How to win ANY argument: Lawyer reveals nine-second method and key phrases that will give you the ultimate power at home, work and even with your tricky neighbours

Lawyer Jefferson Fisher was in court ­representing his client when it was his turn to question a witness, Bobby LaPray. A man mountain who became increasingly enraged with Jefferson’s questions, Bobby railed that ­lawyers were ‘the worst thing to happen to America’.

Jefferson considered verbally cutting him down to size, but after remaining silent for ten seconds, he asked: ‘What’s been your biggest struggle this year?’

Bobby, suddenly disarmed, told how his father had died and his mother had recently been placed in a care home, leaving him to deal with threats of having his house repossessed and legal ­paperwork he didn’t understand.

Jefferson offered to find him some help and suddenly the hulking ­witness, who had looked ready to take a swing at him, instead reached over to give him a hug.

If Jefferson’s methods for resolving conflict seem unorthodox for the courtroom, they have nonetheless turned the 37-year-old Texan into a superstar. After he posted a brief clip on ­TikTok three years ago ­entitled How To Argue Like A Lawyer, it amassed more than a million views by the following day. He now has 12 million followers across social media while continuing his day job as a trial lawyer.

His debut book, The Next ­Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, was published last year and his ultimate aim is not to set out to win every argument and score points but to help people communicate more effectively. ‘I truly believe that a ­better world begins with a better conversation.’

He has been married to his wife Sierra for 14 years and, naturally, everyone wants to know whether he and Sierra – also an attorney – argue. ‘We do, but our arguments are very short. We’re also quick to apologise and quick to forgive.’

Their last squabble was over the placement of a picture frame, which they resolved, he says, ‘by putting it where she wanted it!’

He adds: ‘The question is, “Is this something we have to agree on?” And usually the answer is no. You realise that in about two weeks’ time you really won’t care where the picture frame is.’

But what about the thornier issues that can beset relationships with family, friends and colleagues? Here are Jefferson’s top tips for arguing constructively while keeping your cool in any situation.

Rows with a partner

Arguments with a spouse can be the toughest to negotiate, says ­Jefferson, ‘because these are the people you love the most but who likely know which buttons to push’.

As a rule, he adds: ‘I’m in favour of using questions rather than throwing arrows. Try to remove phrases such as, “you never” or “you always”, as in, “you never do the dishes”, because all you’re doing is adding another argument into the conversation, which leads to, “I never do the dishes? Well, what about last Saturday?” And now you’re totally off on a tangent.’

‘Instead, put the brakes on a fight by asking, “Are we arguing, or is this a conversation?” The other person will always say, “No, we’re just ­having a conversation”, which will calm the situation.’

Jefferson also recommends silence as one of the greatest tools. ‘The power of the pause gives you time to decide what you’re going to say and how you want to respond,’ he says. ‘Even though silence is the absence of words, it’s not the absence of communication.’

Thus, if your partner, says something hurtful, instead of ­lashing out with a similar barb, respond with a nine-second pause. ‘Often, it gives the other person time to hear their words echoing back and, typically, they’ll say something like, “I’m sorry – that went too far.”‘

He is a great advocate of taking time out to marshal one’s thoughts. ‘If it’s something that cannot be resolved quickly, then have the ­conversation tomorrow morning,’ he advises. ‘Time has a way of ­sifting out what’s truly important.’

Handling a toxic boss

When it comes to troublesome bosses, the first step is to lay down boundaries, ‘the earlier the better’, says Jefferson. ‘A boundary is something as simple as telling them what you will and will not accept. Instead of always allowing somebody to push your buttons, get into the habit of communicating with them as if you’re handing them a manual.’

Thus, if a boss says something negative to you, instead of responding with a prickly, ‘You can’t talk to me like that’, reply, ‘I don’t respond to that tone.’ Or even more witheringly: ‘That’s below my ­standard of respect.’

He also has a nifty tool for disarming a boss who you feel is stopping you climbing the ladder.

‘Most likely, they have stuff going on in their life that has caused them to be as terrible as they are,’ he says. ‘So put yourself in the learner mindset. Instead of saying, “I want this role”, which is going to rub them up the wrong way, get them to tell you a story. Ask them, “When you were in my position, what did you find the best course of action for improving your role?” They will gladly tell you and they’ll give you more ­information than if they think you’re just making demands.’

Sometimes, though, a boss is ­simply too horrible to handle. ‘If this is a person who’s never going to promote you and you don’t have a support system with HR, then you are going to be stuck and that’s going to become your world,’ he says. ‘So, why are you there? Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is go somewhere else.’

Office politics

What if your boss is fine but your colleagues are the problem, such as those who always talk over you in meetings? According to Jefferson, just about the worst thing you can say if someone interrupts you is, ‘Excuse me, I was still talking!’

Why? ‘Because you look like you’re desperate, grasping for control,’ he says.

Instead, simply let them interrupt. ‘When they’re done interrupting, just go back to your prior point and keep talking as if they said nothing.

