My wife’s unforgivable 4am confession after a night on cocaine has shattered me. Now I don’t know who I married: ASK JANA
Dear Jana,
My marriage of ten years began as an affair – and my family still won’t accept my husband.
Long story short: he was my boss and we fell in love. I left my ex-husband for him and it was a horrible, messy time. He was devastated; his family hated me. And my family was convinced I’d blown up my life.
Fast forward more than a decade and we’re still married and genuinely happy. I don’t regret a thing.
You’d think our years together would prove it wasn’t some scandalous fling, but my parents and sister still treat him like the villain.
They’re cold, snarky, and sometimes outright rude to him at every gathering. This year, he’s told me he doesn’t want to come to Christmas dinner because he’s tired of being punished for a choice I made ten years ago – a choice I’d make again.
How do I make my family finally see that my relationship is real and lasting, and stop acting like we’re illicit lovers?
Ten Years, Still Taboo.
A woman who left her husband for her affair partner tells Jana Hocking (pictured) that her family still won’t accept him – even though they have been married now for a decade
Dear Ten Years, Still Taboo,
Deep down, I don’t think your family is mad at your husband. They’re mad that your ‘scandal’ didn’t end the way they predicted – or hoped.
They were primed and ready for the ‘told you so’ moment and the dramatic return to your ex. Instead, you did something wildly inconvenient. You stayed happily married.
For ten years.
Bravo! I’ve always said affairs aren’t as black and white as people say, and you’re living proof. Don’t get me wrong, some cheaters are just dirtbags, but it sounds like you found your real love match in a messy, unconventional way.
Here’s the real issue: Your family is protecting their pride.
If they were to treat your husband like a decent human being, they’d have to also acknowledge your ‘terrible decision’ to leave your ex-husband wasn’t reckless. They’d have to accept that you ‘blowing up your life’ was actually the right thing to do.
That’s hard to admit for people who enjoy being morally superior.
But it’s time you stop tiptoeing around their hurt feelings and start protecting your husband’s. Have the conversation. Tell them the past is settled, the marriage is here to stay, and the man they’re punishing is the one you love.
Then spell out the bare minimum you expect: not a group hug, just basic respect.
And if they refuse, don’t drag your husband into another cold, snark-filled holiday. Make other plans. Show your family they will lose access to you if they keep this up.
Dear Jana,
My wife and I haven’t had sex in over a year. There was no big argument, no cheating, no babies, no illness. We just stopped.
We still love each other, we’re affectionate, we cuddle, but the real intimacy is gone. I suggested therapy but she’s ‘not interested in someone analysing us’.
I’m scared that if we don’t fix this soon, our marriage will be over.
Rejected.
A man whose wife won’t touch him anymore – and refuses to explain why or try therapy – asks Jana if their marriage is still salvageable (stock image posed by models)
Dear Rejected,
Good news – there’s a simple fix for this dilemma: grab a mop and bucket.
But before we get to that, remember this: what you’re facing is incredibly common. I hear it from married friends – men and women – all the time.
When a couple stops having sex after a crisis, at least there’s a clear reason. It’s when intimacy simply fades without warning that panic sets in.
Long-term couples lose their spark when they stop nurturing what made things electric in the first place. Remember: she fell for the man who made an effort – not the guy slumped on the couch every night watching Netflix.
She was drawn to the dates, the curiosity, the playfulness, the flirting – in short, the magic of effort. Over time, life’s routines – work, bills, chores, endless TV – tend to smooth those edges away.
If she’s not keen on therapy, start smaller. Plan something intentionally intimate but not sexual: a weekend escape, a phone-free dinner, or a massage with no strings attached. Forget performance – just reconnect.
If you want real change, you’ll both need a dose of courage. Someone has to break the pattern – start with more than a clumsy grope in the dark. Instead, try a genuine, ‘I miss us’ moment.
But here’s the key: keep it warm, not needy. Say, ‘I love what we have, but I want the passion back too. Can we find our way there together?’
Desire isn’t spontaneous – it’s rebuilt piece by piece. The fact you’re asking means yours is still kicking; now it’s time to coax hers out of hiding.
And a final tip: lift your game at home. Take out the bins, mop the floor, make her life easier. You might well find yourself rewarded in the best possible way.
Dear Jana,
After a big night out with her friends, my wife came home at 4am in that chaotic, oversharing mood she gets after partying too much.
She flopped on the bed and, out of nowhere, blurted that she gets ‘so horny’ after coke. Then she laughed and said it was ‘lucky her friend ordered an Uber before I got any ideas’ – and promptly passed out.
I’ve been spiralling ever since. Was she joking, or was that some sort of cheating confession?
We’ve been married seven years, and she’s never given me any reason to doubt her – but now I can’t shake the thought of what really happens on these nights outs, or whether she’s one bad decision away from cheating.
Am I overreacting, or is this a genuine red flag I need to address?
Spiralling Spouse.
A worried husband fears that his wife strays when she uses cocaine with friends (stock image)
Dear Spiralling Spouse,
Honestly, if your wife was planning to cheat, she wouldn’t come home and announce her wild thoughts like she’s hosting a podcast.
Saying that to you was reckless with your feelings, but it wasn’t a confession. It was probably just tipsy oversharing with a dash of bravado.
People spout nonsense when they’re loose with friends, and even more when they stumble through the door at 4am, trying to seem interesting.
But here’s what is actually going on. Cocaine lowers inhibitions. It makes people feel flirty and chaotic. It also makes them say dumb things they would never act on.
And if her friend genuinely did order her the Uber before she did something she’d regret, that tells me she surrounds herself with women who look out for her – and you. That is a green flag, not a red one.
It sounds like you’re worried there’s a side to your wife you don’t fully know. So ask her, not with accusations, but with honesty: ‘You said something the other night that unsettled me. Can we talk about it?’
Couples get through these moments by being honest, not jealous. Find out what she meant, listen, and then discuss boundaries that help you both feel secure.
