Husbands: Is your wife secretly repulsed by you? Most recoiling over-40s women have one thing in common… it’s NOT always your fault – and you CAN fix it: JANA HOCKING

Fun fact: Divorce rates for over-40s have more than doubled since the ’90s.

Actually, that’s not so fun. But it’s definitely happening – and in most cases, women are the ones calling it quits.

This week, I got a big clue as to why. After speaking to countless women, the truth is clear: when a wife is genuinely turned off by her husband, it shows. Not in dramatic storm-outs, but in subtle ways – a death by a thousand tiny recoils of disgust.

So grab a pen, gents – here are some subtle signs you might be repelling your wife:

First and foremost, she stops initiating sex. Soon she’s avoiding it altogether.

Suddenly, she’s always ‘tired’, ‘bloated’, has a ‘headache’ or an ‘early morning’ – there’s always a semi-plausible excuse.

Kissing becomes a peck, hugs feel obligatory, and if you try for more, she leans away.

Next comes the irritation.

Suddenly, she’s getting irrationally irate at the way you chew. Your breathing makes her shudder. In fact, even the way you enter a room is enough to make her want to run for the nearest exit. Things she once found endearing now make her want to scream into a pillow.

Then you will notice she stops laughing at your jokes. Ouch, that has to be the toughest blow to a man’s ego.

Next, she stops touching you in passing – not even an arm squeeze as she hops into the passenger side of the car. You long for the days when you had no doubt she fancied you… now you just feel like an annoying housemate who can’t load the dishwasher properly.

And finally, the biggest giveaway of all: she just doesn’t light up around you anymore.

No ‘I want you’ energy. Just… indifference.

A reader’s letter in my ‘Ask Jana’ column gave me a clear answer to what might trigger this change in wives – one that often leaves men hurt, bewildered and pouring their hearts out on the extremely depressing r/DeadBedrooms subreddit online discussion platform.

You see, fellas: it may not be your looks, hygiene, fitness, friends or salary that’s making her go cold all of a sudden. It could be a simple biological change that has nothing to do with you – even though you’re the one suffering the most…

The reader said: ‘I’m in my 40s, recently came off the Pill after being on it forever, and I think I’m entering perimenopause. Around the same time, I’ve completely gone off my husband. Not just sexually, but everything he does suddenly irritates me.’

Then came the twist. 

‘I’ve also found myself thinking about a female friend in a way that feels… different. I catch myself noticing her, wanting to be around her more, even wondering what it would be like to kiss her.’

She told me she’d never questioned her sexuality before, and now she was left wondering if her hormones were playing tricks on her.

Having gone on my own hormonal rollercoaster after coming off the pill a decade earlier, I knew what she was talking about. 

That simple medication change can completely rewire your brain, making the person you were once most attracted to suddenly seem like Quasimodo.

After a long-term relationship came to a heart-shattering end, I realised I didn’t really need to be on hormonal contraception anymore. Plus, I suspected it was affecting my emotions, and may even have played a part in the break-up.

Each month brought wild mood swings, and I was desperate to try anything that might get them under control.

Sure enough, the moment I stopped taking the pill, things changed. My mood swings disappeared. And there was another bonus too: my libido came roaring back and I noticed I was suddenly ridiculously horny.

Crucially, I was also attracted to a very different kind of man. Farewell, nice guys; hello, bad boys.

Yes, it happens. Thank God I was single and not married to a ‘nice guy’ at the time, or it could have ended in disaster. 

This week I spoke with a divorced woman who told me that within three months of ditching the pill, she completely went off her husband – and found herself increasingly attracted to other men in a way she described as ‘feral’. 

Within 12 months, she had ended their 15-year marriage.  

Another woman told me her family would always make fun of her ‘unique’ looking husband, but she never saw it… that is, until she went off the pill and found herself ‘repulsed’ by him almost overnight. 

So, men, consider this your warning. If your wife casually announces, ‘I’ve come off the pill’, brace for impact. This is not the time to get too comfortable.

Because as wild as it sounds, there’s research suggesting the pill can mess with who you’re attracted to.

One study found that starting the pill can make women less attracted to masculine-looking men. But when they come off it, their preferences often shift back towards more dominant, testosterone-driven types.

That, frankly, explains a lot about my sudden obsession with tattooed men who looked like they could build a house with their bare hands.

And then there’s libido.

The pill is known to lower testosterone, which can dampen sex drive (why is that not written on the packet?) When you come off it, that hormone rebounds, and suddenly you’re this randy rabbit looking at various types of men in a new light.

Add perimenopause to the mix, with all its hormonal havoc, and many wives find their libido shape-shifting in a matter of weeks. Is it any wonder they’re shooting daggers at the poor husband whose every minor twitch suddenly grates on them?

So if you’re suddenly worried your marriage is wobbling after your wife comes off the pill, take a breath. 

Yes, hormones can nudge the emotional dial – but they don’t automatically doom a relationship. What they do mean is that you might need to evolve with the moment.

Step one: pay attention.

Has your effort slipped? Have date nights quietly vanished? Have you drifted into autopilot, slowly morphing from husband to housemate without even noticing?

I know it’s clichéd, but these are all issues that crop up in marriages independent of perimenopause or post-pill hormonal turbulence. But when you stack them on top of those changes, you’ve got the perfect storm for resentment – and a fast‑track to disaster and divorce.

So why not pick up a vacuum cleaner, give the house a once-over, and make a restaurant reservation? Really, the worst that can happen is you’re left with a clean pad and a nice meal.

Second, bring back a bit of mystery.

No, I don’t mean keeping secrets – I mean keeping a bit of intrigue. Flirting shouldn’t stop just because you’re not 20 any more; you should be at it well into your 80s.

And, for heaven’s sake, stop using the toilet in front of each other. That sort of excessive familiarity kills intimacy and attraction.

Third, remind your wife that you can still be exciting and interesting. That shouldn’t be hard – you clearly were once, or she wouldn’t have married you.

The best part is, you don’t need a six-pack and a motorcycle to do that (although, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t hurt). Instead, surprise her with a real conversation. Take an interest in what excites her and try to connect. If coming off the pill has her exploring new sides of herself, why not embrace that?

Next, sort yourself out.

I’m not saying overhaul your entire personality, but if you’ve settled into ‘dad bod’ mode or gone a bit beige with your hobbies and fashion, now’s the moment for a glow-up.

Women notice effort – and always will.

And finally, talk about it. Yes, I know. Never a man’s favourite thing to do.

But if her hormones are all over the place and she feels like a different person all of a sudden, chances are she’s confused too. It’s important to remember: this isn’t just happening to you – it’s happening to her.

Approach the situation with curiosity rather than defensiveness, and you might actually come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re worried your wife is losing attraction, it can feel crushing. But dwindling desire isn’t a red line plunging straight to the bottom of the chart. It’s something that can be rebuilt. Couples who’ve been together for decades don’t experience one steady, unbroken line of desire. It dips, climbs and reshapes itself over time.

Importantly, it just takes a little more effort than it did the first time around.

And if all else fails, maybe let her choose your new cologne. Anything’s worth a try.

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