My wife’s gym affair with a woman has broken me. I want to forgive her, but her excuses for why it ‘wasn’t cheating’ are driving me mad: ASK JANA

Dear Jana,

My wife and I are both 38 and have been married for 11 years. A month ago, I discovered she had been sleeping with a woman from her gym.

The affair lasted almost six months. They exchanged explicit messages, booked hotel rooms during the day and once even had sex in our home while I was away for work and the kids were asleep.

My wife has always identified as straight. She says the relationship began because she was curious and became more intense than she expected. She has ended it and wants to remain married.

What I’m struggling with is the way she talks about it. She keeps saying that she ‘didn’t leave me for another man’ and insists the affair doesn’t reflect on our sex life because it was something completely different. 

When I used the word cheating, she replied that sleeping with a woman was hardly the same as having an affair with another man. 

I don’t care whether the person was male or female. She lied to me for months and brought this woman into our bed. Yet whenever I become angry, my wife accuses me of being threatened by her sexuality and says I should support her for finally exploring this side of herself.

I’m trying to separate my wife’s sexual discovery from what she did to our marriage, but she appears to be using one to excuse the other.

Am I failing to understand what she’s going through, or is she dressing up an old-fashioned affair in rainbow colours?

Cheater, Cheater?

Dear Cheater, Cheater,

I always get a deep sense of discomfort around people who refuse to own their own indiscretions.

Cheating is cheating, regardless of the sex of the person involved, so we hardly need a judge and jury to assess this one. Your wife had a six-month sexual relationship behind your back and got caught.

Bang that gavel, judge. We have a guilty verdict.

Her claim that you’re threatened by her sexuality is utter rubbish. Even worse, she is attempting to turn you into the narrow-minded villain because you won’t applaud the affair as a brave act of sexual discovery.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If a partner said to me, ‘I’m curious about exploring my bisexual side,’ I would sit down and have a proper conversation about it.

However, that conversation would take place before the curiosity was explored, giving both people the chance to discuss whether there was any way forward that respected the relationship. It wouldn’t happen six months later, after hotel rooms had been booked and the culprit had been caught.

And may we please put to bed the tired idea that bisexual people are incapable of monogamy? Plenty of bisexual men and women remain faithful to their partners. Being attracted to more than one gender doesn’t mean you require one of each.

Your wife also needs to stop describing this as though it were one experimental afternoon that got slightly out of hand. When we look at the facts in the clear light of day, she carried on an affair for half a year and brought the woman into your marital bed while your children were sleeping nearby. That required an awful lot of deliberate lying.

She may still be working out what this experience means for her sexuality, and she deserves the freedom to do that honestly, but you’re equally entitled to decide that the way she went about it has destroyed your trust.

If she genuinely wants to save the marriage, she needs to begin by calling the affair what it was. There can be no meaningful forgiveness while she continues minimising what happened and blaming your reaction on prejudice.

Jesus, woman, just say sorry!

Apologies, compose yourself, Jana.

She must also accept that you may never feel comfortable in that bedroom again. Bringing her lover into your home was a particularly cruel act because she has contaminated the one place where you should feel safest. 

I would tell her plainly: ‘I’m willing to listen to what you’ve discovered about yourself, but I will not allow my anger about your affair to be dismissed as intolerance.’

Then watch what she does. If she finally takes responsibility, ends all contact with the woman and gives you the time you need, there may be something left to discuss. If she continues waving the rainbow flag whenever accountability arrives, I would be marching straight out the door.

She can explore her identity without your permission, but she cannot betray you and then demand your applause.

Rainbow colours don’t camouflage six months of cheating.

Dear Jana,

My husband and I separated 14 months ago. Our divorce becomes final next week.

The split was painful but civil. We had been together since our early twenties and eventually admitted that we had become more like siblings. There was no affair or dramatic betrayal. We simply stopped being happy.

We have both started seeing other people. I’ve been dating a kind man for four months, while my ex has a new girlfriend who regularly stays at what used to be our family home.

Last weekend, my ex came over to collect some paperwork. We opened a bottle of wine and began reminiscing about the early years of our marriage. Before he left, he kissed me and asked whether I would spend one final night with him before the divorce was official.

He said he wanted to say goodbye to our marriage properly and promised it wouldn’t change anything. The embarrassing truth is that I’m tempted. Our sex life was never the problem, and part of me wants to experience him once more knowing it really will be the last time.

I also know we would be cheating on the people we are currently dating. My ex says they don’t need to know because this belongs to the life we shared before them.

Would one final night give us closure, or are we about to ruin four lives because neither of us knows how to let go?

One for the Road.

Dear One for the Road,

Good Lord, we’re dealing with a whole bunch of cheaters this week.

And I’m sorry, but that is exactly what you would be if you go through with this.

Sidenote: Most readers are probably reading this and thinking, ‘No shit, Sherlock.’

I find myself getting particularly annoyed at this question, and perhaps it’s because I’ve been the woman who has dated a bloke straight out of a divorce, but I genuinely think it would be deeply selfish.

Your ex’s magnificent reasoning that the night would somehow belong to the life you shared before your new partners came along is simply the romantic packaging around a horny bloke asking, ‘One last shag for the road?’ 

So let’s not give it more meaning than it deserves. Your marriage may belong to the past, but any sex you have next week will occur firmly in the present, while you’re both involved with other people.

His insistence that they never need to know tells you he already understands it would be a betrayal. People rarely demand secrecy around behaviour they genuinely believe is harmless.

I also struggle to believe this will remain an airtight secret. Secrets get spilled after a few drinks or during a vulnerable confession to a friend. Even if nobody else ever finds out, you will know, and doesn’t a small part of you want to end this marriage in a classy way with your head held high?

And let’s not forget the science behind all this.

Yes, science.

During sexual activity and orgasm, our bodies release oxytocin, the hormone heavily involved in romantic attachment and bonding. It works alongside the brain’s dopamine reward system, which helps teach us that a particular person is associated with pleasure and makes us want to return for more.

One study involving newlyweds found that the pleasurable ‘afterglow’ following sex lasted for around 48 hours. The people who experienced a stronger afterglow also reported greater relationship satisfaction.

Now add decades of memories to that chemical cocktail.

This isn’t some sexy stranger whose name you won’t remember in the morning… You’re contemplating sleeping with the man your brain has associated with love, home, comfort and safety since your early twenties. 

Those pathways are already well-worn, so you scientifically run the risk of reawakening an attachment you have spent 14 months trying to move on from. 

And come on, if the sex is mind-blowing, do you honestly believe you’ll wake up the next morning feeling beautifully released and ready to move on?

Please.

You’ll start wondering whether ending the marriage was a mistake. He’ll send a nostalgic text a week later. Before long, ‘one final night’ will require a sequel.

You know it. He knows it. WE ALL KNOW IT.

There’s also the thrill of doing something forbidden with someone who still means a great deal to you. Your brain is going to receive pleasure and secrecy in one enormous hit, then you’ll expect it to calmly accept that the experience was a farewell ceremony.

Good luck with that.

If you’re seriously tempted to risk your new relationship for one more night with your ex, I would also question whether you’re ready to be dating someone else. The kind man you’ve been seeing for four months doesn’t deserve to become collateral damage while you and your ex have an encore.

Finalise the divorce with a warm hug and a fond goodbye. Raise a glass to the life you shared if you must. But for the love of God, keep your clothes on.

‘One for the road’ works beautifully with whisky, not boinking.