How posh is YOUR wedding? From the seating plans to the dress, how to tell if high society approves

When it comes to weddings, being posh isn’t necessarily about spending the most money.

In fact, the truly upper-class approach is often about the opposite: restraint, tradition, discretion and, whisper it, not being too American.

Over the past decade, a host of American wedding traditions have crept into British ceremonies, from starting later in the day, when the upper classes traditionally favour a morning wedding, to men swapping the morning suit for the tuxedo.

Shock, horror!

But if you really want to understand the rules of a truly posh wedding, there is no better place to look than inside the royal goldfish bowl.

From Pippa Middleton’s decision to separate couples at her wedding, reportedly putting Meghan Markle’s nose out of joint, to Princess Anne’s wonderfully no-fuss second marriage, complete with a simple dress and black shoes, the royals offer a fascinating masterclass in what is posh and what is decidedly tosh.

Now our etiquette expert lifts the lid on the rules of a truly royal wedding and reveals who gets a thumbs-up and who gets a very un-posh red card.

1. DON’T MAKE A FUSS

When it comes to being properly posh, less really can be more.

Just ask Princess Anne, who understood the assignment for her second wedding to Tim Laurence in 1992.

The Princess welcomed just 30 guests to Crathie Kirk and wore a simple cream cocktail dress with black shoes.

In doing so, Anne demonstrated the ultimate upper-class confidence: she didn’t need to advertise her status with a gigantic spectacle.

Former royal butler to the late Queen Elizabeth II Julius F Smith, founder of Regal Afternoon Tea, says Anne’s second wedding was steeped in high-class restraint.

‘I always think that a second marriage should be low-key. You’re not making a fuss and I think upper-class people would raise an eyebrow if you wanted to make a second wedding as big as your first wedding.’

‘Also, only 30 guests came, and those are the special people that she really wanted to spend the day with.’

Posh points: 5/5

2. TRADITION IS THE NAME OF THE GAME

Nothing says old money quite like wearing your grandmother’s wedding dress.

Princess Beatrice did exactly that when she married Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi at Windsor in 2020, wearing the Queen’s Norman Hartnell dress, lent to her by her grandmother.

Rather than opting for something new and Instagrammable, Beatrice chose family history and showed that true luxury can be about what you inherit, not what you buy.

‘I think it’s a lovely thing to pass something down through the generations, says Julius F Smith. It demonstrates upper-class thrift and it’s also quite romantic and unflashy.

Posh points: 5/5

3. KNOW WHEN TO KEEP THE PARTY GOING- AND WHEN TO STOP

There is a school of thought that truly posh British etiquette is to have the magnificent wedding and then let everyone go home.

But Princess Eugenie went for the fairground.

The younger sister of Princess Beatrice showed more American leanings when her wedding celebrations continued into a second day, complete with a carnival and fairground theme.

Vanity Fair reported carnival games and lavish entertainment, but our etiquette expert thought it was a step too far.

‘This was flash and attention-grabbing, which does mark a departure from understated upper-class values,’ says Julius F Smith.

‘I think you do the traditional thing and then the next day after the wedding, people just want to relax. A whole fairground theme is quite crass, really.’

Posh points: 1/5

4. SEPARATE THE COUPLES

Meghan Markle met the Middleton’s for the first time when she arrived as Prince Harry’s plus-one at Pippa Middleton’s classic country wedding in 2017.

And it wasn’t just the cold British weather that may have put the Duchess out of her comfort zone.

Pippa followed the old aristocratic tradition of seating couples apart at dinner unlike the American custom of placing husbands and wives together.

According to Julius F Smith, however, separating couples is not only the proper way to do it, but encourages guests to mingle.

‘Splitting couples up is definitely the right thing to do because then you get to meet other people,’ he says.

‘The trouble is, if you get a couple who are a bit insular, they just end up talking to each other all day and that’s no good.

‘So, you can have a good chat and meet new people, then with your partner you can discuss how it all went.’

And the former royal butler says Pippa had the wedding so many people aspire to.

‘Pippa had a lot to live up to because she almost stole the limelight from her sister Kate on her wedding day.

‘But her wedding was what people in England think of as the fairytale wedding. She married a very wealthy man, beautiful church, everything is beautiful, all the guests beautifully dressed and no doubt a stunning reception with excellent food.

‘I think that’s what everybody would love to do if they could.’

Posh points: 5/5

5. DON’T CONFUSE CELEBRITY WITH STATUS

Meghan Markle’s 2018 wedding to Prince Harry was the ultimate collision between royal tradition and Hollywood celebrity culture.

There was the grand Givenchy gown, the lavish setting and a guest list packed with A-listers, including George and Amal Clooney and Oprah Winfrey.

But, according to Julius F Smith, celebrity alone does not necessarily equal status.

‘Visually, Meghan and Harry’s wedding looked stunning, but it did unravel because I don’t think it stood the test of time,’ he says.

‘Mainly because a lot of the A-listers in attendance didn’t know why they were there, which is almost desperate.’

He adds: ‘I think perhaps Meghan thought she could ingratiate herself with the great and good of Hollywood, but she forgot that many of them know the side their bread is buttered on and didn’t want to fall out of favour with the Crown. It’s all very sad.’

Posh points: 3/5

6. NEVER, EVER LOOK AS THOUGH YOU’RE MONETISING THE WEDDING

There is nothing inherently un-posh about having an expensive wedding.

But there is something decidedly indiscreet about turning the family photo album into a commercial transaction.

Prince William was said to be less than impressed when his cousin Peter Phillips made a deal with Hello! magazine for his wedding to Autumn Kelly at St George’s Chapel in 2008.

And royal expert Julius F Smith believes members of the extended Royal Family have a responsibility to behave discreetly.

‘Is this a commercial event or your wedding day?’ he says.

‘If you invite Hello! in, nobody is going to relax because their every move will be scrutinised. I think it’s in terrible taste.

“The minor royals get a lot of advantages and get invited to a lot of places that they wouldn’t normally, but with that comes responsibility.’

Posh points: 1/5

So perhaps the ultimate exemplar is Princess Anne.

Her second wedding was tiny by royal standards but perfectly summed up upper-class thrift and style. Her outfit was unfussy; the guest list was intimate and there was no attempt to turn the occasion into an attention-seeking spectacle.

In the strange social science of British high society, it is precisely this refusal to show off that makes Anne the poshest of them all.