Dear Vanessa,
My husband and I are in our late 50s, and for almost two decades, we sacrificed so much to send our two children to private schools. We truly believed we were doing the right thing — giving them every opportunity, the best networks, the best start in life.
We both worked long hours, lived modestly, and said no to plenty of things we wanted — holidays, dinners out, even simple home upgrades — so the kids could have what we thought would give them an edge.
At the time, it felt like what responsible parents did. Everyone around us was doing it too — friends, colleagues, neighbours — and it became part of the norm.
Now our kids are grown. One’s doing well, the other is still finding her feet. But I can’t help wondering if it was worth it. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, and now that we’re nearing retirement, we’re behind on our retirement savings.
I don’t resent my children — but I do feel frustrated. We worked so hard for so long, and now that phase of life is over, we’re the ones feeling financially stretched. I sometimes wish we’d thought more about how those choices would affect us later on.
Did we make the wrong decision?
Karen
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov
Karen, your letter will resonate with so many parents. You made your choices out of love, not ego — but that love came with a cost that’s only visible now. I’ve heard this same story from countless families: doing ‘whatever it takes’ to give their children the best education, only to realise later that the trade-off was their own financial wellbeing.
Private schooling has become a kind of modern badge of success. For many, it’s not just about education — it’s about belonging. The marketing is powerful: smaller classes, better networks, more opportunities. And when you’re surrounded by other parents doing the same thing, it’s easy to feel like you’d be letting your children down if you didn’t follow suit.
But here’s the truth: the best start in life doesn’t always come from the most expensive school. It comes from being raised in a home where money is talked about honestly, where values are shared, and where kids learn the importance of gratitude, perspective and hard work. You and your husband gave them that, as well as an excellent education — but it’s okay to admit the cost feels high now.
Still, you’re right to take stock. The good news is it’s not too late. People are living longer, healthier lives, and many have 20 or even 30 years of active life ahead after finishing full-time work. Use this time to rebuild.
Sit down with a financial adviser who can help you make a clear plan for the years ahead — what to do with your retirement savings, what to prioritise, and how to balance enjoying life now with securing your future. You can find one here.
It’s also worth having an open conversation with your children. Share what it took to fund their schooling — not to make them feel guilty, but to help them understand the real sacrifices behind big financial choices. Most adult kids don’t realise the pressure their parents were under at the time. Those conversations build empathy — and they might even change the way your kids approach their own money.
And please, stop being so hard on yourself. Parenting has no perfect playbook. You did what you believed was best — and that comes from a good place. The challenge now is to apply that same care to yourself.
You’ve spent years investing in your children’s future. Now it’s time to invest in your own.
All the best,
Vanessa
