I’m appalled by my son’s behaviour towards his wife. I thought he was having an affair, but this deception is so much worse. Should I keep his secret? BEL MOONEY answers a moral dilemma that would floor any loving mother

Dear Bel,

I have a question that is not unusual. Do I tell – or not? My eldest son has been married for 23 years, with two adult daughters. He has an engineering job that takes him all over the country, as well as to numerous work-related social events.

A few months ago he suddenly left home. His explanation was that the affection he has seen and received on these travels and at these events makes him wonder why there is no affection at home – and why there hasn’t been for many years.

I know that he has been depressed and is seeing a counsellor.

He and his wife earn about the same amount, but he isn’t good with money and will buy gadgets at will.

For good or bad, his wife has taken over the financial running of the household and, although he contributes, the amount and frequency is when he is asked.

His wife has had a couple of ­inheritances which she has ploughed into the house – new bathroom, kitchen, utility room and roofing, as well as other significant things.

As his leaving was very sudden I ­wondered whether he was having an affair but he assured me that was not the case, although he says that a colleague on the South Coast has been listening and helping him through his depression. That colleague has now said that she loves him and wants to be with him. In the meantime he has rented a flat near his home to ‘try to sort out what he wants’.

He is now talking of divorce and says that he has been told he will get half of their joint wealth. His own wealth is hardly anything now.

I fluctuate between trying to ­support him emotionally and also his wife and my granddaughters.

I am friends with her and find it ­difficult to see her struggle with what she calls abandonment.

She has no idea of this so-called friend and so is not operating on a level playing field when she frequently asks him to come home where he is loved and wanted.

He believes nothing will change in the affection stakes – and probably it won’t as she is quite reserved in ­comparison. But I don’t like keeping this from her and my granddaughters.

She has said that she can’t afford a divorce and I sympathise with her.

What to do?

Lisa

Caught in the middle, you are juggling impossible ­loyalties, and I have great sympathy for your dilemma.

More than once I’ve found myself forced to keep a secret – in other words, to lie by omission – and it made me feel slightly queasy.

When a friend or family member says, ‘Please don’t tell’, but you know that obeying this instruction makes you complicit, it is very hard indeed to deal with that moral dilemma.

I am assuming that your son told you about the other woman, but asked you to say nothing.

As far as his wife knows he is just depressed and feeling unloved, so is trying to sort himself out in a rented flat.

A lot of women might tell you your first duty is to your son, for better, for worse. You see his faults, while also understanding a little of his problem at home, arising from your daughter-in-law’s reticent nature.

It is clear that she isn’t the type of woman to smother him with wifely affection, while he, at this stage in his life, is yearning for it.

Possibly he also feels emasculated because she has superior financial and organisational abilities.

Have you, as his mother, tried to tell him clearly that the situation ­cannot continue? Perhaps you fear his annoyance – him retorting that it’s none of your business, and withdrawing from you as a sort of punishment. When, of course, it is very much your business.

Why should you be made to feel guilty by listening to your ­daughter-in-law’s woes when you know quite well what’s going on?

Your son has been entirely ­dishonest, keeping the new love secret while trying to make his wife feel it’s all her fault for not giving him enough ‘affection’. No wonder he feels ‘depressed’. He must know it’s time to come clean and talk the whole thing through with her at last.

It could be that their marriage isn’t over yet, in which case you could suggest they at least try some couples counselling with Relate. That would show their daughters a willingness to try.

But what if the marriage has run its course, as some marriages do?

Since your son has a lady who wants to be with him, his depression may be rooted in the fact that he wants to break free but doesn’t have the courage. So he’s shilly-shallying in the middle, making two women unhappy – and leaving his mother feeling bad about the whole thing.

I think you should level with him – in four stages.

First, suggest couples counselling. Then (if he refuses) you say it’s time to decide and put both women out of their misery.

Of course, one of them will be hurt, because that’s how these things work out.

Then, if he says he just can’t do that, you need to be clear you will no longer lie to his wife and to your granddaughters. You won’t accept that burden any more – potentially jeopardising your future relationship with them.

If he says no, then the final stage would be telling his wife everything. You won’t like it and nor will she.

She might be hurt and cross you didn’t do it sooner. But realistically all you can do is offer her all the support you can as she negotiates the difficult future. Starting with a damn good solicitor.

