I shared my marital woes with my mother. It was a terrible mistake and I deeply regret it. Now she won’t stop meddling in my marriage… what can I do? CAROLINE WEST-MEADS has the firm answer

Q My husband lost his 87-year- old mother a few months ago. We and our adult children loved her and I tried to be supportive. 

However, his behaviour changed drastically for a while. He became bad-tempered, depressed and distant – he shut me out emotionally and physically. It was horrendous and I had serious doubts about our marriage. Eventually, I persuaded him to have grief counselling, and now he is returning to his normal self and our marriage is good again. 

The problem is that, at my lowest ebb, I confided in my mother. She has never really liked him, and she told me I should divorce him. Now she won’t let it go. She insists that I am only applying a sticking plaster and must leave him. She is in her 80s, so I don’t want to argue, but I deeply regret telling her so much.

A I’m sorry that your mother is being so critical. Sadly, this seems to be her pattern. She made it clear to you – presumably many years ago – that she doesn’t like your husband. If she had genuine doubts, based on his lack of kindness or a fear he would hurt you, then it would have been fine to express this concern. But as he has clearly been a loving husband, her motives appear to be driven by snobbery or fault finding. 

You say this was a ‘drastic change’ in his behaviour, so I assume your marriage has been mostly good and strong. You don’t have to argue with your mother, but you can still be assertive. So tell her clearly but calmly that you regret confiding in her because she has seen it as an opportunity to find fault with your husband. Explain you are happy again and that you will end any future conversation on the subject.

After a whirlwind marriage, I found out my wife’s been having an affair. And this isn’t the first time… 

Q I’m 68 and heartbroken after the collapse of my whirlwind marriage last year.

 My wife, then 61, showered me with affection and declarations of love. I now realise I was being love-bombed. I ignored the red flags, including the fact that she was still living in her parents’ spare room. 

After the honeymoon, she became cold, distant and critical. She eventually admitted to struggling with anorexia for years and confessed to frequent thoughts of dying. I did my best to support her – I’m a caring person – and even sold three of my beloved classic cars to contribute to our savings. 

Then, in February, she told me, ‘I don’t love you in that way any more,’ meaning sexually. I suspected there was someone else – and I was right. It turned out she’d been having an affair for 17 years. Now his wife had died of cancer. She left me and moved in with him. 

Her brother later told me she has a pattern of falling hard, then quickly discarding her partners. I was her latest – at least 15 men in 30 years – and marrying me was the last straw for her family. Her mother said she’s ashamed of her. Yet part of me still thinks that if my wife came back admitting she was wrong, I might accept – if only to stop the pain.

A Anorexia is a complex and distressing illness for all concerned. While I can explain only a little in limited space, at its heart is often low self-esteem, sadly sometimes even self-loathing. 

For some sufferers, this can make them exceptionally kind, putting everyone else’s needs first, to their own detriment, thinking that their feelings don’t matter. Other sufferers, however, become so consumed by their own distress that it eclipses everyone else’s needs. In both cases, it makes relationships very difficult. 

Your wife clearly falls into the second category, but her behaviour can’t be attributed solely to her illness. She sounds selfish (as her family recognise) and has treated you – and many other men – with profound disregard and emotional cruelty. Sometimes intense passion closely followed by losing interest can be a way of avoiding deeper feelings. She might subconsciously see long-term stability as a threat because it means she has to allow herself to be vulnerable – and so someone she has become close to may then leave her. 

Understanding her emotional damage might help you see how you were drawn in – wanting to help and offering support she was never ready to receive. 

You know in your heart of hearts that it would be a huge mistake to take her back (not that I think she will give you the chance). You deserve better from a relationship so please seek counselling to help you move forward. Try relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk.