A woman revealed her husband left her ‘alone and starving’ during a traumatic labour, saying she felt abandoned.
Taking to Mumsnet, the British woman explained how she she still feels deeply let down by her usually ‘sweet and supportive’ husband, after he left her alone multiple times during her labour and postnatal recovery.
The woman, who had just welcomed their first child via induction, opened up about her ‘hurt and disappointment’ over her husband’s behaviour during one of the most vulnerable periods of her life.
She admitted she ‘can’t move past’ the way he acted during the birth of their son and it’s started to erode the trust in their relationship.
After leaving her while she was in labour twice, once to feed the cat and another time to go home to ‘shower and nap’ she felt abandoned in her time of need.
She explained: ‘He also left me to go home (a 25-30 min drive) at two points when I was in labour, even though there was no real need for him to go.
‘One of the times was to feed our cat (this was after we’d been at the hospital for about three hours, she’d been fed before we left, and my mum had agreed to feed her for us while we were there) and the other time was to have a shower and a nap.
‘Even when I was contracting and in loads of pain he didn’t do any of the things I thought he might (no passing me my bottle to take sips of water, no hand holding, no rubbing my back).’
Taking to Mumsnet, a British woman revealed her husband left her ‘alone and starving’ during a traumatic labour so he could go home and nap- saying she felt abandoned (stock image)
Even after she’d endured a forceps delivery, episiotomy, and lost nearly two litres of blood, her husband still failed to show up early the next morning- despite her desperate plea for him to return as soon as visiting hours allowed.
‘DS wouldn’t settle the whole night except on my chest, so I didn’t get any sleep, and all I’d eaten in about 36 hours was the post birth toast, so I was completely starving hungry.
‘I also had a catheter in still and I was sore from the delivery and dizzy from the blood loss, and I couldn’t put the baby down because he would just cry, so I was kind of hobbling around and trying to rummage through the hospital bags one handed so I could find the stuff change the baby, and I couldn’t find any of the snacks I’d packed.
‘It sounds pathetic but I remember kind of counting down the hours until 8am, but when 8am came DH didn’t come, and I remember hearing all the other partners arriving and still being on my own.
‘The midwife looking after me asked where he was and I remember kind of brushing it off ‘oh he’ll be here soon’ but he wasn’t. It probably sounds like I’m being precious but I just felt abandoned.
‘We’ve spoken about it since and he says he was cleaning the house to make it nice for when I got home, so he was trying to do something nice but that isn’t what I wanted from him in that moment, I wanted him to be there with me.’
When he eventually arrived around midday, the window for breakfast had passed, and her request for food and coffee from the hospital Costa was forgotten, so she had the hospital lunch instead.
She added: ‘On the last night before we could finally go home I asked him to please please come in for 8am, and he looked at his watch and said oh but I won’t be in bed until nearly midnight now, 8am is a bit early.
The woman explained how she she still feels deeply let down by her usually ‘sweet and supportive’ husband, after he left her alone multiple times during her labour and postnatal recovery
Many rushed to the comments and were fuming with her husbands behaviour during her labour
‘While I was lying there having had a baby, a post partum haemorrhage, and about six hours of sleep in snippets over five days (genuinely not even exaggerating.
‘I barely slept to the point the midwives kept mentioning they’d never seen me asleep and they offered to take the baby for me so I could have an hour or two, but between the cluster feeding and everything going on that never happened).’
She concluded: ‘We’ve spoken about it all a few times since, and I feel like he’s fed up of me bringing it up, and I don’t want to go on and on about it but I feel like he just abandoned me when I was really vulnerable and it’s eroded some of the trust between us.’
Many rushed to the comments and were fuming with her husbands behaviour during her labour.
One person said: ‘How is he still alive?! How could he do that to you? What an a*****. You deserve better than this. Don’t let him forget or believe his b****** excuses.’
Another added: ‘He’s a c***. None of those excuses wash. It’s not difficult to hear someone’s needs and adhere to them. Sorry OP.’
Someone else added: ‘Sorry, but what sane person goes home during labour? And to feed a cat ffs! Is he mad?
‘My ex was not supportive or helpful at all, but even he didn’t wander off between contractions.
