I’m a tech expert… here’s how to stop a cyberstalker from ruining your life

Dear Kim,

I’ve been cyberstalked for three years. I recently discovered it was my roommate. I moved out and he has launched another attack.

He’s on my and my fiancé’s phones, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth — everything. He has stolen financial data, pictures, erased accounts, taken over emails and harassed me through VOIP. I get disappearing messages. 

My fiancé has had his phone wiped. Texts don’t reach their destination since he’s rerouted our contact phone numbers.

The ex-roommate admitted to sitting outside our house all night – I thought he was spying on me. 

Now I know he was also gaining access to my Wi-Fi. 

Years of my life have been ruled by fear, anger, sadness and confusion. I can’t take it and don’t have the resources to hire someone. I can’t do this anymore and need expert advice/help terribly.

— P.W. in Oklahoma

Dear P.W., 

This is truly awful. Three years of this madness must feel like a lifetime. If you haven’t already, you really, really need to contact the police — for no other reason than to get this officially on the record. Your local police department should have someone you can come in and speak to about all you and your fiance have gone through with this absolute creep.

And if you have and didn’t get any help, I’m sorry for that. Knowing who to turn to in these situations is one of the worst parts. There’s no number to call — and that’s why you have me. I’ve heard from many folks in the same spot over the years.

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is there’s a lot you can do right now to lock this jerk out and stop him from prying into your digital life. The bad news is it’s a lot of work. But I guarantee it’s worth it — and it’s so much better than sitting around wondering what he’s going to do next.

Start with a list 

What accounts, passwords and devices do you believe he has access to? Sit down and make a list of all you can think of.

Check your browser’s saved passwords for inspiration. One by one, sign out of each account on every device, then change your passwords. A password manager will help you generate new, strong passwords that no one could ever guess.

Here’s a list to get you thinking

● Every email account you have

● Banking or other financial sites

● Social media

● Cloud storage, including Apple, Google Drive, Dropbox and online backup accounts

● Online shopping sites

I have steps here to change your password for several major sites, including Amazon, Netflix, Facebook and Spotify.

Swap your router out for a new one 

So many people forget about just how much info someone has if they know the login to your router. Theoretically, they can see what you do online and what devices are connected.

That, in particular, can be dangerous. It allows a stalker to see if you’re home and using the internet from your phone, for example.

You can probably get away with a factory reset, but if your router is older than 2 years, you should replace it anyway.

Change device passcodes  

Don’t forget your phone’s passcode and your computer or tablet’s password. Yes, a stalker needs physical access to get into those devices, but better safe than sorry. 

● On an iPhone with Face ID, go to Settings > Face ID & Passcode. On an iPhone with a Home button, go to Settings > Touch ID & Passcode.

● To change your iCloud password, you’ll have to change your Apple ID password. On your iOS device, go to Settings > [your name] > Password & Security > Change Password.

● On an Android phone, open Settings > Security. Tap Screen lock to change your passcode. Note: If you don’t find screen lock settings under Security, find steps on your phone’s support site or online manual.

● On a Windows PC, go to Start > Settings > Accounts > Sign-in options. Click Password, then Change.

● To change your Mac password, go to step one here.

From security cameras to smart speakers, access to the right account can let someone see or listen to you without your knowledge.

Don’t forget smart devices 

From security cameras to smart speakers, access to the right account can let someone see or listen to you without your knowledge. 

Do this for your security system, smart thermostat, Amazon Alexa account if you have one, smart doorbells, and any other internet-connected devices with their own standalone accounts.

Be a liar 

When you’re close to someone, they know a lot about you. That very well might include where you grew up, your first car, your mom’s maiden name … Yeah, you can see where I’m going.

These are common security questions. Your answers can give someone access to your accounts whether or not you shared them.

Log into sites that contain sensitive personal information, like your bank, medical accounts and financial accounts. Find your security questions in the preferences or account menu and change your answers.

Pro tip: Fudge your new answers. Most of the details in the default security questions are shockingly easy for someone else to find. Go ahead and make up a new one. The caveat, of course, is making sure you remember the lies.

Dear Kim,

I’ve been using a company-issued laptop not just for work but also for personal stuff like Facebook, X, TikTok, shopping, email, looking up medical information and some very private potentially embarrassing things.

I’m starting to wonder what our IT department can actually see on this device. Can they access things like my browsing history or personal files? Is there a law against companies doing this? I’m looking for a straightforward explanation of what they can and cannot see.

I swear the IT guy looks at me strangely like he knows things that can get me in trouble with my wife.

Bill in Phoenix, Arizona

Hi Bill,

I have bad news for you. The IT department can see whatever you’re doing on a company device or network – you’re not being paranoid.

When a company hands you a laptop, you need to be smart and assume they can see everything you do by default.

Act like your boss or spouse is right next to you, seeing what you search for, the sites you visit and the info you type in.

Many companies install ‘bossware’ programs. (More about that in a bit.)

Now, most small and medium-sized businesses will only comb through all the data these programs collect when there is an issue. Larger companies with more money to spend may have it done automatically.

I can’t be sure exactly what your company does — and you likely can’t be, either. (Not-so) fun fact: Only four states require businesses to disclose surveillance like this and get consent from employees. Those states are Connecticut, Delaware, Texas and New York. There is no federal law that requires disclosure.

Still, I’d check out your contract or employee manual. Look for sections on technology and devices.

How far does this type of tracking go? So-called bossware programs allow employers to look into phone call history, text messages, emails and what you’re browsing on the internet. The latest and greatest systems enable companies to do much more.

Act as if your employer can see everything

● The websites you visit, including how often and for how long.

● The files you download.

● The emails you send and receive, including attachments.

● Messages you send on a messaging service like Slack, Google Chat or Microsoft Teams.

● When you move, access, change or delete shared files.

● The programs you use and for how long.

● Your physical location that’s based on the IP address of your device.

In extreme cases, tracking goes even deeper to include:

● Your every keystroke — yes, including passwords.

● Your webcam footage.

So, what should you do now? Time for a digital cleanup.

● Wipe your history: It’s good practice to clean your browser history regularly — but this doesn’t stop your IT department from seeing what you’ve accessed.

● Sign out of all your personal accounts: Don’t use your email on your work desktop or laptop, period. The same goes for a company-provided phone. I know carrying two of everything is annoying, but it’s worth it for your privacy. Most of us don’t stop to consider that everything we’re giving away when we open up access to our personal accounts.

● Remove your saved passwords: Did you get lazy and save them to your browser or company password manager? Comb through and remove anything tied to your personal life. If you used a browser, go into the Settings and look for Passwords.

Word to the wise: If you use a Mac for work, do not sign in with your personal iCloud. When it syncs, all the photos and files from your account are synced to that machine.