Constance Hall, your feral husband Denim gone too far. If you won’t listen to me, perhaps you’ll listen to your outraged inner circle: AMANDA GOFF

I could have gladly spent the rest of my days never giving Constance Hall and her perpetually calamitous life a second thought.

Yes, I had a crack a few months ago – only because you insisted on airing your dirty laundry for the millionth time and I couldn’t hold my tongue.

Then came your 12-minute Facebook spray about what a terrible person I am, and I decided you were far more effort than you were worth.

And then, I was innocently minding my own business this week when, out of nowhere – kapow – I was sucked straight back into the Connie Cinematic Universe of Chaos. 

I received a flood of DMs alerting me to another mammoth Constance rant about her straggly-haired hippie husband Denim ‘Denz’ Cooke – the same man I had oh-so-gently told her to give the flick back in March.

Before getting into Denim’s latest disaster – and, reader, this one really is a doozy – she admitted that she was reluctant to go public because of… little old me.

‘I hesitated to write [this] because of people like that Samantha X calling my marriage a mess or whatever she said but f*** her.’

Charming! Thanks for the shout-out. But first, let’s get one thing straight, Connie.

Yes, I wrote about your relationship, but only because I was concerned – like many of your 1.2 million followers. By your own admission, you said your marriage had ‘fallen apart’ and Denz had to ‘go away for a while’ to sleep on his mate’s sofa again.

You said he had ‘an overinflated ego’ and his sense of importance turned him into the ‘Wolf of Wall Street’. In your own words, Connie, you wrote: ‘Our s*** needs to get together pronto.’

Remember: this is a couple with children. A big blended family. Not two teenagers.

I really can’t stress this enough, Constance: This. Isn’t. Normal. Behaviour. 

Shoot the messenger, if you want. But all I did was point out the bleeding obvious – you’re living with, and exposing seven kids to, a man who not only needs to ‘get his s*** together’, but who in 2022 narrowly avoided jail for driving with meth in his system, on a disqualified licence, with an unrestrained child in the front seat.

But never mind that. I’m the villain here. Right-o.

You posted your video response and I copped it on the chin. The response wasn’t even that bad – clearly your followers aren’t quite the barmy army of clowns who seem to materialise whenever Abbie Chatfield is criticised.

And if I genuinely upset you, I apologise, sort of. Sister to sister, ‘Queen’ to ‘Queen’, I wrote only out of concern. I’ve been in toxic relationships before and I know how easy it is to get sucked into someone else’s chaos and slowly start treating abnormal behaviour as if it’s normal. I sincerely wished you the best.

Until this week. 

Denz has f***ed up again and now my name’s being dragged into it. And while this is something I would never normally do, I might drop a trigger warning here, because what Constance accuses her husband of doing is really, deeply grim. 

Recently, Constance rescued a Rainbow Lorikeet she named Patrick, who, through either disease or a fight, had no feathers. Being a bird lover, she cared for him by keeping him in a cage, feeding him and looking after him in the hope a little TLC would get him better.

According to Constance, Denim made ‘off-handed comments about killing him’, saying they’re pests, kinder to kill than keep alive and so on. Constance, on the other hand, wanted to give Patrick a chance.

I would do exactly the same. I love all animals – far more than most humans. I even avoid stepping on ants if I can.

But here comes the nasty part you probably saw coming. Constance went out last Thursday, leaving Denz to look after the kids and Patrick. Ten minutes later, her daughter Billie called her in tears, saying that Denim went to change Patrick’s water, but killed him instead.

Denz waited until his wife had left the house, then he went to the bird cage, got out her beloved rescue bird and killed it.

I am blown away.

Constance… He. Killed. Your. Bird.

How, I dread to think, and why? Well, by his own apparent admission, he didn’t like it very much, thought it would cost money, and so he killed it. Against his wife’s wishes.

And Constance, this is where I stop finding this remotely funny, endearing, chaotic or Queen-like. This isn’t about whether Rainbow Lorikeets are pests, whether Patrick was sick, whether he would have survived, or whether a vet would have suggested euthanasia anyway. Nor is it about whether Denim is a ‘farm boy’, as he claims, or whether his behaviour is affected by the brain injury he sustained from a motorcycle accident a few years ago.

It’s about the fact that, according to your own account, you explicitly wanted that bird kept alive. He knew it, waited until you had left the house and killed it anyway.

I am disgusted.

This wasn’t a little disagreement over wildlife management. This is a man – who, I’m just going to say it, is already as toxic as hell – deciding that what you wanted didn’t matter. A man who could easily kill a living creature you were nursing back to health.

And even worse, your children were there.

Billie was so distressed by what happened – she called you crying – and yet you’re still making excuses for him. Despite how betrayed you felt, you waxed lyrical about how you and Denz are ‘really compatible physically, even emotionally… he’s like a stone for me to nestle my feet under’, and that he ‘grounds’ you.

Only now you suspect that, in light of his bird-killing, you no longer believe you’re ‘spiritually compatible’. Well, no s***.

Constance wrote that when she confronted him, he denied doing anything wrong before eventually admitting he killed Patrick because he would cost money and was a pest.

I am lost for words. Really, I am. I’m horrified – and it takes a lot to shock me.

Even if Patrick needed airlifting to a private clinic in Switzerland to the tune of $100,000, Denim still wouldn’t have the right to deliberately kill an animal you were caring for.

And judging by the hundreds of horrified comments underneath your post, I’m not the only person troubled by this. In fact, Constance, your own followers – the same loyal army who previously always came to Denz’s defence despite the fact he is an obvious dropkick – appear to be exhausted by him now.

Don’t believe me? Here are some of their comments:

‘This is the reddest of red flags…’ ‘I would have no trust or respect left in the man after he did something like that…’ ‘I’d be gone as fast as I could get out…’ ‘I feel sad for you,’ ‘If he was your daughter’s boyfriend, what would you tell her?…’ ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’

We aren’t telling you this because we hate you or want to see you suffer, but because the pattern you keep documenting publicly is becoming profoundly worrying and impossible to ignore.

Drug-driving. Chaos. Moving-out. Trial separations. Public blow-ups. And now this, the killing of Patrick, the bird you were trying to love back to health.

You can’t keep posting chapter after chapter of the ‘Disastrous Adventures of Dumbo’ – and now ‘Bird-Killer Denz’ – and expect us all to support this mad relationship.

And before you reach for Facebook and a microphone to record another 12-minute rant about what a b**** I am, please know this: I don’t dislike you. Quite the opposite, I think you’re hilarious, infuriating and probably quite fun after a few wines.

In the early days, I supported you being an outspoken ‘Queen’, fiercely independent and unapologetic. But not anymore.

Forget Samantha X, forget Facebook feuds, forget me entirely, Connie. Think about yourself and your children. Stop defending him. Stop explaining him.

It’s time to fly away from this chaos and get rid of this loser. For good.