I’ve pushed my husband away, ruined every friendship I’ve ever had and made a mess of my life. I am completely stuck… is this all there is? DEAR CAROLINE responds to one of the most tragic letters she’s received

Q I have devoted myself almost entirely to mothering my daughter, who is 13, and she is phenomenal. Now even my social life revolves around her, and I don’t regret it. But I worry that she won’t flourish further because she is afraid that I will be lonely if she does things without me. 

My marriage broke down seven years ago because I pushed my husband away. At the time I was very ill with lupus, endometriosis and mental-health struggles, and only much later did I see the damage clearly. I’ve ruined every friendship I’ve ever had because of my own demons. I have only the dog. Recently I’ve tried to grieve my marriage but I am still consumed with thoughts of him, of us, and of the mess I made. I have attempted online dating but I don’t want anyone else. I feel stuck. 

I have tried to get therapy but I don’t seem to fit anywhere: not ill enough for one service, too complex for another. So I am just existing – lonely, regretful and frightened that this is all there is.

A You have been through so much. When someone spends a long time surviving – emotionally, physically and practically – it is common for relationships to fall away and for insight to arrive late. 

What you describe – the sense of being trapped and the relentless pull of the past – is very often how depression speaks. It flattens possibility and fixes our gaze backwards. Your grief for your marriage is real. Often what we are mourning is not only the person we lost but the self we were before everything became so hard. Be careful, though, not to imagine that that relationship is the only route out of pain. 

Your daughter sounds wonderful, but at 13 she does need to start developing independence. Encouraging small steps, such as spending more time with friends or doing things without you, will help her grow in confidence and show her that you are managing. Reassure her that you are working on your wellbeing and that she does not need to worry about you. 

Being turned away from services is demoralising but you are entitled to help. Go back to your GP and be explicit about how bleak things feel. Be open to medication as it can be transformative. Organisations such as Mind can help you navigate between services. See also bacp.co.uk. Loneliness feels permanent when we are depressed, but it can change. 

Also please gently reach out to one or two friends you used to be close to and explain how illness has made you push people away. They will probably be far kinder and more understanding than you fear.

Why does his girlfriend always put me down?

Q My husband is one of three brothers, all close. The younger one’s newish girlfriend is very competitive. She is in the same profession as me but, even though I’m more experienced, she is always talking up her role and acting as though she knows more than I do. 

She also seems scornful that I only work part time (I have pre-teen children). I am not particularly ambitious but I am well respected at work. I keep hoping that my brother-in-law will end this relationship but his previous girlfriend left him for someone else and he was quite cut up about it, so I fear he won’t.

A It’s upsetting to feel judged in a family setting. You don’t have to defend your ambitions or your working hours. Going part time while raising children is a valid decision, and many people only understand that once they have children themselves. 

The most important thing here, however, is that this is not really about you. Someone who constantly talks themselves up is often wrestling with insecurity. You might try laying on the charm: tell her how exciting her career sounds and how well she seems to be doing, while also speaking positively about your own work. If she feels approved of, she may ease back on the competitiveness. And if she doesn’t respond generously to warmth and goodwill, that tells its own story. 

Over time, your brother-in-law may see her more clearly, without you needing to say a word.