For years I thought my mum had died in a tragic suicide pact – the truth was so much worse than I ever could have imagined

This Morning’s Cat Deeley was left holding back tears as a woman whose mother was thought to have died by suicide opened up on the horrifying truth live on air. 

Lauren Howell took to the ITV show on Thursday morning to open up on the death of her mother Lesley in 1991 – which was ruled as a suicide as a result of her father, Colin, having an affair. 

Dentist Mr Howell had started up a relationship with lover Hazel Stewart before Lesley was tragically found dead after inhaling carbon monoxide fumes from a car exhaust. 

While the death was made to appear like a suicide pact, alongside Stewart’s husband, Trevor Buchanan, who was killed in the same manner – the truth came out 18 years later when Howell confessed to the murder. 

Daughter Lauren Bradford-Clarke, a professor in criminal psychology, spent most of her life believing that her mother had committed suicide alongside Stewart’s husband. 

She went on to be brought up by her father, who remained in a relationship with Stewart, who was in on the murder plot, for some time – having heavy involvement in Lesley’s children’s lives even in the weeks after her death. 

But in 2009, dentist Howell walked into a police station in County Londonderry and admitted to the murders of his wife Lesley, and Stewart’s husband Trevor, to officers.

It came as a horrifying shock to Lauren and her brothers, Erik, Johnny and Daniel, after growing up with their father who had kept his murderous secret for 18 years.

Opening up on her mother’s murder, Lauren told Cat and co-host Ben Shephard: ‘My childhood was very much defined by loss, and bereavement and navigating what it’s like not to have a mum. 

‘I was four years old. I’ve got some precious memories of my mum, and I’m so grateful to have those because my brothers were too young to have any memories.

‘It happened the day after my brother Daniel’s second birthday – we had got this blue slide for his birthday and we were all very excited, it was in May, the weather was quite nice, and I remember playing on the blue side. 

‘But my mum was out, and she was in the house all the time, so when she wasn’t in the house I every much noticed and I remember going, “Where’s mummy?” – I’d already noted that she wasn’t there. 

‘Then I remember my older brother Matthew and I were called in by some of our church elders, and told that my mum had died.’ 

At the time, the children were told that Lesley’s death had been ruled a suicide after inhaling deadly fume carbon monoxide, which prevents oxygen from reaching vital organs like the brain and heart and causes death. 

Lauren’s brother Matthew passed away in 2007 before Howell confessed. 

For Lauren, her mother’s death being ruled a suicide had a lifelong impact: ‘I grew up being very fearful of car fumes, if anyone was walking near the back of a car I’d be almost panicked. 

‘Many people have unfortunately experienced losing a loved one through suicide and for a long time I had those normal feelings of, “Why did she leave? Why was I not enough? Why were we not enough?”

‘But, and I think this attests to who my mum was, I had this inherent sense, it didn’t make sense to me that she had left us.’

Despite Stewart’s involvement in the murder pact, it was a difficult loss for Lauren to deal with, admitting she saw her father’s lover as ‘like a mother figure’. 

She continued: ‘I very much saw her throughout my life, and probably still, [as a mother figure] because I’ve just always wanted a mummy. 

‘I’ve often looked to people, women that I have come across in my life, and I’m so desperate to have a mummy, and Hazel was very much a mummy figure to me. 

‘I loved her so dearly, and when that relationship ended, I grieved for her like you would for a mother – and dealing with the complexity of that after finding out the truth was something.’ 

Following the confession, Lauren admitted she was left ‘in shock’ but also felt an ‘instant relief’ knowing that her mother would ‘never have left her children’. 

Lauren added: ‘There’s so much I feel like I can’t even articulate about it because of how shocking it was – the kind of shock that is like cold running through your body. 

‘I still can’t understand it, but in the midst of all that shock was the immediate sense of, “that makes more sense”.

‘I always thought it was suicide, and I had this almost instant relief… this instant sense of the impression my mum had implanted on me in such a short time that she would never have left her children. 

‘I don’t really spend my energy or time thinking about [why my father confessed], it’s one of the things in the situation I cannot control and I’ve just had to learn how to not dwell on those things. 

‘My focus has been on rediscovering my mum and in lots of ways discovering her for the first time and I suppose that restoration of her. Her whole identity has shifted now.

‘My mum’s life was stolen, so life is precious and I want to do as much as I can to honour her.’

It comes after the confession tapes of murderer and sex offender Colin Howell have been broadcast in public for the first time, revealing his apparent intention to ‘put right what was wrong’. 

Police had originally believed Mrs Howell and Mr Buchanan died in a suicide pact, after discovering that their partners were having an extra-marital affair.

But the victims had actually been drugged before being murdered and their bodies arranged to make it look as though they had taken their own lives.

Howell’s crimes only came to light in 2008 when he confessed to elders in his church and then police – and he was imprisoned for at least 21 years in 2010.

He also implicated former Sunday school teacher Stewart and she was jailed for at least 18 years in 2011. She was told last July that she cannot appeal the sentence.

Howell was also imprisoned in 2011 for five-and-a-half years for indecent assaults on five female patients, although this ran concurrent to the sentence for murder.

As he continues to serve his sentence at high-security Maghaberry Prison, a new documentary airing on BBC Two this Sunday has broadcast his confession tapes.

But Howell’s daughter Lauren Bradford-Clarke has criticised the BBC today after saying the corporation denied her plea to hear the tapes before they were broadcast.

In ‘Confessions of a Killer‘, Howell is heard talking in a police interview about Stewart’s role in the murders and says: ‘Definitely as a person she was a victim.

‘There was a co-operation but arising from, you’ve told me, I didn’t know she had a fear, but obviously it’s clear she had a fear and didn’t know how to escape from it.

‘So yeah she responded and did certain things that she now, at the time had even, especially now, regrets. But in terms of the driving force as to why these things happened, she’s been a very unfortunate victim of Colin Howell and I regret that.’

Howell also claims he had decided to confess because of changes in his marriage, finances and ‘a sudden inability to function with patients’ at his dental practice.

He says he had been ‘involved in intermittent sexual behaviours with patients’ at the practice.

The killer, who went to church in Coleraine, adds that he realised ‘as a Christian I was a fake’, saying: ‘My world fell apart.

‘I walked in here probably believing that this was the only way that I could be real and that it would put right what was wrong, that’s why I came and confessed.’

Howell adds that his justice in the law would be ‘deserved’ after his confession, and he had prayed the consequences would be ‘bearable to the people who I’ve said sorry to’.

Killer In The House is available to stream on ITVX