Gen Z: OMD* did you see Wuthering Heights? The sex scenes are fire.
Boomer: I had to leave.
*Gasps* WDYM*?
Isabella Linton chained up and barking like a dog as part of a sex game (see below)? No, thank you.
You’re giving beige*. Gen Z can’t get enough of the spicy adaptation. It made £56 million in its first weekend.
I’m with The Times, which called it a ‘sleet-and-shagfest’ featuring ‘phallic découpage’ and ‘libidinous dough’.
Sorry, director Emerald Fennell gets passion. Unlike the boring Brontë book where they barely even kiss.
It’s a Victorian novel! There isn’t meant to be BDSM in a stable.
Puppy love? Alison Oliver as Isabella in Wuthering Heights
And the egg scene. Talk about spice.
Ah yes, Jacob Elordi caressing egg yolks and penetrating jellied fish mouths. I don’t remember Brontë’s Heathcliff having such a food fetish.
Vogue says the sex scenes express Cathy and Heathcliff’s ‘intoxication’.
I agree with The Economist: that it ‘resembles the book about as closely as the Yorkshire Moors resemble Los Angeles’.
But the whole idea of sexual obsession is ‘in keeping with the tone of Brontë’s book’.
Have you even read Wuthering Heights?
Don’t be shady. I watched a TikTok summary.
It’s nonsense! For starters, there’s the fact that the houses, Wuthering Heights and Thrushcross Grange, are four miles apart.
You’re banging on about geography? Really?
As The Times’ Robert Crampton points out: with Cathy and Heathcliff traipsing to and fro for their daily trysts, ‘they must have bagged a monumental step count’.
At least their sex is authentic! Better than the scenes in your 1980s movies.
I’m sorry?
You don’t see anything but slipping satin straps and billowing curtains!
Excuse me. What about 9½ Weeks? It was 1986 and I’ve never forgotten Mickey Rourke feeding a blindfolded Kim Basinger those strawberries on his kitchen floor.
Snoozefest. According to The Atlantic, Gen Zs want to see the ‘nitty gritty’ of what’s going on in the bedroom.
This coming from the generation having the least sex, ever? That same piece said 25 per cent of Gen Zs haven’t had sex in a year, double the amount from 2010.
We’re having it less but watching it more.
Without sounding vulgar, you’re missing out on most of the fun.
*Shudders* Pls don’t be icky. Anyway, tell that to fans of smutty ice hockey romance Heated Rivalry.
Well, it can’t be any worse than Wuthering Heights and its, ahem, ‘yearning’ corpse.
It’s even steamier. In the words of the Daily Mail’s Sarah Vine, it’s ultimately ‘gay porn’.
I’m not sure I need to hear more…
There are ‘more hoses being vigorously pumped than at my local petrol station’.
I’m all for a good time. But eight episodes of blokes bonking is a bit much for me.
Not for Gen Zs. They’ve made Heated Rivalry HBO’s most-watched show ever.
Isn’t it odd that young girls are obsessing over, to put it politely, male erotica?
Love is blind: Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke in 9½ Weeks
Not really. According to The Guardian, Gen Z women are ‘feral’ for any sex scenes that don’t centre on straight, chauvinistic, white men.
Should’ve guessed. What else makes the PC cut?
The new Bridgerton series.
Hang on, that’s set in the 1800s. You’re not telling me those blokes weren’t straight and chauvinistic?
Actually, the new series is all about ‘tackling female sex taboos’, according to the BBC.
What taboos are left after barking Victorians and hockey hoses?
Female pleasure. An entire episode is dedicated to Francesca Bridgerton’s husband helping her reach her ‘pinnacle’.
Her ‘pinnacle’? Sounds like a particularly vigorous Lake District hike.
Even the matriarch Violet has raunchy scenes. Part one ended with her clad in lingerie, telling her love interest: ‘I am the tea you’ll be drinking.’
Finally! A Boomer having Bridger-tons of fun.
*OMD Oh my days.
*WDYM What do you mean?
*Giving beige Being boring