‘You’re right about trust. You’ve learned that he can’t be relied on. That he is selfish and thoughtless and doesn’t listen to your needs when it really matters (ie in labour). That his eight hours sleep comes before anything you or the baby might need.
Meanwhile others played the devil’s advocate and were a bit more understanding of the husband’s point of view
‘If he’s apologised then you need to move on because there is no alternative if you want to stay together. But in future I’d be really specific and forceful about the support you expect with his child.’
A fourth added: ‘I think his behaviour was poor and that you are not overreacting. You were at one of the most vulnerable points in your life & he let you down so I understand the feeling of losing some trust plus I would also feel a bit resentful too.
‘Be careful going forward that he isn’t one of those men who sees dealing with the baby, then child, as something for you to mainly deal with while his life pretty much continues as it always has. His behaviour, particularly the comment about sleep, smacks of that.
‘I think the fact you feel you have been going on about the issue too much says that he hasn’t really heard you or understood how you feel about what happened.
‘Make sure that you are clear that from now on it’s a 50/50 thing in terms of caring for the baby, night feeds etc & that you absolutely need him to step up & do his bit.
‘Congratulations on the birth of your new baby x’
Another added: ‘When it comes down to the real nitty gritty, he’s not supportive. He failed you in numerous little ways that added up when it really mattered. He couldn’t get your bag, he couldn’t bring you food, but he could go home and feed the cat and allegedly clean.
‘There’s not much you can do about it now. He broke the trust you had that he would be a strong support when you needed it and this might just be who he is. It seems like you’re holding resentment over that. Be honest with him.
‘This might even be worth going to marriage counseling over because it doesn’t seem like he gets that he failed you and you resent him for that. Resentment can be a marriage killer.’
Meanwhile others played the devil’s advocate and were a bit more understanding of the husband’s point of view.
One person said: ‘None of the labour stuff sounds particularly bad to me (except going home for a nap seems risky!) but the postpartum stuff is a bit s***.
‘He should have wanted to be there for 8am! Postpartum wards are awful, no one ever gets any sleep.
‘What do you need from him to move forward? You say you’ve spoken about it a few times already so he probably feels like you’re beating him down with it.
‘Has he apologised? How has he been since? There isn’t much to be gained from going round in circles.’
Another added: ‘Sorry but it doesn’t sound that bad to me. I don’t mean to be unkind, but he is who he is – I don’t suppose he miraculously changed personality when you gave birth.
‘My dd’s dad was worse than this during the labour/birth/immediate postnatal period. And we aren’t together now. But he is a good father and l do still actually like and trust him. We are just different people.
‘You are absolutely within your rights to decide you don’t want to be with your husband anymore now you have seen this side to him .
‘But I don’t think it’s that awful, so if everything else has always been great, and if you still love him, I would probably cut him some slack and try to work or out.’
Someone else added: ‘If it helps, I do think that this comes under the banner of “Normal and common human failing.”
‘I don’t think it’s the marriage-ending disaster and indictor of bad character that many others seem to on here, especially as he sounds like a great partner in all other ways.
‘This is a learning opportunity for him to do exactly as he’s asked if you are out of action. Tell him that.
‘Say the clean house is great and all, but it was not at all what you needed that morning. What you needed was for him to show up at eight with nice coffee and two pain au chocolat (I may be projecting with that last one!).
‘And next time, can he please listen to exactly what you want and then do it. Ask him how he’d like it if he was ill in hospital and he wanted a particular food, and instead of doing that, you took his car to be valeted?’
The woman added: ‘Wow this got a lot more responses than I expected. I really value all the different perspectives so thank you! I’m so sorry that other people have had similar experiences.
‘Ultimately he is, hand on heart, a really good supportive partner, which is why I was so surprised at how he behaved.
‘I think a lot of it was genuine thoughtlessness rather than malice, and some of it was probably him struggling a bit with the huge life change when you have a baby.
‘We’ve discussed it and while he does acknowledge that he let me down in the early days, he just kind of says that he can’t change it now and it’s in the past etc, which isn’t massively helpful when a) I would like more babies and b) what if I end up needing major surgery or months of chemo or something like that over the course of our life together, how do I know it wouldn’t happen again?
‘I don’t want to keep rehashing it but I don’t want to it to be this huge source of resentment. I just wish he understood why I was upset and that I could believe that it won’t happen again.’
