Somewhere between “I’ve got it” and “No worries,” we accidentally glamorized being an island. At some point, culture decided that the woman who never asks for help, never leans, never cracks, never needs, is the chill girl. The cool girl. The aspiration.
Unfortunately, it turns out this is a total myth—and a damaging one, at that.
Monica Berg, cohost of the Spiritually Hungry podcast, author, and international speaker, weighs in:
“Hyper-independence is isolation masquerading as empowerment.”
It’s the habit of refusing to ask for help even when you’re drowning. It’s powering through every task because relying on someone else feels inconvenient, burdensome, or ignites the fear that you’re “too much.” It’s white-knuckling your way through life and calling it strength.
Spoiler: it’s not. It’s exhaustion with good PR.
Why does independence start backfiring?
Hyper-independence has a sneaky way of slipping into our relationships. We’re so busy proving that we can carry everything all the time, we don’t notice the people trying to meet us halfway and participate in our lives. Helping each other is human nature, but it’s like we get emotional tunnel vision. Every responsibility and every burden becomes ours.
Monica reminds us of this spiritual truth: “Connection is not optional. It’s literally why we’re here.”
It’s not just about getting help. It’s about intimacy, interdependence, and being human with other humans.
“Anthropologist Margaret Mead famously said that the first sign of human civilization wasn’t pottery or tools. It was a healed femur bone, because a healed bone is evidence that someone with a severe injury was cared for long enough to recover. Humanity didn’t evolve through solo survival. We advanced through people showing up for each other,” Monica shares.
We didn’t evolve by being lone wolves. We evolved by taking care of each other.
So why are we addicted to hyper-independence?
Two words: protective instinct.
“Because we’ve all been let down,” Monica explains.
“We’ve been hurt by those we depended on who didn’t come through for us. Hyper-independence is a protective mechanism, and as hard as it is to go it alone, that discomfort protects us from the greater discomfort of being vulnerable or risking disappointment. But those walls that keep the pain out also keep the joy out.
“The most aligned, magnetic, fulfilled version of you doesn’t do life alone. She cultivates a circle.
She leans. She receives as much as she gives. She asks for help and doesn’t equate that with failure.”
In other words, she knows that support isn’t a weakness; it’s a superpower.
Control is a lie.
Hyper-independence seduces us with the illusion of control. If you do it all yourself, nothing will fall apart, right?… right!?
Not quite.
Monica says it best. “The only things you genuinely control are your own thoughts and your own behavior.”
The rest? It’s a cosmic cocktail of timing, other people’s choices, and divine choreography. Trying to control everything doesn’t prevent disappointment; it just limits possibilities. Think: less openness, less magic, less serendipity.
Asking for help isn’t failure. It’s an expansion.
“Asking for help isn’t failure, it doesn’t even mean that you can’t do it yourself,” Monica tells us.
“You probably could. This world is designed to provide opportunities for growth, giving and receiving, holding, and being held. You’re meant to thrive, and you do that by choosing connection over isolation. To allow someone to show up for you the way you show up for others.
Strength isn’t ‘I can do it alone.’ Strength is ‘I don’t have to.’”
