This is the intimate conversation EVERY mother must have with their teenage daughter… before it’s too late (and it’s not what you’re thinking)

As a parent – and as the author of parenting books – I’ve always felt able to talk to my two daughters about almost everything. Open, honest communication is, in my view, the lifeblood of strong family relationships.

I’ve worked hard to create an atmosphere where they feel safe coming to me with anything. And while I’ve always made sure our conversations are age-appropriate, no subject has ever been off limits.

They’re now 23 and 20, but they’ve always known they can speak freely, without fear of judgment. Over the years we’ve talked about friendship issues, boyfriends and body image. I’ve even tackled the topic of porn with them – not to be provocative, but to try to buffer the shock of violent, woman-hating content they might stumble across online.

We’ve discussed contraception, sexual health and consent. But there’s one subject I had never quite managed to raise – much as I wanted to. Masturbation.

I would have happily answered questions on the subject if my daughters had asked. But despite mounting evidence that masturbation is a healthy and natural part of development, I couldn’t seem to bring it up myself.

Alongside being a writer, I’m now a Gestalt counsellor – a specialism with a focus on self-awareness and exploration – and with that broader knowledge of the struggles young women face today, I wish I’d been braver.

Why, you might ask, would any parent want to talk about this?

While researching this article, I did a straw poll among fellow Gen X parents and the reaction was universal: horror at the idea of discussing the M-word. Several sent me funny online posts of Hyacinth Bucket saying, ‘Good heavens, no!’ Other reactions included: ‘It’s something you let them work out by themselves, isn’t it?’, ‘Nothing to do with me’, and ‘Leave it to sex education lessons’.

Mothers of sons told me they’d approached the subject by saying: ‘Just close the door and put your Kleenex in the bin’. Another said: ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t even let my mind go there.’

But this needs to change. I hear time and again that when girls start having sex, many discover boys have been wired to put their own pleasure first, in the one-sided way it’s presented in porn.

The idea that girls should experience pleasure too is, for many, a novel concept. Which tells us we’re not speaking enough to our sons either.

Masturbation plays a vital role in helping girls advocate for themselves – by helping them understand their bodies, boundaries and desires.

Growing up in the 70s, you knew boys masturbated because they were always accusing each other of it. It was part of the cultural wallpaper – awkward but acknowledged. For girls it was invisible, something we worked out for ourselves and kept secret. No jokes, no euphemisms, not even a hint it was something we might do.

I first realised girls my age masturbated when I walked into my student dorm and caught a roommate sitting on a sink using the shower hose we used to wash our hair over the basin. On seeing me, she fainted. Or perhaps she feigned it. We never spoke of the incident again.

Have things changed? Perhaps not. In a 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex Research, when parents talked to their daughters about sex, the topic of masturbation ranked 12th, after pregnancy, abstinence and STDs.

By contrast, it came eighth in the list of subjects that fathers spoke to their sons about.

It seems it’s easier to tell our girls what they should not be doing than what they can.

Perhaps that’s because society is still conditioned to believe men and women don’t experience sexual feelings equally. That male desire is inevitable, while female desire is optional, or worse, shameful. So, for a moment, let’s step back from that visceral parental reaction of ‘Just… no’.

Let me be clear: this isn’t about handing over explicit instruction manuals. The ‘M-talk’ – like any sex education – should be guided by firm boundaries and a respect for your child’s right to privacy.

The goal is to let our daughters know that exploring their bodies, for no one else but themselves, is normal. In fact, it’s protective. Whether they’ve seen pornography or not, girls today are growing up among boys who are likely to have watched hundreds of videos where sex is portrayed solely as male pleasure.

If bringing up this topic feels too awkward, let’s look at it another way. In a world that seems to be growing more misogynistic by the day, teaching our daughters to advocate for themselves is more important than ever.

And as the most powerful influence in their lives, if we say nothing we leave a vacuum – one the porn industry is all too ready to fill. It can shape not just our girls’ understanding of sex and relationships, but also how they see their own bodies – and whether they believe they have the right to make choices, set boundaries and expect mutual respect.

As for timing, there’s no need to wait until your child hits puberty. If anything, it’s easier to start earlier. Children start touching their genitals, just because it feels good, in infancy. As they grow, let them know it’s nothing to be ashamed of but something done in the privacy of their bedrooms.

This is also a great introduction to conversations about consent, and how no one is allowed to touch these areas but them.

As they approach adolescence, and rising hormones inject sexual feelings into self-touch, keep the conversation equal. If you talk to your son about masturbation, talk to your daughter too.

In a recent study of teenagers in Sweden (where, admittedly, attitudes are more liberal), 99 per cent of boys said they masturbated by the time they left secondary school, compared to 85 per cent of girls. However, boys started a year earlier, aged 12.5, compared to 13.7 for girls.

When you do find a way into the topic, whether it’s a conversation about knocking before entering your daughter’s room or keeping her door closed at night, keep your tone warm and matter-of-fact, and don’t go into too many details. Maybe choose a car journey so you don’t have to make eye contact…

Parenting author and psychologist Dr Lisa Damour, host of the Ask Lisa podcast, suggests ‘a direct conversation, without violating the boundary that belongs between adult and child sexual lives’.

If you’re unsure how to strike that balance, she offers a helpful rule of thumb: stop before you start sounding ‘weird’.

Another way in is to let your child know that they might hear about it from friends.

Many parents worry that bringing it up might ‘plant the idea’ before it’s even occurred to their child. But even if it hasn’t, Dr Damour says: ‘What’s the worst-case scenario? That they check it out anyway? Question that – because that’s a shame-informed worry.’

The reality is, they’ll probably end up doing it. But if we’ve laid the groundwork, there will be less stigma around it when they do.

You could also frame masturbation as an act of self-care. Research shows it can reduce anxiety, ease period pain, boost immunity and even help with sleep.

Your daughter might shriek when you mention masturbation next time she’s stressed, but she certainly won’t forget it and you’ll have enforced the idea that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

But when you next have a conversation about porn – which is a basic requirement if you’ve given them any form of screen – use the moment to recommend they keep this separate. Suggest that tuning into their own sensations is a healthier way to shape their sexuality.

Add this disclaimer too: if they notice that masturbation ever feels compulsive, interferes with other areas of life, or becomes their only coping mechanism, it’s worth asking why.

When I finally sat down with both my daughters last week, I was relieved to discover they have an open enough relationship to talk about it to each other. But I regret that, in part, that was because I had failed to.

They told me they could have done with my input earlier, before they started having relationships, so they could have advocated better for their needs from the start.

You may be afraid of getting the M-conversation ‘wrong’, as I was, but it’s never too late.

If all you manage to do is remove the stigma around your daughters exploring their bodies, then you will have got something right.