I promised to leave the house to both of my kids – but one has helped me more. Can I change my will without causing a family rift?

Dear Vanessa,

I’m 64 and a widow. My husband passed away five years ago, and since then I’ve been dealing with chronic health issues. I have two adult children, a son and a daughter. Years ago, I told them I’d leave my house to be split evenly between them when I pass.

But I have a problem. My daughter has been by my side constantly. She lives nearby, takes me to appointments, helps around the house, and checks up on me daily. She’s also struggling financially – she’s renting, working part-time, and raising two kids on her own.

My son, on the other hand, lives interstate and has a well-paid job. He and his wife have a mortgage, but they’re financially comfortable and managing well. While I know he loves me, we only see each other once or twice a year, and he hasn’t been able to help in the same way my daughter has.

I’m starting to feel like it isn’t fair to treat them the same when my daughter has given up so much of her time to care for me – while also juggling kids and money worries –  and my son is financially secure. 

But I worry about breaking a promise I made years ago, and about causing a family rift after I’m gone.

Am I being unfair to even consider changing my will?

Marjory.

Dear Marjory,

This is one of those heart-wrenching situations where there’s no ‘perfectly fair’ answer. On one hand, you made a promise years ago. On the other, life has shifted: you’ve had chronic health struggles, and your daughter has stepped up, despite raising two children of her own and managing on a tight budget. It’s natural to feel she deserves recognition.

The difference between equal and fair is what you’re grappling with. Equal means splitting the estate 50/50. Fair might mean acknowledging your daughter’s sacrifices and her greater financial need. Your son has a mortgage, yes, but he also has the security of a strong income. Your daughter is renting with kids – her position is far more vulnerable.

That said, the way you handle this is just as important as the decision itself. If you quietly change your will, there’s a high risk of bitterness later. If you talk to both children now, you can explain that this is not about favouritism, but about gratitude for care given, and compassion for the different circumstances they’re in.

You might choose to adjust your will so your daughter receives a larger share of the house, while still leaving your son something substantial. Or you could keep things equal in the will but support your daughter while you’re alive – helping with rent, education costs for the kids, or even a lump-sum gift.

What matters most is that you make a choice that lets you feel at peace, and that you communicate it openly. Your children may not like it, but they’ll have the chance to hear it directly from you, rather than being blindsided later.

Good luck with a difficult but necessary conversation.

Vanessa.

If you’d like to see more on the big issue of inheritance, watch the trailer for Vanessa’s new show, where inheritance is one of the hot topics we dig into.