I left my girlfriend after she gave birth to our disabled baby – then I refused to go to my own child’s funeral

A man has sparked fierce debate by revealing he left his girlfriend after she gave birth to their disabled baby – and then refused to go to his own child’s funeral.

The unnamed man, from the US, took to Reddit’s popular Am I The A**hole thread to candidly detail his decisions.

He confessed that he had ‘begged’ his girlfriend to terminate the pregnancy but ended up walking away from her and the child when she refused.

Readers were left bitterly divided in the comments – but what do you think? 

In the post, which was shared earlier this week, the man began by discussing his childhood.

‘I grew up in a home with a disabled brother. All of my parents’ money and attention went to him. They pretty much forgot that I existed. All of our family activities were predicated on my brother’s ability to participate,’ he shared.

‘I did not qualify for financial aid. I was not a great student and honestly attending college would have been a waste of money. 

‘Instead my grandfather helped me get a job on the oil rigs. It is hard, dirty, lonely work. But it pays very well. I started as a floor hand apprentice. It is basically the lowest of the low.

‘I did not cut off my family but I did not go out of my way to stay in contact. I was working in another state and they did not have time for me anyway.’

The exasperated father continued: ‘I got a call about ten years later. My little brother had passed away. I went to the funeral and my folks looked about 25 years older.

‘It was good to see them but I left pretty quickly afterwards. It is hard to explain but I never really got attached to them since they had ignored me since I was five. I was never abused or anything. I was just sort of a second thought.

‘When my girlfriend got pregnant I was happy. We had been together for three years and I was happy with her. I hope I was making her happy. We talked about it and we decided to get all the tests so we could know if we were going to have a healthy baby.

‘Before the first test we agreed that if we were not having a healthy baby then we were not having a baby. I know it is a horrible thing to contemplate but I had been through that life for thirteen years and I was free of it with no interest in going back.’

But things only got worse when the parents-to-be received test results for their newborn.

‘One of the tests came back positive for one of the conditions that we had decided we would not want in a child. Please understand that I am not in any way saying that people with disabilities should not be born. 

‘Only that I knew I would not want to be around for that. We had second, third, and even a fourth opinion. I spent a lot of my savings on tests that insurance would not cover in full. It was not a not great time.

‘Then my girlfriend said that she changed her mind. That she could not terminate. I argued with her for days, weeks, until it was too late. I told her that I would not choose to be around to help with the child. That I would pay child support but that was it.’

He candidly revealed: ‘Our relationship was on cruise control from then until the baby was born. I made sure she got home safe from the hospital and then I went to work. And I never went back. 

‘I pay the child support that I was ordered to pay by court. I did not fight it or dodge it. But I have not seen her or her child since the hospital. I got married three years later. We are expecting our first child and I heard from my ex. 

‘The child had passed away. She wanted me to come to the funeral. I said no. I knew it was coming. It was still a gut punch. My parents are upset with me for how I handled things.

‘They went to the funeral. I told them that I did not want the life they had lived while my brother was alive. And that my ex had tried to force me into it after agreeing not to. They said that they were disappointed that they had not raised me right.’

The unnamed man then explained how this had led to a heated conflict in the family.

‘I got angry and said that they had not raised me at all. I asked them to show me anything they had from my childhood that showed that they had taken the slightest interest in me.

‘They said that wasn’t fair because they had to care for my brother. I just said that was my point and hung up.

‘I feel like sh** about the whole thing but my ex knew how I felt and why. To this day I do not understand why she changed her mind.

‘My wife and I talked before getting married and made the same decision. And thank god we did not have to make it. But she understood how I felt. Her mom and dad talked to us about it and they told us that we had to do what was best for us.

‘I had told them everything about my past that was relevant to my relationship with their daughter.’

He concluded: ‘Sorry for rambling but I guess I am just trying to put all my thoughts down while I have the courage to ask. Am I The A**hole?’

The Reddit user provided further context in the comments as he shared: ‘My brother had something completely unrelated to what my first child had. My brother’s condition is passed through the mother. So I could not pass it on.

‘My parents didn’t know my brother was going to be born like that. They loved him, but it broke them. They wanted like five kids. They got two.

‘Now, one is dead, and one doesn’t want much to do with them. I didn’t want that for my life. We have technology and medicine. 

‘I have spent I don’t know how much money on genetic testing. Lucky me, I guess, that my ex and I managed to hit the suck jackpot.

‘I wouldn’t put myself, or more importantly, my kid through that. At least I did want to, until she forced that in me.’

He continued: ‘I am not in therapy. And yes, I asked her to please stick with our agreement. I begged – like literally begged her not to do it. 

‘I’m angry about the choice my ex made. Not because of the time or the money. But because she knowingly brought a life into this s***ty world, so she could watch him suffer for three years and then die. 

‘I can’t say that to her. I can’t show up at the funeral, and yell at her that she was selfish. If I am ever in the condition that poor kid was in, I would hope one of my cousins helps me leave. 

‘Pain for three years, and not having the mental capacity to understand why there is pain. I f***ing thought about that poor kid so much, I couldn’t sleep. I almost ended up [being an] inpatient from not sleeping.’

The Reddit post was soon flooded with comments.

On the one hand, many argued that he was in the wrong as someone wrote: ‘YTA, and a selfish one at that. Everything is your original post. It just screams “me, me, me.” Please get a vasectomy.’

A second person commented: ‘YTA. What if the disability had been discovered after birth? It’s always a risk when you have a child. 

‘And you can never agree 100 per cent about what you would do in a situation like this before you live it.  

‘The truth is that the mother feels a connection with the child before birth. You can feel like you’re not able to get an abortion, even though before you thought you would. 

‘You can never know how you’ll react when you’re pregnant. So even though I do feel some empathy for what you went through, YTA definitely.’

Another added: ‘Yes, YTA. You need to get over yourself. You are so entitled. You have no empathy. You can’t just abandon a kid because it will be harder than you wanted. 

‘You could’ve gone to the funeral to just be a decent human being, but you didn’t. You’re an entitled cry baby and what you wrote here paints you as an enormous a***hole.’

But, on the other hand, there were those who came to the man’s defense. 

One wrote: ‘NTA. You are not a bad person for wanting an abortion in your situation. You are also not a monster for leaving either. 

‘Not everyone can sacrifice like your parents did, and you know first hand what that means, and what it does to any other children in the household. I always felt the same way. Forgive yourself – you have sacrificed enough.’

Another wrote: ‘This is definitely a NAH situation. Ex had a right to change her mind, you had a right not to. This is just a heavy situation.’

Someone else shared: ‘I am a home health nurse. I’ve seen this happen. The family is tied down to the disabled child. 

‘The lives of the other kids are ruined. I understand where you are coming from.’