How you can conquer your fear of spiders: For 40 years I was so terrified I had to run out of the room, but here are the steps that mean now I can even hold one without flinching – and anyone can do it

For most people, summer is something to look forward to, promising sunshine, long evenings and well-earned holidays.

But for 40 years, I’ve seen the months of July through to September as something to be endured rather than enjoyed.

Why? Because I know the hot weather will bring with it an influx of spiders, as they emerge to mate.

Arachnophobia – a fear of spiders – affects approximately 20 per cent of us, with women thought to be twice as likely to suffer from the condition. It’s not exactly clear why, but experts believe it could be due to evolutionary factors or hormonal fluctuations.

In my case, just the sight of one causes my heart to race and a rising tide of nausea.

And yet, last weekend I managed to hold a huge spider in my hand for six minutes. Not long ago even the thought of this would have triggered rising panic that made me want to run away.

But I’m proof that you can conquer your fear of spiders – or at least stop it ruling your life.

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t scared of spiders.

Growing up, my mum was never bothered by them, but my dad would quake with fear when he thought there was one in the room. Now working as a psychotherapist, I know children typically mirror the biggest reactions they see in any given situation, meaning my dad’s fear was instilled in me from an early age.

When I was ten, I saw a spider on the stairs when I was getting ready for school. Paralysed with fear, I saw the postman approach the front door and had to beg him from the top of the stairs to come inside to get rid of it so I could get downstairs.

My fear didn’t abate as I got older. Not long after having my first baby, aged 29, I was home alone and saw a spider in my bedroom. I moved all of my clothes, make-up and shoes into another room, and had to beg a friend to leave work to come and get rid of it for me.

Then, a few years ago, I had a conversation with a friend who shares my phobia. He has three sons, and could see his anxiety was affecting them. He knew it was time to change, so one day he found a massive spider in the garden… and let it crawl all over him.

I was so disturbed by his story, and yet, by then a mother-of-three myself, I knew I needed to tackle my own arachnophobia.

I’d previously beaten a years-long fear of driving following a road accident by using systematic desensitisation techniques, where you gradually expose yourself to your fear until your heart rate comes down, teaching your body the threat is survivable.

So every time I went into our cobwebby garage, I started forcing myself to pick up one of the tiny, spindly spiders lurking in the corners until my heart rate started to drop.

My hands would shake but within a few attempts I was able to pick up larger and larger spiders.

Touching a spider may be a step too far for some, but we’ve also got spider traps in our house, so when there was one in there I would make myself hold the trap up to my face and eyeball its inhabitant. I also gave each spider a name.

You might think it sounds mad, but it humanises them and makes them feel less threatening. It worked, albeit slowly, lessening the anxiety response a little every time I saw one.

While my fears subsided somewhat, my instinct when I saw a spider was still to flee or kill it – my go-to methods being to suck it up with the hoover or bashing it with a book.

But then the other day my ten-year-old son, who loves all creepy crawlies, asked plaintively why I had to kill them, and I realised I had to get over the fear for good.

So together we found a massive spider – I’m talking the length of my fingers, much bigger than my tiny garage spiders – in the corner of the living room. While I instinctively felt myself drawing back, the kids crowded round in fascination.

My son picked it up and took it outside. I watched him for a few minutes, gearing myself up. My hands were shaking as I took it from him; 40 years of ingrained fear is hard to escape. My rational brain knew I could do it, but my primitive brain was telling me this was a threat to avoid at all costs.

I told myself to hold it for two minutes – an unimaginably long time.

But after two minutes, my heart rate was still high – so I did another two. As my confidence grew and the pounding lessened, I did a further two, until I realised I was feeling, while not happy, much less anxious.

It might sound small to some people, but to me it’s the most incredible victory. I’m still riding on that high.

So if you suffer with arachnophobia, know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Here are my top tips for facing your fear head-on – and don’t worry, they don’t all involve holding a spider…

1. It’s fine to start small. You could just look at pictures of spiders online, or stay in a room you know has a spider in it. The key is to hold yourself in a situation that inspires feelings of anxiety, rather than automatically running from it.

2. Don’t stop while you’re still panicking. The point of systematic desensitisation is to teach your body the fear isn’t a threat, so you need to wait till your heart rate starts to drop before you stop.

3. Read up about spiders’ characters. We cast them as villains, but in reality they’re very shy, and don’t want to come towards you.

4. Ask a friend who isn’t afraid of spiders to come on a spider-hunting mission with you. Having someone who is calm around spiders with you will mean you’ll feel calmer by association. Have them stand with you while you hold a spider, or stand next to them while they hold one.

5. Remember, any progress counts. You may not ever totally beat the fear, but the spike of adrenaline will soften the more you expose yourself.

How to Stop Snapping at the People You Love (As Well As the Ones You Don’t): A Compassionate Guide to Rage, Regulation and Repair by Anna Mathur is out now (Penguin Life, £18.99).