I’m so lonely but have lost faith in men

Dear Bel,

I am sure I am not the only one who regularly asks, ‘What is the point of my life?’ I have been on my own for nearly nine years after a ­traumatic (for me, ­anyway) divorce.

Beyond middle age, I have suffered some serious health issues over the past three years and my friends have been very ­supportive but they have husbands and cannot be expected to be on call 24/7.

My wonderful brother has also been there for me, but he lives more than two hours away.

Sadly, my two children don’t seem to care. Even when I have asked for help they are too busy. My health now is much improved and so I would like to start having a life again but don’t know where to start.

I don’t think I am a bad person and will help anyone. I am alone and sometimes feel very lonely. I miss the company of a partner but I’m afraid my lack of trust in men is a big barrier.

Where I live there are no singles clubs and I am becoming less inclined to go out in the evenings. I have tried online dating but that does not seem to work for me.

Sorry I sound like a real whinge bag. I’d love some advice.

Gwen

You are absolutely entitled to ‘whinge’ if you feel like it! It can be just as cathartic to complain to the mirror that you feel fed up as it is to write it all down, as you have done.

Being brave and uncomplaining is all very well, and even advisable since it can make you determined to make things better. But at the same time, having a good old vent of feelings as you pummel a cushion can do a world of good.

You had a bad divorce which must have damaged your confidence as well as calling into question your whole life up to that point. Divorce can do that.

Of course, it allows some people to feel free, but others feel imprisoned in their memories, their bitterness, their neediness, their pain. The life-changing experience can leave you with psychic wounds destined to emerge in the form of physical illness. This is what the great psychiatrist and expert on trauma, Bessel van der Kolk, indicates in the title of his world-famous book, The Body Keeps The Score.

The good news is you have friends. The bad news is you feel ­abandoned by your children. I wonder what effect the ‘traumatic divorce’ had on them and whether perhaps a sense of split ­loyalty caused them to step back.

You don’t tell me where they live or why they are so busy or whether you were once close; all I can do is hope you stay in touch and they reciprocate, even if not in quite the way you want.

Now you are feeling healthier you want to restart your life but at the core of your letter is the longing for a new relationship with a man.

You’ve tried online dating and regret the fact that there are no singles clubs in your neighbourhood, and anyway, you admit to not trusting the male sex – which is surely the biggest obstacle.

What would happen if you set aside all notions that the way to alleviate your ­loneliness and ‘have life again’ would be by having a male partner?

I suggest it might force you to do what friends of mine have done over the years: get out there and DO things.

They tried book clubs, lectures organised by organisations such as U3A, started to attend church, enrolled on courses for everything from painting on textiles to DIY and Pilates, and volunteered for charities, ­gardening, dog walking… you name it.

Some efforts came to nothing, others brought new friendships and fun. It’s the only way, you know. I can almost hear you sigh and say, ‘People like her always say all that’ but we do so because it’s good advice – and can even change lives.

Always look on the bright side of life

When the world is full of gloom, anger and fear, I save myself by focusing on the good that’s still at the beating heart of life. Well, much of it anyway. All together now: ‘Always look on the bright side . . .’

After last week’s column on the grief of three widows I received touching letters from other women telling me their stories of loss – with deep love underlying each one. Such devotion is a powerful force for good.

Then there’s the kindness of those who worried that I sounded depressed writing about ­pornography. It’s OK, you know righteous anger can keep you going – and that’s good, too.

One wonderful handwritten letter gave me inspiration – and what’s better than that? If you feel ‘down’ for whatever reason, just listen to this terrific lady, loyal reader Mrs Iris Cowlbeck, from Essex.

After very kind words of praise for my column and her beloved Daily Mail, she writes: ‘I had a hip replacement a few months ago, after falling and breaking my femur. I shouldn’t have run down the garden with nine-year-old Archie (great-grandson). We’d been planning more woodworking in my craft shed.

‘I’m planning a trip to ­London to meet friends or see Picasso at the Tate ­Modern. I’m fortunate to have decent transport here. I’m down to walking with only one crutch so that should be OK.

‘I’ve just rung my big sister Joy for a chat. She’s 88 and I’m 86 and we both agree we feel 21 inside.

‘Keep positive, that’s what we say. I hope I don’t sound smug. Just feel lucky to have all my marbles. Thanks again and all the best…’

I’m sure this strong lady has endured bad times, but here she is, full of life and hope and plans. A grateful hug to you, fabulous Iris!