The ultimate orgasm secret women don’t talk about. For many, it’s the only way to reach the finish line – and men won’t like it… ASK JANA

Dear Jana, 

I’m 46, engaged for the first time, and have an eight-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I’ve worked hard to build a stable life for us. 

It wasn’t easy, but I managed to buy my own home. 

I run a successful business that I’m passionate about, and have a decent amount of savings. My fiancé is younger than me – 33 – and kind and supportive, and while he doesn’t earn as much as I do, that’s never been an issue for me. 

What has become an issue is my suggestion of a prenup.

I brought it up gently, trying to keep it light, but he got really upset. He said it felt like I was already planning for the marriage to fail. Now there’s tension between us. He keeps saying, ‘If you really trusted me, we wouldn’t need one.’ 

But for me, it’s not about trust – it’s about protecting what I’ve built and my daughter’s future if things don’t work out.  If he won’t sign it… should I be worried? 

Mother with a Mortgage.

Dear Mother with a Mortgage,

My spidey senses always start tingling when someone is against a prenup.

Surely he knows your story and can see how hard you’ve worked to get yourself into a financially secure spot? If he doesn’t, have you really shared enough with each other to be taking this next big step?

A prenup doesn’t mean you’re betting on divorce. It means you’ve lived long enough to know that s**t happens.

And the fact is, you are not 23, fresh out of uni and moving in with your boyfriend on a wing and a prayer. You have a lifetime’s worth of experience behind you, and a small human who will always be your priority.

So, this isn’t about romance – it’s about money.

You’re not saying you don’t love him. You’re saying: ‘If this goes belly-up, I still need to be able to pay for school shoes and council rates without going to war in court.’

Women are taught that protecting ourselves makes us cold. It doesn’t – it makes us smart. Men do it all the time and don’t cop this bulls***, so you need to take a stand.

If he can’t even have a mature convo about your assets and how to protect them, you’re right to put things on hold.

Stick to your guns on this one. And if he respects the life you’ve built, he’ll show up with a pen and say, ‘Where do I sign?’

Dear Jana, 

This feels like something I should keep to myself, but I’m starting to worry.

I’m seeing a guy who’s great. He’s kind, generous and funny – and yes, he’s good in bed. But I can’t orgasm unless I imagine I’m with someone else. 

And if I’m being really honest, it’s an issue I’ve had my whole life.

I’ve tried to stay present and focus on him but my body just doesn’t reach the finish line unless my mind drifts somewhere else. 

It’s not even always someone I know – sometimes it’s just a fantasy version of a person.

Does this mean I’m not really into him? Or is this a common thing no one talks about? 

Distracted.

Dear Distracted,

Oh girl, relax.

Sometimes we all need to let our mind drift to Brad Pitt in that scene from Legends of the Fall when he’s crying over his brother to really get off.

No? Just me?

Look, our brains are weird little beasts when it comes to arousal. They don’t always line up neatly with our real-life emotions or even our real-life lovers.

And fantasising during sex is not a betrayal. If it was, I’ve cheated on many boyfriends with Brad Pitt, Idris Elba and Tom Hardy more times than I care to recall. 

Plenty of women use mental porn to get across the finish line, especially in long-term relationships, or when things are still warming up. Unlike men, who can get their rocks off in 60 seconds, women need a little more mental stimulation.

Now, if you were fantasising about someone else instead of getting down and dirty with your boyfriend, I’d be concerned. 

But from what you’re saying, this guy sounds great. You laugh and have great chemistry – that matters. Ask any old couple that lasted the distance, and they’ll tell you that your partner should be your best friend. 

So no, you’re not broken – you’re just a horny girl with a vivid imagination.

Dear Jana, 

My husband and I opened our marriage last year because we thought it might help us reconnect. We hadn’t had sex in months, and everything felt flat. 

It was supposed to be fun with no feelings, just a bit of excitement – but now he’s in love with someone else. He says it doesn’t take anything away from us, but I feel completely replaced.

He’s acting like this is all a totally normal part of opening our marriage. I was fine with him sleeping with someone else, but I didn’t sign up for this. 

Open and Over It.

Dear Open and Over It,

How do I say this politely? Your marriage is done.

And I say that wrapped in a hug, but also with the wisdom that comes from being friends with a very successful New York divorce attorney.

When I ran your question by him, he didn’t even blink.

‘Jana,’ he said, ‘the only couples I’ve ever met in open relationships are the ones sitting across from me… signing divorce papers.’

Now, that’s not to say all open relationships are doomed. But here’s an important point: you didn’t open your marriage because you were deeply secure and curious.

You opened it because things were sexless and boring and you were hoping a bit of chaos might revive what used to be there.

In a healthy open marriage, you and your husband would go out, shag other people, then come home for a cuddle and a roll in the marital bed.

What instead happened is your husband found another woman and formed a love connection with her – the kind of intimacy that should be for you alone.

And the worst part is, somehow he expected you to be cool with that. It honestly shows a lack of respect for you and your marriage.

If he’s more in love with this other woman than he is with the life you built together, then let them get on with it. You deserve more.