My son’s smitten with his new cougar girlfriend… this is what no one dares admit about older-women lovers: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My 25-year-old son just brought his new girlfriend home for the first time – and I was appalled.

The woman is easily almost as old as me.

While I’ve never been one to judge age-gap relationships, I think 20 years is a bit much. I’m in my 50s and this woman is at least 45!

Watching them together, I could see that she slipped into a bit of a ‘motherly’ role, adjusting his clothes, reminding him of manners. It was disturbing to watch as his actual mother.

I couldn’t help but wonder why he would want to date someone so much older than him and who is just as overbearing as me! And I also can’t understand why a woman her age wouldn’t want someone, well, her own age.

My son, however, is smitten. He raved about her at the dinner table, telling us all about her career that she has prioritized instead of having a family.

Which brings me to my next concern: kids. I desperately want to be a grandma, but it seems she has no interest in being a mom given her lifestyle and age. 

To each their own, but my son is young, and I don’t think he should be removing the option to have children just yet.

Sincerely,

Anti-Cougar

Dear Anti-Cougar,

All of us mothers think we know what is best for our children and it can be incredibly painful to watch them make choices that we believe are not good for them, or may even be harmful in some way.

I understand that this is not who you would choose for your son, but this is not your life, it is your son’s. 

It can be very hard to let go once our children are adults – because we raised them and tried to teach them what is good for them. But mama, you have done your job. You have sent your son off into the world to build his own life and make his own choices.

She may not be who you would choose, but it sounds like your son and his partner have a loving relationship. Perhaps what you see as ‘overbearing’ behavior is simply a sign that she has more experience than him and cares enough about him to gently correct him when necessary.

You cannot, and must not, get involved in the women he chooses. I know how difficult this is – I have watched some of my own children get involved with people I do not believe are right for them, but it is none of my business. 

My job, as their mother, is to love and support them. If there is abuse, or terrible behavior, that would be another story, but you cannot interfere in your children’s romantic choices. Doing so will only push him away, which sounds like the very last thing you want.

He is 25, which is still young. This may or may not be the woman he ends up with, but he has to reach that decision alone. If he ever comes to you for advice, you can ask whether or not he wants children, but you cannot direct him, nor tell him you are unhappy. 

Ultimately you want a child who is happy, and if this woman makes him so, the wisest thing you can do is let them be.