I walked in on my boyfriend doing the unthinkable with his female best friend. No it’s NOT what you think – but a sexless betrayal a million times worse: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

I recently started dating a new guy a few months ago and things have been going great. I really like him, and all his friends… except one.

It’s a tale as old as time: he has a female best friend that he’s known since childhood.

I initially thought nothing of it – we’re both adults and we’re allowed to have friends if the opposite gender! Frankly, I’m too old to feel jealousy about that anymore.

That is, until I found out that he tells her everything about our relationship – both good and bad.

I know this because I happened to catch a glimpse of their texts one time and decided to be the bigger person and ignore it.

But that all changed a few weeks ago when my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument on the phone. When I went to his apartment later to apologize, I walked in on the two of them together – him a sad wreck on the couch (presumably about our fight) and her rubbing his back, consoling him.

When I told him later that their relationship crossed a clear boundary, he got defensive, saying I sounded just like his past girlfriends who hated this friend of his too. We were all the problem, he said, not him and this friend.

Personally I find it hurtful he wouldn’t respect my needs. I’m not asking him to cut her off (though I think I have a reason to) – I’m just asking for them not to be so close.

Am I in the wrong?

Sincerely,

Best Friend Boundaries

Dear Best Friend Boundaries,

It can be hard to accept that our partners are friends with members of the opposite sex, even if they are absolutely clear that it is only ever platonic.

I am reminded of the famous Nora Ephron quote from When Harry Met Sally: men and women can never be friends because ‘the sex part always gets in the way.’

However, I’m not sure that’s entirely true.

I have male friends who I often turn to for advice, including relationship advice, knowing that even though we are both single there is not a hint of sexual attraction.

The core problem here isn’t that he has a female best friend, but that she is his primary emotional outlet, and that he’s sharing intimate, private things about your relationship with her. 

It is understandable that it feels like a breach of your privacy, but from his perspective, this is a foundational friendship, one he has had for decades. 

He is likely hearing that you want him to downgrade one of the most important relationships in his life, hence his defensiveness.

You need to get some clarity about your boundaries: are you okay with him turning to her for advice in general, just not about your relationship? Is the physical closeness, her rubbing his back, uncomfortable for you?

These are all things you can discuss with him, but if you cannot reach a compromise, then this is a major compatibility issue.