A famous friend stole my man! It’s more common than you think. Here’s how to spot a ‘mate poacher’… before she strikes: JANA HOCKING
It was Saturday night and I was in an Uber with a friend on the way to party, wearing a new silvery, body-hugging dress and feeling confident.
I was being introduced to a man (a recent divorcee) who – I had been assured – was ‘perfect for me’.
I was absolutely buzzing.
Suddenly, my friend – a well-known journalist, then in her own relationship – pulled a face like she was about to deliver terrible news.
‘Yes, about that… I’m actually feeling a bit jealous,’ she said about my promising set-up.
‘Would it be okay if you didn’t go there tonight?’ she asked.
I was gobsmacked and mumbled a half-hearted ‘okay?’ She explained that she was having problems with her boyfriend and ‘could really do with a bit of a flirt.’
I shouldn’t ruin my night over a guy I hadn’t even met yet, I rationalized to myself. That was… until I met him.
I was gobsmacked and mumbled a half-hearted ‘okay?’ She explained that she was having problems with her boyfriend and ‘could really do with a bit of a flirt’
Suddenly, my friend – a well-known journalist, then in her own relationship – pulled a face like she was about to deliver terrible news
Dammit, he was hot: big broad shoulders, a deep manly voice, a cheeky smile and serious CEO vibes. He was the perfect man for me. Sigh.
My friend (now former) wasted no time swooping in. In fact, she practically launched herself at him. Hair flicks, arm brushes, big fake laughs. It was like watching a National Geographic documentary on the mating rituals of an exotic bird.
Look, I’ll admit it, she’s stunning: 5ft10, with the kind of fake boobs that deserve their own Instagram account. Heck, even I would have been tempted if she batted her lashes at me.
Really, I didn’t stand a chance. So, I poured myself a drink and attempted to enjoy the party. Only later did I realize that this was just my first encounter in the wild with a vicious mate poacher.
‘Mate poaching’ is the designation that psychologists have given to the practice of deliberately pursing someone else’s love interest. And it has become disturbingly common – among both women and men.
Psychologist Shahida Arabi explains that mate poachers are rarely motivated by love or lust. They are driven by envy, competition and a need to ‘win’ that provides an ego boost.
Surely, social media and dating apps – which have many of us constantly comparing ourselves to others – has exacerbated the phenomenon.
According to Arabi, bestselling-author of the book Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare, poachers typically display the Dark Triad – a cluster of three distinct but related personality traits: narcissism (grandiose sense of self), Machiavellianism (manipulative approach to relationships) and psychopathy (antisocial behavior).
‘Mate poaching’ is the designation that psychologists have given to the practice of deliberately pursing someone else’s love interest
I didn’t stand a chance. So, I poured myself a drink and attempted to enjoy the party. Only later did I realize that this was my first encounter in the wild with a vicious mate poacher
The morning after the party, another friend – the one who had attempted to set me up – rang me fuming: ‘What the hell happened? He said he tried to talk to you, but you weren’t interested!’
I explained the fiasco and we had a good rant. So, determined to right a wrong, my lovely friend threw another party a few weeks later, deliberately leaving the ‘shikari’ off the guest list.
She seated me right next to Dreamy CEO Guy and sparks flew. We ended up dating for a couple of months and it was wonderful – though not perfect.
My busy travel schedule and his messy custody schedule made things complicated. Then the two-headed vulture swooped in again – claws out.
The very next time the three of us were at a party, she glued herself to him the entire night. I, in a less-than-glorious moment, drank too much and stormed out like a teenage drama queen.
Fast forward and once again Dreamy CEO Guy and I have reconciled and we’re at another dinner with the blonde bird of prey, still with her boyfriend, and her eyes on the prize. My prize.
A mutual friend later told me that she admitted having set her sights on my date: ‘I kinda want to make out with him,’ the poacher admitted, after a few Chardonnays.
‘Girl, he’s here with Jana,’ came the reply.
‘I know, but I want him.’
And that’s when it clicked. She’s a psycho – it was textbook ‘mate poaching’.
The dramatic jealousy confession in the Uber, the cycle of flirting and ghosting, the repeated attempts to sabotage my relationship… it all tracks.
So, if you’ve ever had a so-called friend swoop in on your crush, don’t dismiss it as bad manners. Science says it could be a sign of something darker.
