I cheated on my husband after ‘wines and lines’ with the girls got out of hand. The next morning, my so-called ‘friend’ said something that terrified me: ASK JANA

Dear Jana, 

I’ve done something I never thought I would do, and I feel sick every time I think about it.

Last weekend, my husband was away so I had the girls over. It started with a few wines at mine, everyone venting about life. Someone brought out cocaine and before I knew it, we’d all had a few lines and were heading out.

I’m mortified and ashamed to admit what happened next. At the bar, I got chatting to a guy. It seemed harmless, until it wasn’t. One thing led to another, and I ended up going home with him.  

The second it was over, the reality hit me like a truck. I felt physically ill. I went home, showered, and have barely slept since.

I told one of my friends, thinking she’d tell me we all do stupid things when we’re drunk or high and that I should forget it ever happened. Instead, she is now insisting I tell my husband. She’s gone as far as saying if I don’t, she will.

My husband is a good man. We have a happy life together. If I tell him, I know it’s over. There’s no coming back from this.

I am drowning in guilt, but I also feel that telling him will simply destroy my life over something I already deeply regret.

Do I come clean and risk losing everything, or keep my mouth shut and live with it? 

Wines and Lines.

Dear Wines and Lines,

First of all… dud friend.

Yes, you stuffed up. No gold stars for that. But going to a friend in a moment like this and having her turn around and threaten to tell your husband? Not on.

She’s attempting to control you, and that’s not a true friend.

Now, I’d put money on the fact she’s taken this personally. People don’t get that fired up unless there’s a good reason. Insecurities about her own partner? Triggered from being cheated on in the past, perhaps?

So instead of going head-to-head, I’d give her a bit of space. Let her cool off. You might find that once the shock wears off, she backs down from her threat.

But… you can’t bank on that.

So for now, yes, buy yourself some time. Tell her you’re taking a step back to figure out what you’re going to do. That gives you breathing room and stops her from feeling like she has to get personally involved.

It might be controversial – everyone loves to say ‘you have to tell him’, that honesty is always best. But let’s be real: sometimes confessing isn’t for their sake at all – it’s about relieving your own guilt. 

And in doing that, you hand them pain they didn’t ask for.

You need to be really honest with yourself about why you’d tell him. Is it because he deserves to know? Or because you can’t sit with what you’ve done?

Or worse, because you’re scared your mate is going to blab.  

Because if you choose not to tell him, that doesn’t mean you get to just carry on like nothing happened. It means you sit with it. Properly. You don’t repeat it. You take a hard look at how you ended up there in the first place.

Spoiler alert: cocaine and bravado.

A terrible twosome, and you need to accept that this outcome is now yours to carry – but it sounds like you’re already doing that.

What you can’t do is pretend it was a one-off ‘whoops’ and then wander back into the same situations that got you there in the first place.

Also – and I don’t want to freak you out – but should your friend decide to light the match, then yes there’s a fair chance hubby will say bye-bye.

So have a plan up your sleeve if she does. Show him you’ve put measures in place to prevent this from happening again. Perhaps that’s having a break from sniff-loving friends and the blabbermouth.

Handle her carefully. Handle yourself even more carefully.

And maybe keep the wines… but skip the lines next time.

Dear Jana,

I need to know if I’m overthinking this or if I should actually be concerned.

My wife ran into her ex a month ago at a mutual friend’s birthday and ended up chatting for a while. She told me about it the next day and I didn’t think much of it.

But since then… he keeps coming up in conversation.

It’s never anything major, just little comments like, ‘Oh, he used to love this restaurant,’ or, ‘He always said that about me too,’ or even correcting me on something with, ‘Well, he thought…’

At first I brushed it off, but now I can’t stop thinking about it. 

The other night, we were watching a show and she casually mentioned something he used to do in the exact same situation. I just sat there thinking, ‘Why is he even in your head right now?’

I haven’t said anything yet because I don’t want to seem insecure, but it’s starting to get under my skin.

Is this just a weird coincidence, or could something be going on here?

Third Wheel.

Dear Third Wheel,

Okay, I think a couple of things are at play here.

Yes, there’s probably a bit of a spark that got lit when she saw him again. That doesn’t mean she wants him back, but running into an ex can stir things up in a way you don’t expect. 

It reminds you of a version of yourself you used to be, and that can feel… interesting.

I wouldn’t be too hard on her for that part. I could be married to Brad Pitt, living my best life, and if a certain ex walked into a bar one night, I’d still feel a little flutter. It doesn’t mean I’m blowing up my life for him. It just means I’ve got a pulse.

But there’s also a possibility she’s getting a secret thrill out of your reaction.

She might not even realise she’s doing it, but seeing that jealous flicker of ‘hang on…’ from you could be a bit of an ego boost – especially if you’ve been unintentionally taking her for granted. That happens in long relationships and marriages. 

Seeing your partner get a little territorial can be a powerful aphrodisiac. We’re not proud of it, but it happens.

What you don’t want to do is keep quietly stewing and then suddenly snap. That never goes well.

Just say it once, calmly. Something like, ‘Hey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’ve been bringing him up a fair bit and it’s getting a little tedious.’

Yes, she will probably tee off, and deny it. But you are within your rights to call it out.

Chances are, she’ll go away, reflect on it, feel a bit embarrassed and pull it right back. If she doesn’t, you may have a more serious issue. 

Dear Jana, 

My husband and I have been together for seven years. From the start, we’ve talked about having kids and it’s always been part of the plan. We’ve even had many of those ‘what would we name them?’ conversations.

Over the past year, I started feeling ready. I brought it up again a few weeks ago, expecting we’d start seriously talking about it, but instead he said he didn’t want children anymore. 

Just like that.

There was no big lead-up or discussion beforehand. He said he’d been thinking about it for a while and had changed his mind. He likes our life the way it is and doesn’t want to change it.

I feel completely blindsided. This isn’t a small compromise – it’s everything.

He’s also so calm about it – almost too calm – while I feel like I’m panicking about the future I thought I was going to have.

What do you do when the person you planned your life with suddenly wants a completely different one? 

Changed the Plan.

Dear Changed the Plan,

I want to start by saying, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I don’t want kids myself, but I can completely understand how destabilising that conversation would have felt.

However – and I hate to say it – people are allowed to change their mind about things.

What’s not great is how he’s handled it. Granted, men aren’t exactly famous for their tact, so before you take the conversation any further, explain to him exactly how you feel so he can come at it a little more gently.

Either way, I’m sorry to say there isn’t really a compromise here.

You can’t have half a child. You can’t park it for ten years and circle back. Either one of you bends, or you go your separate ways. 

Instead of trying to convince him or hoping he’ll change his mind again, I’d be getting very clear on what you want.

Not what you thought you wanted when you were both on the same page – what you want now, knowing he’s not in it with you.

Because if having children is something that is non-negotiable to you, you shouldn’t silently give it up and hope it doesn’t come back to bite you – because it will. 

Resentment is a slow burn. It doesn’t show up straight away, but it has a nasty habit of creeping in over time.

At the same time, he has been honest with you at least. Late, but honest.

So now you’re left with a very unfair, but very adult decision to make: stay, and accept the life he’s offering, or leave, and go after the life you’ve always pictured.

Neither option is easy. But pretending this is a small bump you can smooth over will only make it harder down the track.

Take a breath. Give yourself a moment to sit with it. Then decide what you can live with.

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