Is this why your sex life declines after having kids? Wife of comedian Rob Beckett explains the feeling of being ‘touched out’ and why more men need to ‘suck it up’
Lou Beckett, wife of comedian Rob, has revealed why exhausted mothers are often too ‘touched out’ to want sex with their partners, telling men they need to stop expecting intimacy.
Lou, who has two daughters aged 8 and 10, made the candid admission on the Daily Mail’s Life of Bryony podcast while discussing her new book Lessons From A Default Parent, which explores the challenges of managing family life while her comedian husband is away working for up to 190 nights a year.
The book explores the concept of being ‘touched out’ – when mothers are so overstimulated by physical contact from their children that they cannot face intimacy with their partners.
Speaking to columnist Bryony Gordon, the author offered advice on how to navigate this difficult phase of parenthood without creating resentment on either side.
Lou Beckett, wife of comedian Rob, has revealed why exhausted mothers are often too ‘touched out’ to want sex with their partners, telling men they need to stop expecting intimacy
Lo was discussing her book Lessons From A Default Parent, which explores the challenges of family life while her comedian husband is away working for up to 190 nights a year
‘I get to a point in the day where I don’t want anything else touching me’, Lou explained.
‘It sounds mean, but I just get overstimulated and touched out. I don’t have anything else to give.
‘For anybody in the throes of it, it does get better. The feeling changes when the kids are older and less on top of you. Babies and toddlers are so physical – you need resetting time.
‘You do a lot of emotional labour in a day, managing children’s feelings, emotions and needs. If, for a little while, you don’t have capacity to manage your partner’s emotional and physical needs – they’re a grown up, they need to suck it up.
‘Don’t expect your partner to pander to you. Sometimes, you don’t have anything else to give and that is ok. It doesn’t last forever. Communicate through it.
‘You do not owe anyone anything – if you’re touched out, you’re touched out.’
In her book, Lou uses the term ‘default parent’ to describe the person who handles the majority of childcare and invisible labour from remembering PE kits to managing school admin.
She explained that while the situation often arises naturally due to work demands, it creates an imbalance that needs addressing.
Lou said: ‘The book contains a lot of my own experiences, but I also found some stats to back up what I was saying.
Speaking to columnist Bryony Gordon, the author offered advice on how to navigate this difficult phase of parenthood without creating resentment on either side
Lessons From A Default Parent by Lou Beckett is available now
‘For example, if you feel like you’re getting less sleep than your husband – you probably are. The Harvard Sleep Institute released figures proving there is a sleep gap between mums and dads.
‘There’s also a leisure gap. When mums are having leisure time, they’re worrying about the kids. They’re still doing that internal mental labour. So, your free time isn’t even as leisurely as your partners.
‘The gap is about half an hour a day, which doesn’t sound very much but it really adds up over the course of a year.
‘I found I was able to communicate much better with Rob after writing the book. I think he understood a lot of what I was saying.’
Rob co-hosts the hugely successful Parenting Hell podcast with fellow comedian Josh Widdicombe, where Lou is frequently discussed as the ‘mostly silent partner’.
He has previously said he is stepping back from touring to support Lou’s book launch and give her time to pursue her writing career.
Lessons From A Default Parent by Lou Beckett is available now.
Listen to the full interview by searching for The Life of Bryony now, wherever you get your podcasts.