‘If they interrupt again, use their name to get their attention – ­people will always stop to hear their name. And once they stop, you can say something like, “I can’t hear you when you ­interrupt me.”‘

Usually, that will elicit an embarrassed apology, ‘and you’ve earned the right to start controlling the ­conversation,’ says Jefferson.

But if your interlocutor ­continues to bulldoze you into ­submission, hit them with the tart: ‘I’m sorry. Are we having a conversation, or do you just need me to listen?’

And what of office gossips? If a colleague is dragging you down a conversational cul-de-sac you feel uncomfortable entering, try this masterful technique.

‘If somebody brings up gossip about a colleague,’ Jefferson advises, ‘say, “I don’t know. I can ask them?”‘ It will send them scurrying away like a cockroach.

Problem neighbours

Your home should be your ­refuge and, says Jefferson, ­’arguments with neighbours can feel especially personal because home is supposed to be your safe space. When that’s disrupted, it’s unsettling.’ However, he adds, ‘you have to keep in mind they want it to be their safe space, too.’

If your neighbour plays their music too loudly despite requests to stop, Jefferson suggests asking for them to help you both come to a solution.

In practical terms this means saying to your neighbour: ‘You probably think I hate music, which isn’t the case. I love music too, and I want you to be able to enjoy yours. Can you help me find a way where you’re able to listen and I can still have enough quiet to focus on my work?’

The non-confrontational tone should prevent a potentially heated situation from escalating.

But what about us Brits whose preferred method of ­communication is the passive- aggressive dig?

Jefferson advises against it. He says: ‘At its roots, being passive aggressive is not healthy because it is a symptom of ­unresolved issues.

‘If you’re always trying to sweep things under the rug, your floor is going to get bumpy and you’re liable to trip on it later!’

And passive aggression can seep into all kinds of relationships, not just neighbourly ones, where, as every Brit knows, a well-placed ‘with the greatest respect’ ­actually means ‘I think you’re a moron’. Jefferson ­counsels against such double-speak.

‘Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is be as direct as you can be,’ otherwise it’s a disservice to the other person as they’re not getting your true self, ‘and a disservice to you because you’re not being true to your own feelings’.

‘The only one who’s going to be resentful is you’.

Tackling frenemies

How is it best to deal with ­people who are chummy in ­private but won’t think twice about cutting you down in public? ‘First of all, those aren’t the kind of people you need to have in your life,’ says Jefferson.

‘And second of all, if you need to be critical [of them], be critical in private.’ Never argue with a fool in public, he adds, ‘because onlookers won’t know the difference’.

If someone humiliates you in public, respond with the straightforward: ‘Did you mean to embarrass me out there when you said that?’ If it was a genuine mistake, they’ll likely apologise.

‘But if that was exactly what they meant,’ he adds, ‘say thank you and then politely cut them out of your life.’

What if you’re visibly upset by a frenemy’s barbed insults and they retort with an aggrieved: ‘You’re overreacting. It was just a joke’? Jefferson says: ‘I like to respond with, “Then be funnier.”‘

Family feuds

In his book, Jefferson remarks that ‘legal disputes between ­family members are the worst’ and tells the story of a client who wanted to keep the family ­business going, while her sister stubbornly refused.

‘When my client presented ­r­easonable solutions,’ he writes, ‘the other sister would find a way to twist her words and resort to hurtful comments and insults that went back as far as when they were kids.’

Eventually, the combative sister shouted: ‘I’ve never liked you. You’re dead to me.’ Jefferson’s response? ‘I had taught my client to ask the other sister to repeat the mean phrase.’

The sister refused. ‘If somebody says something mean to you and you ask them to repeat it, most don’t. They can’t because they realise their one shot has gone.’

What transpired afterwards was even more surprising. Jefferson’s client calmly stated: ‘I’m getting off this roller coaster. If you want to get off with me, do it now.’

Then she added: ‘And I’ve always loved you.’ Utterly disarmed, her sister started to cry and minutes later, she settled the case.

‘When you respond with ­kindness, you never feel bad about it later,’ says ­Jefferson. ‘Even when somebody says something mean, if you say something grounded – not necessarily positive, but very firm – you never have to carry it weeks later.’

Critical parents

Even when you’re an adult, ­parents have the uncanny ability of making you feel like a six-year-old if they express disapproval of your life choices. So how do you deal with that?

‘It’s tough because it feels ­personal,’ says Jefferson. ‘But your life is yours to live. You can acknowledge their feelings ­without taking them on as your own.

‘For example, “I understand you disagree. I need to make ­decisions that feel right for my life, not yours.” It’s about ­balancing respect with self-respect.’

And how do you set sensible boundaries with your parents? ‘Boundaries with parents can feel tricky because of that ingrained sense of authority,’ Jefferson admits. ‘But boundaries aren’t about disrespect – they’re about clarity. “These are the decisions I’ve made. If that’s something you can’t live with now, I hope one day you will.”

‘It’s firm, it ­reinforces yours as the final say, and it’s direct.’

• The Next Conversation, by Jefferson Fisher, is available now (Penguin Life, £16.99).