If the thought of interacting with certain family members ties your stomach in knots and has you rehearsing conversations aloud in the shower, you may need a few professional-grade boundary tools. The holidays bring plenty of joy, but also a few people who love to test your patience.
We called in Esther Perel, the world-famous relationship expert who can decode dynamics faster than most of us can unwrap a present, to help. She shared a few practical scripts for keeping your boundaries intact with friends and family members who don’t always know when to stop digging for details.
These boundary scripts are designed for dealing with the nosy, the insistent, and the well-intended oversharers. The people who believe they’re helping, even when their guidance feels like a tiny emotional bulldozer.
In our conversation below, Esther encourages working with scripts that communicate our boundaries in a loving, respectful way that helps keep the peace.
She begins with this key concept: “Instead of trying to push people out, which usually reinforces their desire to come in, appreciate the underlying intent.
“It looks something like this: ‘I know how much you care. I know how much this matters to you. I know how much you want the best for me, and I will take it into account. Thank you.’
“And that’s all. You don’t have to say, ‘It’s my business, it’s my life, it’s my relationship.’ It’s just, ‘I appreciate how much you think about me, and I’ll definitely think about it as well.’ Period.”
Q: What are some examples of scripts or phrases people can use to navigate sensitive topics like politics, relationships, or money without escalating tensions?
Esther Perel: “One thing you can do is listen attentively. Find out how other people think and don’t say much. You don’t have to enter into a discussion. You can just pay attention.
“On occasion, you can ask:
- ‘I’m curious how you came to think of it this way.’
- ‘How did these ideas become so important to you?’
- ‘Is this the way you’ve always thought, or is this a more recent way of understanding the situation we’re living in?’
“Regarding money—money is probably the most difficult topic, more difficult than politics, more difficult than sex and relationships. You can find the time and say, ‘I have a very brief question—just one. This will not be an overwhelming conversation.’
This is not a kitchen-sink situation where you throw 10 topics into the sink with all the dirty dishes.”
According to Esther, these are some good ways to start:
- “It occurs to me …”
- “I realize we haven’t talked about X in a long time.”
If they still don’t want to engage, you’re probably not wrong to think something is being hidden, avoided, or not addressed.
Q: How can you communicate your need for personal space or alone time without offending family members?
Esther Perel: “Say, ‘I love being with you. Sometimes I need a little space to recharge. And often while I’m recharging, I’m actually thinking about how much I love being with you. But I have a certain rhythm that I need to keep. I’m more on the introvert side.’
“You start not by saying ‘I need space,’ but by expressing how much you enjoy being with them or how important it is to you, even if it’s about value rather than enjoyment.”
Then express…“‘I also really need some time to reconstitute, to quiet down, to be by myself, so I can bring you the best of me, which I think is what you deserve.’”
Q: How can people recover or redirect the conversation if a boundary is crossed or a comment lands poorly?
Esther Perel: “I’ve always loved this reframe: ‘Thank you for always trying to make me a better person.’
“It’s amazing. Instead of ‘How can you say such a thing?’ you assume positive intent. It ends the conversation gracefully. You’ve complimented them while also putting them in their place. There’s nothing left to respond to.”
Q: What simple practices can help someone stay calm and grounded when setting boundaries during the holidays?
Esther Perel: “Some of my favorite ways include:
- Taking lots of breaths.
- Taking lots of bathroom breaks.
- Not having too many drinks; they can go either way.
- Creating an alliance with someone else who will be at the table, someone who understands this isn’t easy for you.”
If fear of touchy topics is a bone-chilling factor, have some conversation starters of your own to help direct the vibe. A great way to (safely) go deeper with friends or family is to play a game. Esther’s Where Should We Begin? A Game of Stories is a card game that sparks conversations, connections, and play. With this, it’s almost like Esther Perel is your ally in the room—can’t beat that backup!
Q: When relatives bring up topics like marriage, kids, or career choices, what’s the best way to respond while maintaining boundaries?
Esther Perel: “Have a few people who understand the situation and can come to your aid, so you don’t have to do this alone. Not by saying something shaming like, ‘Leave her alone, you know she hasn’t had an easy time meeting people,’ but by simply changing the subject.
“There’s a scene in the Netflix series Nobody Wants This, where a couple begins debating religious conversion in the middle of a dinner with friends. Each remembered the story differently. The friends recognized the tension and changed the subject. They understood it wasn’t a conversation that needed to happen in front of everyone. Have others step in for you.
“You can also say, ‘I appreciate your care, curiosity, and concern. It means a lot, but maybe this isn’t the right moment to discuss this.’
“Welcome the intention behind the question rather than dismissing it. And at the same time, you don’t need to answer. You don’t even need to say, ‘I don’t need to answer.’ You simply…don’t answer.”
