Experts name four ‘amber flags’ that could slowly erode your relationship… and make love turn toxic

We’ve spent years learning about relationship ‘red flags’ – but experts have warned that their lesser known ‘amber flag’ cousins can prove to be just as dangerous. 

Red flags are used to describe the behaviours of a friend, family member or partner that should never be ignored because they can be dangerous to your physical, mental and emotional health. 

They can include being hit, being shouted at and insulted, having your finances controlled, being isolated from loved ones, and being forced to watch your pets being hurt in front of you. 

In the most extreme cases, red flag behaviour can rapidly get out of control and leave you struggling to live your life – or wanting to live at all. 

But there are other less extreme behaviours which should be addressed as soon as they appear, according to the authors of new book Turn Yourself On: 8 Simple Principles to Find Your Power in the Bedroom and Beyond. 

Anna Hushlak and Billie Quinlan, founders of sexual wellbeing app Ferly, cite four particular ways that people interact with those close to them which could cause emotional harm, or even go on to destroy the love and trust of a committed relationship. 

These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling – four amber flags that they say are ‘common but destructive if left unchecked’. 

Most crucially, these aren’t just behaviours that you might notice and want to challenge in a partner or close friend… but also in yourself.  

In the following extract from Turn Yourself On, the authors explain how to identify this concerning behaviour, and how to handle it… 

In his book with Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, couples’ researcher and therapist Dr John Gottman dubs criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling ‘the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse’. 

That’s because, even though these behaviours are super common, if they’re not kept in check, they’re the ones most likely to wreck a relationship. 

How often they pop up (or not) in your relationship(s) plays a big role in shaping its overall stability, longevity and health.

Hands up – do any of them sound familiar? I’ll admit, Anna used to be a bit of a stonewaller, and Billie had her battles with defensiveness. 

Even now we sometimes catch ourselves slipping back into these habits, especially when we’re feeling stressed or worn-out.

What about you? Do you spot any of these behaviours in yourself or others? If you do, that’s okay. 

Remember, they’re incredibly common, and we’re all works-in-progress. 

Having these tendencies doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ person, nor does it mean your relationship is doomed. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves and go jumping to the worst-case scenario.

The truth is, a lot of us have never been taught how to express ourselves confidently and kindly, or how to communicate effectively.

Criticism 

First up is criticism. This is when we go after another person’s character and sense of self, instead of addressing a specific behaviour or issue. 

Criticism often uses absolute language (like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘every time’, etc.). 

Here’s an example: ‘You’re always late. You don’t seem to care about anyone else’s time other than your own.’ 

Since criticism is an attack, it’s no surprise that it makes people defensive and escalates conflict.

What to do about it: 

You can manage criticism by offering a constructive complaint. 

This focuses on a specific behaviour and its impact rather than attacking a person’s character. For example: ‘Yesterday when you were late, I was frustrated. I’d organized my morning to be ready and I felt like that wasn’t considered. Please give me a heads-up next time.’ 

Criticism can be a ‘power over’ tactic that hurts someone by attacking their character. 

An alternative is to provide a constructive complaint.

Defensiveness 

The second amber flag is defensiveness – when we deflect. 

Defensiveness usually kicks in as a protective response to criticism and involves making excuses and denying responsibility. 

It acts as a ‘power over’ behaviour by launching a counterattack. For example: ‘Maybe if you were more adventurous, our sex life wouldn’t be so boring.’ 

When we’re defensive, we often get caught up in thoughts of fairness and position ourselves as the ‘innocent’ party.

What to do about it: 

You can manage defensiveness by using the ‘power with’ behaviour of taking responsibility. 

For example: ‘I understand our sex might feel a bit routine lately. Let’s talk about some new things we could try together.’ 

Managing defensiveness doesn’t mean taking the blame for everything, but it does mean acknowledging your part in contributing to a situation. 

Even better is to stop criticising each other and avoid defensiveness altogether.

Contempt 

The third amber flag is contempt. 

Contempt is when we express disrespect and superiority over someone else. It shows up as disgust, disdain, condescension, disapproval and judgement. 

Of all the amber flags, this is the nastiest one, because it uses behaviours like sarcasm, mockery and humiliation to cause harm. 

Contempt often stems from poor communication, unresolved conflict and a build-up of resentment. 

Contempt looks like backhanded compliments, put-downs or cynical remarks, as well as physical behaviours like eye-rolling, sneering or dismissive gestures.

What to do about it: 

You can manage contempt with ‘power to’ behaviours like self-reflection and the ability to forgive, as well as ‘power with’ behaviours like expressing feelings, active listening and taking responsibility.

Stonewalling 

Last but not least of the amber flags is stonewalling. 

Stonewalling happens when we shut down communication, refuse to engage and withdraw from a situation. 

Examples include ignoring, avoiding, sulking, turning away, giving the silent treatment or obsessively distracting ourselves. 

Sometimes, stonewalling happens when we’re emotionally overwhelmed or flooded. 

Other times, it can be an attempt to punish someone and/or to regain the upper hand. Passive aggression is still aggression.

What to do about it:  

Managing stonewalling involves applying ‘power to’ behaviours that help you self-regulate, for example agreeing to take a pause so you can let your system reset. 

You can also manage it by using ‘power with’ behaviours like letting each other know whether you need support, solutions and/or space, and by scheduling Weekly Retrospectives.

• Turn Yourself On: Get Confident, Discover Pleasure, Find Your Power by Anna Hushlak & Billie Quinlan is available now (Penguin Life, £11.99)