All anyone wants is a hot rodent boyfriend

stewart little if he was human and hot pic.twitter.com/abNBC777PM

— dooney and broke (@fincherslay) April 24, 2024

Other examples of hot rodent men include Kieran Culkin, Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Allen White, Logan Lerman, Tom Holland, Tobey Maguire, Matty Healy (the rat from Flushed Away was literally based on him), and Jack Schlossberg (JFK’s grandson, if you’re unfamiliar). Perhaps, in retrospect, Timmy Chalamet is actually more weasel-like than lizard-like too. Many of us have also doubtless had passionate dalliances with ratty-looking Hinge matches.

To confirm: being rodent handsome is not an insult (conversely, I think I have realised throughout the process of writing this piece that my type is actually men who look like rodents). It’s a compliment! Plus, being a sexy rat man can also be more about your general vibe than physical attributes. While there are exceptions – Matty Healy, primarily – often, rodent men are the antithesis of toxic masculinity. Rodent men are the types to buy their girlfriends ridiculously huge bunches of flowers. They are unashamed wife guys who will post photos of their partner’s Met Gala look on grid. 

You might be thinking – are rodent men not the same as golden retriever boyfriends? Travis Kelce – the golden retriever boyfriend du jour – is no stranger to similarly fawning expressions of love for his girlfriend Taylor Swift. But rat men aren’t as… normal as golden retriever men. Most rat men have a little je ne sais quoi about them.

Take Kieran Culkin. There are loads of viral clips of Culkin acting chaotically on the red carpet or in interviews. He ate the hottest wings on Hot Ones without breaking a sweat. He turned up to an interview on the Ellen Show in 2019 wearing a thick stack of 2010s-esque boho bracelets, multi-coloured nail polish, and two rings on each finger on his right hand – and nothing but a watch and his wedding ring on his left hand. He asked Pedro Pascal to be his daddy during a Hollywood Reporter roundtable. Rat men, unlike golden retriever boyfriends, are a little weird – but, vitally, in a sexy, funny way.

Or take Mike Faist. Like Culkin and other rat men, the actor has an aloof attitude towards the press: one clip, which went viral on TikTok, saw him earnestly tell a journalist that if he hadn’t become an actor he would have been “a clown for children’s birthday parties”. Meanwhile, his Challengers co-star O’ Connor has brought up his love for Ratatouille an impressive number of times in interviews. Like pet rabbits, rodent men a lot more intelligent, witty, and self-aware than people give them credit for. They certainly have more going on between their ears and aren’t as mindlessly obedient as golden retriever boyfriends. They can definitely spell “squirrel”, too.

Perhaps rat men have so many intense female fans because they tap into what women really find attractive. They’re flesh-and-blood iterations of men crafted through the female gaze. They’re captivating, funny, interesting, and sensitive. I’m afraid it’s time to take your golden retriever boyfriend to the vet – and trade him in for a hot rat boyfriend.