DEAR CAROLINE: My husband lied to me and secretly gambled away £150,000. Should I leave him?

Q A few months after my 19-year marriage broke up, I met my second husband. He was so kind and patient – I trusted him completely. I don’t know how I failed to see what he was really like. I owned my own house and, after my divorce, he moved in. 

But he has lied throughout our marriage. He developed a gambling problem, running up debts of £150,000, which meant I had to take out equity release on my home. Eventually I took control of all our finances. 

I also discovered he’d been contacting an old girlfriend behind my back. He lied to my children to get himself out of trouble. He blames everything on poor health or anxiety and has even lied to doctors and counsellors. Whenever he’s challenged, he either retreats to bed for days or feigns major illness. Living with him is exhausting. 

He is 86, but he knows exactly what he is doing. I am 82, still exercise frequently, and regularly meet friends for coffee and lunch. I know he has had problems all his life, but despite years of counselling, and trying to help him, he has never been willing to change. 

I am worn down. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living like this.

A What you describe isn’t simply a difficult marriage. Running up £150,000 of debts, leaving you to deal with the consequences and forcing you into equity release is financial abuse. Lying to your children, to doctors and counsellors, and apparently using illness to avoid accountability is deeply manipulative. 

Whatever difficulties he may have had in life, they do not excuse treating you this way. I think you’ve spent so long trying to change him that you’ve perhaps lost the belief that you deserve better. You don’t have to spend the years ahead accepting behaviour that leaves you exhausted and unhappy. You have already shown remarkable strength. You took back control of the finances and built a life outside your marriage. 

At 82, you’re exercising regularly and enjoying your friends. If you feel able, I would encourage you to tell your children exactly what has been happening rather than protecting him. You shouldn’t have to carry this burden alone. It’s time to prioritise your own needs. You deserve peace, honesty and freedom from intimidation and bullying. 

Please contact Hourglass, a charity for older people experiencing abuse. They have a 24-hour helpline (0808 808 8141) and understand the particular issues faced by those who feel trapped after years of marriage. Also speak to a solicitor about your options. Knowing your legal position can be empowering.

SHOULD I CHALLENGE HER COMMENTS?

Q My friend has a teenage son who suffers from very high anxiety and other issues. I know it isn’t easy for her. However, she is constantly looking for fault in mutual friends’ children and seems almost pleased when they have problems, too. 

Recently, one boy got into quite a lot of trouble at school and she said some quite bitchy things to me about him. I pointed out that it wasn’t easy for his mum either and she said it just made her feel better that she isn’t the only one with a messed-up son. I don’t like this side of her and I’m not sure whether to say anything or just let it go.

A Yes, it is a shame that she seems to take comfort, or even pleasure, in the misfortunes of others. However, this suggests that she is struggling with supporting her son and may have anxiety or depression herself – understandably. 

When parents face huge challenges, it can be hard to watch others whose children seem to breeze through life. She may feel like a failure. So it is perhaps not surprising that she takes comfort in knowing she isn’t the only one. It is a pity she expresses this with bitterness, though. 

So if she makes any more comments, gently ask her how she is. Tell her you know how hard it is and ask whether she is getting enough support from her husband, GP or a counsellor. Perhaps suggest a charity such as coramfamilylives.org.uk, which offers advice to parents.