DEAR JANE: I had a horrifying encounter with my cousin at a spa – how can I ever face him again?

Dear Jane,

This is extremely uncomfortable to even write about but I’m hoping desperately that you can help me through this situation that I’m dealing with.

Over the holidays, my cousin, who is a professional masseuse, gifted myself and various members of our family gift cards to the spa where he works to use as we pleased. To be honest I kind of forgot about mine until recently when a day of moving around boxes in our garage left me feeling more than a little stiff and sore.

My husband reminded me about the voucher and I literally raced (well, crawled) to book in for a massage. But when I turned up at the spa, the woman at the front desk told me that there had been a mix-up and that the only person available to do my massage was… my cousin.

Desperate for something to relieve the pain, I agreed to let him work on my back, even though it felt a bit awkward, and in the end the massage was great – my cousin was the ultimate professional. 

Afterwards I enjoyed the sauna and the pool at the spa for a few hours which was the perfect way to relax. Clearly I overstayed my welcome though because by the time I made my way back to the changing rooms, pretty much everyone had vanished.

Which is no doubt why, when I walked into the changing room and caught my married cousin in an… intimate situation with his receptionist, they both seemed pretty shocked to see me.

They both immediately began making excuses – ‘it’s the first time,’ ‘this has never happened before,’ etc. etc. – before high-tailing it out of there to allow me to change. 

After I got home, I had about 16 missed calls from my cousin, all of which I ignored. It’s been a week or so now and he keeps messaging me and phoning me, begging me not to tell his wife, insisting that there’s nothing going on. Every excuse under the sun.

I have no idea what to do here. I love my cousin’s wife and they have children together… I don’t want to betray him, but equally can’t stand the thought of leaving her completely clueless.

Whose trust do I destroy?

From,

Serious Tension

Dear Serious Tension,

It’s a terrible thing, to have stumbled onto a secret that now makes you complicit in someone else’s infidelity. 

The weight of secrets can be heavy indeed, and will always get in the way of true friendships, even when they are first cousins.

The messenger does, and usually will, get shot. 

I feel terrible saying that, because when you have a strong ethical core and know someone you love is being betrayed, you want to do the right thing and tell them. 

Why do we tell them? We want to protect them, we want to stop them getting hurt, and yet there we are, telling them the one thing that may be about to destroy their lives.

Nor can you force your cousin to tell her. 

I think you ought to do nothing, for other people’s behavior is really none of our business. We never know the full story, and perhaps your cousin’s version is true – that it had never happened before. 

Either way, I’m not sure it has anything to do with you, as difficult as it may be to keep quiet.

But whatever you decide to do, I would urge you to think of the following words: make the choice that creates the least harm to all concerned.