My wife and I waited until marriage to sleep together… now our sex life is so crushingly bland, I’m considering an indecent proposal: ASK JANA

Dear Jana, 

My wife and I waited until marriage to have sex because we were both raised in very religious households. She was a virgin, I wasn’t, although my experience was very limited. 

I thought once we were married everything would open up and we’d grow together sexually.

The problem is, five years in, our sex life is incredibly bland. She barely moves, avoids trying anything new, and frankly seems embarrassed whenever the topic comes up. 

I’ve tried gently suggesting new things or even just talking about what she enjoys, but she shuts down and says sex is ‘fine the way it is’.

I hate admitting this, but sometimes I find myself wondering what it would be like to sleep with a woman who actually enjoys sex and knows what she’s doing. I feel guilty even thinking it, but I can’t pretend the thought isn’t there.

I’m now considering asking her to open up the marriage. I don’t want to cheat, and I’m also not in love with the idea of her being with another man, but I can’t bear the thought of having boring sex for the rest of my life.

Is there a way to broach the subject in a positive way that she may say yes to? 

I fear we made a mistake waiting until marriage to discover we’re sexually incompatible. 

Waiting Didn’t Work.

Dear Waiting Didn’t Work,

Oh, dear. ‘Fine the way it is’ does not make for an exciting sex life, and the problem is, when it comes to change, both parties have to want it.

The thing that stands out to me here isn’t actually the lack of sexual fireworks, it’s the embarrassment around the topic. When someone grows up in a religious environment where sex is treated as something shameful or secret, those feelings don’t magically disappear the day you say ‘I do.’ Sometimes they linger for years.

So before you go marching in with the words ‘open marriage’, I would strongly suggest tackling the real issue first: comfort.

Because the truth is, plenty of couples who waited until marriage do eventually build a great sex life. It just requires patience, curiosity and sometimes a little outside help. 

A sex therapist can work wonders in situations like this, helping someone unpack years of awkward messaging about sex and learn how to enjoy it without guilt.

Now, if after honest conversations, trying new things slowly, and maybe even seeing a therapist together… she still genuinely prefers things exactly as they are, then yes, you may have discovered a mismatch in sexual expectations.

But suggesting an open marriage right now would likely land like a grenade. For someone already shy about sex, it may sound less like ‘let’s improve our intimacy’ and more like ‘you’re not enough for me’.

And that’s a hard bell to unring.

So start with curiosity, not ultimatums. Ask what makes her comfortable. Ask what makes her nervous. Create an environment where talking about sex doesn’t feel like a performance review.

And dare I say it, gift her one of those cheeky erotica books all women are going gaga for at the moment. Nothing fires up a woman’s libido quite like a saucy read.

You might be surprised what opens up once the pressure disappears.

And if nothing changes, then at least you’ll know you tried everything before outsourcing the job.

Dear Jana, 

I recently discovered my best friend has been having an affair with a famous married man. I won’t name him, but he’s someone you’d definitely recognise from the news.

She swears they’re in love and insists his marriage is ‘basically over’, although from the outside it very much isn’t.

The whole thing makes me deeply uncomfortable. I’m happily married and seeing how easily someone can lead a double life has started to mess with my head a bit. 

I’m also finding myself judging my friend in a way I never expected.

To make matters worse, I’ve been struggling financially lately and I know full well that if I leaked what I know, it would be worth serious money.

Am I a terrible person for even thinking about it?

Dirty Secret.

Dear Dirty Secret,

Short answer: yes, you are a terrible person for thinking about it.

Longer answer: girl… this is none of your business. Stay out of it.

Look, I can see where your brain has gone with this. Watching someone live a double life can rattle you – especially when it’s someone you’re close to. It suddenly makes cheating feel a lot less theoretical and a lot more… likely. 

It sounds like it’s triggered an insecurity you have in your own marriage. It’s unnerving to discover just how easy an affair can be.

People cheat. They always have, and they always will. But that doesn’t mean you need to get dragged into the circus.

What your friend is doing is messy. What this famous man is doing is messier. But leaking the story for a payday would make you part of the mess as well. 

(Also, you may be overestimating how much the media pays for stories these days. It isn’t a lot, trust me. Do you really want to blow up your friendship for a few grand?)

Now, let’s be honest about something: affairs involving famous men rarely stay secret forever. Someone always talks, a text leaks, a hotel staff member notices. These things unravel eventually, usually in a public and humiliating fashion.

You don’t need to be the person holding the match.

If the situation makes you uncomfortable, it’s perfectly reasonable to pull back from the friendship a little. You don’t have to cheer her on or pretend you’re thrilled about her love life.

Just resist the temptation to turn someone else’s chaos into your side hustle.

Because quick money has a habit of costing a lot more than it pays.

Dear Jana, 

My husband and I recently found out I’m pregnant after years of trying and two heartbreaking miscarriages.

Because of that history, we agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone until the three-month mark. I needed the time to feel safe before sharing the news.

This morning I woke up to a text from one of his friend’s wives congratulating me. Confused, I asked how she knew. Apparently, my husband got drunk at the pub last night and told his mates.

When I confronted him, he said he was just excited and didn’t think it was a big deal. But it feels like a betrayal. I trusted him with something deeply personal and fragile, and he treated it like pub gossip.

Am I overreacting, or did he cross a serious line here? 

News Travels Fast.

Dear News Travels Fast,

Girl, I am fuming for you. Not just because he let the news slip, but because he doesn’t seem to understand why it matters.

After experiencing miscarriages, those early weeks of pregnancy can feel incredibly delicate. I’ve seen friends walk that nervous tightrope between hope and fear, so wanting to keep the news close to your chest for a while is totally understandable.

And no, I don’t think you’re overreacting.

However – and I hate to say however – I do understand his excitement.

Men don’t always carry the same fear around pregnancy that women do. They haven’t been through the physical trauma or the emotional roller-coaster of loss in quite the same way, so when they hear good news, their instinct is often to celebrate immediately.

Annoying, but true.

What you likely have here isn’t a cruel husband, just an overly enthusiastic one with a big mouth and a few beers in his system.

That said, he absolutely did break your agreement, and he needs to understand why it matters so much to you. This wasn’t just a fun piece of gossip to share with his mates. This was something fragile you both promised to protect until you felt safe.

So yes, have the conversation. Tell him exactly how it made you feel and why those early weeks carry a very different emotional weight for you.

And hopefully, once the hangover clears and he sees how upset you are, it might finally click that this wasn’t just a harmless pub story.

For now, try not to let his big mouth steal the joy from something you’ve both waited so long for. Look after yourself, mama, and congratulations.