­Particularly as we get older, or stay in relationships longer, it often takes a little warming up.

And if you wait for your ­spontaneous desire to perfectly align with your partner’s, you may be waiting a very long time indeed.

Make an intimacy date

One of the biggest challenges in long-term relationships is the slow drift away from one another. In more extreme cases, this can lead to prolonged dry spells – sometimes lasting weeks, months or even years.

Often the first thing to disappear isn’t sex itself, but non-sexual ­physical touch: holding hands, a hug or kiss when you get home, or a casual touch on your partner’s shoulder as you pass by.

These small ­gestures might seem ­insignificant, but research consistently shows they play a powerful role in ­maintaining connection. Regular affectionate touch – even if not explicitly sexual – has been linked to stronger bonds, greater relationship satisfaction and increased feelings of desire.

Another issue is that many ­partnerships gradually slip into ‘teamwork mode’, whether it’s organising the lives of small ­children, ferrying the cat to the vet or keeping on top of the bills.

While people get very good at communicating about logistics, they often stop carving out space for each other. That doesn’t mean talking about sex, but staying ­curious about what’s going on in the other person’s world.

Decades of research shows that when people feel seen and understood by their partner, they’re more secure in their relationship – and those relationships tend to last longer. This emotional connection is the foundation of passion.

I call this time spent reconnecting before you’re even in the mood an ‘intimacy date’. It can be just as important as sex itself. Sit together without distractions. Talk, touch and rebuild that closeness.

Address resentments

Some problems in the ­bedroom stem from simmering tensions ­outside it. One that crops up ­frequently is inequality in household labour. Put simply, research ­suggests men who do more ­housework have more sex.

The biggest barrier to a ­satisfying sex life is often exhaustion. When one partner feels weighed down by chores, childcare and full-time work, sex can quickly slip down the priority list.

Even now, research shows women still shoulder more of the ­domestic load – even when they earn more than their partner. That imbalance can breed resentment, eroding intimacy.

Addressing it can make a big difference. A 2016 study by ­Cornell University found that ­couples who shared household work more evenly had sex more often than those where the woman did most of the chores.

And a 2022 Canadian study found women in such relationships were more ­satisfied and, in turn, had more sex.

So, yes, reaching for the vacuum cleaner may do more for your sex life than you think.

Try a micro-novelty

Novelty helps guard against sexual boredom, but that doesn’t mean swinging from the ­chandeliers. Small changes – what I call micro-novelties – can be just as effective. A variation on a ­familiar position. A different room. A ­different time of day.

And it doesn’t need to happen every time. In fact, studies ­suggest the sweet spot for introducing ­novelty is about once a month.

Not everything is about sex, either. Giving and receiving massages or showering together are also associated with greater sexual satisfaction. The thing to remember is that novelty is relative – small shifts can go a long way.

What about bigger changes: role play, toys or kink? For some, they’re a great fit. But for many, one of the best things you can do for your sex life is to return to basics. A 2016 survey of more than 38,000 couples found that the most sexually satisfied often described their sex as traditionally romantic: saying ‘I love you’ during sex or spending more time kissing, for example.

Women, in particular, are more likely to orgasm when kissing is part of sex – possibly as it increases emotional intimacy. Oral sex also remains a ­part of many sexually ­satisfied couples’ repertoires.

Before chasing novelty, it’s often worth rediscovering what may have been lost first.

You Could Be Having Better Sex: The Definitive Guide to a Happier, Healthier and Hotter Sex Life is available at Waterstones.com, £20.