Relationship expert reveals the trait every happy, long lasting couple has in common

The human need for companionship is as old as humanity’s 300,000 years of existence.

And although the desire for connection is fundamental, how to maintain that connection remains shrouded in mystery.

Love – and its conventions and demands – is constantly evolving alongside increasing life-spans, changing gender dynamics, and a shifting political landscape.

It can therefore be difficult to shed the stresses of everyday life and assess the core strength of your relationship: Where do you excel and where can you truly improve?

Psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur, who specialises in anxiety and confidence, has spent years helping clients navigate the intricacies of romance.

Thanks her extensive experience guiding people through heartbreak and miscommunication, she has identified the core components of happy, lasting relationships.

Among them are emotional safety, shared mutual respect, a shared life vision among other qualities. She revealed what couples can do to achieve these in their relationships to FEMAIL.

1. Emotional safety

‘Emotional safety and vulnerability is the bedrock of intimacy in relationships, be it emotional, physical, sexual – that’s basically the foundation of it all,’ Kamalyn says.

‘When partners feel safe expressing their true thoughts and emotions, they can ask for what they need in a relationship, they can share their insecurities.’

Kamalyn argues that by sharing vulnerable details of fear and anxiety with one another, a couple develops a deep sense of trust.

‘Without that safety, communication becomes very guarded. It becomes very minimal.

‘You start to communicate with frustration or with anxiety, which would then eventually lead to emotional distance.’

For the couples who feel they have yet to foster a sense of safety with one another, there are things you can do.

Kamalyn suggested that you can strengthen your bond through conversation, as long as you’re communicating with curiosity and not combat.

‘If your partner is sitting there saying “I feel like I’m not safe”, it’s not your position as their partner to then go “What do you mean? What do I?”

‘People get defensive because everybody’s programmed to think there’s inadequacy within them.

‘But it’s about giving each other the space to communicate with curiosity, and not go into that combative, defensive, “I’m not the problem, it’s you” mode.’

There’s a difference between listening just to hear and listening to understand and implement what your partner is saying.

‘When your partner’s sitting talking to you about how they’re feeling, don’t take it personally, don’t make it about yourself,’ Kamalyn continued.

‘Don’t react and take away from your partner’s feelings at that time.

‘You have to listen to actually understand what they’re saying.

‘When somebody says to you “This is how I feel”, you can ask them, “Why do you feel like that? How can we change that? What can we do differently?”

2. Deep mutual respect

The second item on Kamalyn’s list is a deep mutual respect between you and your partner.

By respect, Kamalyn means more than just politeness and niceties. She urges couples to respect the other person’s sense of individuality.

‘Just because just because you’re in a relationship with each other, it doesn’t mean you own each other and it doesn’t mean that you are now merged personalities.

‘You’re still individuals – two individuals that are choosing to come together.

‘This is about that ongoing recognition that your partner is a separate entity in themselves, a separate human being who is complex.

‘They have their own thoughts, boundaries, values and they will have their own views and opinions and perspectives on things – and they’re allowed to.’

If you feel threatened by your partner’s sense of individuality, Kamalyn prescribes some tough love and self-awareness.

‘That’s a you problem,’ she says. ‘It’s not your partner’s problem. That’s an insecurity in yourself and that’s something you have to then unpack.

‘You should ask yourself “What part of me is finding it difficult for my partner to go and do their own thing? Why do I feel triggered when my partner is doing things without me?”‘

Kamalyn suggests this fear is rooted in anxiety – either as a result of behaviours from your childhood, or separation anxiety or insecurity in your current relationship.

Before speaking reactively, it’s more beneficial to look inwards and assess your feelings first.

Kamalyn warns against slipping slowly into patterns of disrespect.

‘I see this a lot,’ she says. ‘Couples do the eye-rolling, the sarcasm, they interrupt their partner and undermine their confidence, they say “Ugh my wife or my husband always does this or says that.”

‘You might do it in a jokey way because you’re familiar with each other but it can erode the emotional connection that you have.’

3. A shared life vision

In her years of coaching people through relationships, Kamalyn notes that it’s the couples that have a shared sense of purpose that are among the strongest.

‘Whether that’s raising a family, building a business together, co-creating a meaningful life together – it can be anything,’ the psychotherapist explained to FEMAIL.

‘Maybe it’s by deciding to go travelling together, live in a certain city for a few years, and then retire abroad, for example.

‘A shared vision gives couples that direction, especially during tough times, because it reinforces that idea that they’re a team with a long-term goal.’

Kamalyn said this item on the list is not simply about the two people who are in a relationship sharing the exact same aims.

Rather, she explained, it is about finding the balance between supporting each other’s individual dreams and sharing fundamental values.

4. Repairing after conflict

The way in which conflict is resolved, and the days after arguments, are crucial to the success of a relationship, says Kamalyn.

‘How we repair after conflict is very, very important,’ she added.

‘No relationship is perfect and it’s absolutely okay to have arguments or to have friction.

‘However, the real test is: how do you repair the relationship after a disagreement?

‘Do you just pretend it didn’t happen? Do you avoid it? Do you just sweep it under the carpet? Do you dismiss the other person’s emotions?’

Kamalyn said that couples that are insecure or avoidant tend to just let the conflict fester.

Later on, this can lead to resentment, bitterness and anger.

‘I’ve had clients that suddenly remember something upsetting their partner said in an argument five years ago,’ Kamalyn notes.

‘They don’t realise it’s annoying them until they come to the therapy session and it surprises them because they’ll say “I don’t even know why I brought that up, it just came out of nowhere.”

‘But it’s obviously annoying them on a deeper level.’

According to Kamalyn, healthy couples use the end of arguments as an opportunity to apologise, acknowledge their partner’s feelings and then, crucially, decide how to improve.

And for couples who feel they leave arguments unresolved, Kamalyn suggests deciding on a contingency plan in advance.

‘When you’re in a good head space, make a blueprint for how you’re going to deal with conflicts,’ she said.

‘When we’re angry, it doesn’t matter what other person says. Everything about them is going to anger you at that moment – that is not the time to do conflict resolution.

‘But when you’re feeling good about each other, you can say “When we have an argument and we cannot get on board with each other, what will be our process, what’s the plan?”‘

Kamalyn suggested that, for some couples, this might look like walking away from the argument, leaving it to rest for a day and then reconvening when calmer.

Others might need an hour to walk it off and then come back to the conversation.

‘It means when the conflict happens, even if the argument gets heated, you already have a blueprint in place for it,’ Kamalyn added.

‘So, nobody thinks “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she or he just walked off” because you already know that’s part of the plan.

‘It’s about giving each other space, not probing and pushing and poking that conversation. 

‘That’s likely the best way to do it for most couples.’

Those four factors form the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, said Kamalyn.

Although relationships come in many forms, their longevity always comes down to respect, communication and the ability to be emotionally vulnerable.

If your relationship is not in perfect shape, don’t panic. 

There are ways to implement healthy behaviours and better your connection together.