FLOURISHING AFTER 50: My husband left me for another woman and I can’t afford the upkeep on our family home. So why can’t I bring myself to sell it?

Dear Vanessa,

After my marriage ended, I kept the family home as part of the settlement. The mortgage is almost paid off, which everyone keeps telling me is a good thing. But it doesn’t feel that simple.

The real issue isn’t the mortgage – it’s the upkeep. The house has a big yard and there’s always something that needs doing. All the jobs my husband used to take care of are now mine, and most of the time that means paying someone to do them. It feels like there’s always another bill.

My ex believes I should keep the house ‘for the kids,’ saying it gives them stability. But they’re not little anymore. They’re young adults. We have three children and only one still lives at home in their twenties. The others have moved out and are living their own lives.

Even so, I feel guilty just thinking about selling. This house holds a lot of memories, and it’s made to feel like I’d be taking something away from the kids if I let it go. I don’t want to upset them, but I’m also the one left managing everything.

I’m working full-time, but I’m on one income now and I feel stretched. I’m trying to think ahead and be realistic about my future. Staying in a house that’s too big and expensive to run worries me, especially as I get older.

I didn’t want the divorce – my husband found someone else – and I’m still trying to find my footing. Part of me thinks downsizing might make life easier, but choosing myself feels selfish, even though I know it probably shouldn’t.

How do you know when it’s okay to let go and put yourself first?

Jo

Dear Jo,

This is a hard spot to be in, and you’re not wrong for feeling torn. 

The first thing I want to say is this: stability isn’t just about a house. It’s also about knowing you can pay your bills, sleep at night, and not feel constantly stretched. Right now, it sounds like the house is giving everyone else comfort, but it’s costing you peace of mind.

It’s also worth being honest about where your kids are in life. They’re young adults now. Of the three, only one still lives at home. Their sense of stability doesn’t depend on you holding on to a large family home that no longer suits your life.

From a practical point of view, you do have options.

One option is selling and downsizing. A smaller place with less upkeep could free up money and reduce the stress that comes with running a big home on your own. That kind of simplicity can be a real form of security.

Another option is renting the house out and renting somewhere smaller yourself. This can sometimes give you breathing room – the house remains an asset, but you’re not dealing with the day-to-day maintenance or costs. In some cases, the rent from the house can help cover your own living expenses.

You could also stay where you are, but only if the numbers genuinely work. That means looking closely at ongoing costs like maintenance, insurance, rates and utilities, not just the mortgage. 

If keeping the house means constant stress or dipping into savings, that’s an important sign.

What I don’t think you should do is keep the house out of guilt. Guilt is a very expensive emotion, and it often leads people to put everyone else first at the expense of their own future.

You didn’t choose how your marriage ended, but you do get a say in what comes next.

Making a decision that protects your financial wellbeing isn’t selfish –  it’s sensible.

It could really help to talk this through with a financial adviser who can look at your full situation and help you weigh up the options calmly and clearly. Sometimes having someone independent run the numbers makes the emotional side easier to manage.

If you’d like help finding the right kind of adviser, you can start here.

Whatever you decide, remember this: providing stability for your children doesn’t mean sacrificing your own future.

Warm regards, Vanessa