I had a glorious gap year WITHOUT my husband. I only returned home once – to teach him how to use the oven!

As she watched the sunrise, Monique van Tulder was hit by a sudden realisation.

The cup of coffee she was cradling in her hands was actually hot!

She thought: ‘Oh, my God – I’ve had lukewarm coffee for decades.’

For two decades, Monique had put her family first, becoming the ‘default’ parent – the problem solver, cook and emotional anchor – always relied upon to carry the household load.

Her corporate career in airlines and hotels was routinely paused or reshaped around everyone else’s needs.

‘I realised I was at the top of everyone else’s pyramid but at the bottom of my own. I never put myself first,’ Monique, now 57, tells Daily Mail.

She was staying in her holiday house in North Queensland at the time and due to fly back to Sydney where her husband of 22 years and two teenage sons were waiting for her.

But the realisation she hadn’t had a hot cup of coffee in years convinced her to extend her trip for a few more days.

For two decades, Monique van Tulder (right, with her husband) put herself at the bottom of her own priority list, which led to her feeling ‘invisible’ and wanting to reclaim her sense of self

‘I thought, “Oh, I see how this is going to play out. I’ll be unloading the dishwasher for the rest of my life unless something changes.”

‘It was absolutely in that moment – clear as day – that I thought, “Right, I’m staying.”‘

Monique had followed the script: get a job, get married, buy a house, have children.

Like many mothers, she found herself last on her own list of priorities. Over the years, a ‘slow simmer of resentment’ was bubbling over.

With her sons heading off to university, Monique reflected on her life and what lay ahead. Years of domestic, mental and emotional labour had taken their toll. She didn’t want an expensive divorce – just a reset.

‘I still loved my husband. In fact, it wasn’t even about him. I didn’t like the person I’d become,’ she says.

So, she wrote him an email.

‘I said, “Here’s my post office box – I’m not coming back for a bit.” It was the most ridiculous thing, and probably speaks to my state of mind at the time. It was a physical line in the sand,’ Monique says.

‘When you’re exhausted and feel invisible in mid-life, your lifestyle loses any sense of creativity. I felt beige and longed to live in Technicolor again.

‘I realised I was at the top of everyone else’s pyramid but at the bottom of my own. I never put myself first,’ Monique, now 57, says of her decision to take a gap year away from her family

‘I said [to my husband], “Here’s my post office box – I’m not coming back for a bit.” It was a physical line in the sand,’ Monique says

‘I had no plan, I just knew I wanted a hot coffee again the next day. I had zero clue what the future would look like.’

While Monique’s husband was certainly surprised by his wife’s decision, he was ultimately supportive.

Monique and her husband had always valued independence, but rarely discussed their future – especially as they grew older.

Her husband, a lifelong Sydneysider with a small, established social circle, had a much smaller world than Monique, who hails from New Zealand.

Monique spent a month in Queensland, then briefly returned to Sydney to ‘teach her husband how to use the oven and fill the freezer’ before heading out again.

‘Before I left, I cobbled together what unpaid domestic labour looks like,’ she says, detailing years of meals, cooking and cleaning.

‘My boys were thrilled and happy for me. I think my husband was kicking his heels together too. Everyone was happy.’

After spending five months in Queensland, Monique flew to Europe to visit her father in Croatia and her sister in London.

Next on her list was a spa retreat in Austria.

‘Life caught up with me and I was forced to sit for a bit and just examine myself,’ she says.

‘In your 50s, the road in front is probably shorter than the road behind you, and time is finite. I had to think about what I wanted the shape of my life to be like moving forward.’

Three years on, Monique lives in North Queensland while her husband remains in Sydney

Monique spent eight months away from her family, rediscovering herself – meeting her husband halfway in Singapore at one point.

‘I’m asked often if I feel guilty – and I don’t. It was the best decision I’ve ever made,’ she says.

Returning home, Monique longed to embrace her sons again, but dreaded slipping back into the role of primary parent. Yet when she got back, she felt no resentment – instead, her relationships were stronger.

Her absence had given her husband a new appreciation for the domestic responsibilities she had shouldered for so many years. Meanwhile, her sons had matured at university and supported her journey.

Three years on, Monique and her husband have embraced a non-traditional marriage.

She lives in North Queensland while he remains in Sydney. They rarely go a month without spending time together, even though they reside in different states.

Monique acknowledges their arrangement is ‘unusual,’ but finds it invigorating and believes more couples should consider it as an option.

Monique has chronicled her experience in her book, A Grown Up’s Gap Year, which she hopes will inspire other women.

‘We make it work,’ she says.

‘Love changes – it becomes a solid, lovely friendship. You have to do what’s right for you, so you don’t look back and realise you forgot to live your life. You only get one go.’