I’m exposing my Instagram DMs from married men… including A-listers, politicians and one international sports star who made an obscene sex request: See JANA HOCKING’s sceenshots!

A not-so-surprising recent Instagram notification: A man slid into my DMs.

The lothario wrote: ‘You know most guys probably zoomed in on your cleavage like I did. Bloody sexy.’ It was followed by three fire emojis, because apparently that’s still considered flirting in 2026.

Dear reader, the photo in question contained zero cleavage. If he’d zoomed in hard enough, he might’ve spotted an eyelash extension.

Curious, I clicked on his profile. There, smiling back at me, were two females. One looked around forty and the other about six.

I replied, ‘Your profile picture is literally your wife and child.’

Now, when I point something like this out (because yes, this is a common occurrence), one of three things usually happens. He’ll either block me immediately (too late, buddy, I’ve already screenshotted it), he’ll get defensive and tell me it’s my own fault for having ‘my t**s all over Instagram’ – yes, I’ve genuinely had that one more than once – or he’ll suddenly become the most apologetic man on Earth.

This guy chose a completely different route.

He informed me that they weren’t his wife and daughter at all. They were his granddaughters. His wife of forty years, he assured me, had seen the message and thought it was ‘a complimentary comment about how guys would react.’

Oh yes. I’m sure she was absolutely thrilled that her husband was spending his evening sending another woman fire emojis and commenting on her cleavage.

The whole ordeal got me thinking… When did men collectively decide this was flirting?

Because if you walked into a wine bar and opened with, ‘Just so you know, I’ve been staring at your boobs,’ security would probably escort you outside before you’d ordered your drink.

The same goes for this doozy of a line I was sent recently: ‘Do I need to send you a thick d**k to get your attention?’ 

Somewhere along the line, Instagram has gotten grim and seems to have convinced otherwise normal men that this is where true romance begins.

It baffles me that so many married fellas seem to lose all common sense the moment they’re presented with a blank message box.

The number of husbands who pop into my inbox genuinely deserves its own David Attenborough documentary.

The narration would go something like: Here we have the Middle-Aged Married DM Slider, a fascinating creature. Usually identifiable by a profile photo featuring his wife, children, grandchildren, or occasionally all three. His opening mating call rarely extends beyond ‘Sexy’, three fire emojis, or ‘Hey beautiful.’ Sometimes, if he’s feeling particularly intellectual, he’ll throw in a ‘Yo.’

And we’re not just talking about ‘Barry from the suburbs.’ I’ve had a very famous A-listers slide right in with the fire emojis. And an international cricketer who got so creepy I ended up reporting him to his club. That did not end well… for him. 

He asked for a threesome and how much I charged. I’ve never charged for anything in my life. My bad choices, sadly, have always come free.

Then there was another charming gent, who, after one very easy Google search, turned out to be a fairly high-profile married politician.

And it’s not just me.

Bunnie XO recently joked that ever since news of her divorce from Jelly Roll broke, her inbox has looked like the gates of a very desperate zoo had been flung open. Blue-ticked celebrities, rappers, random strangers, even a man writing from prison.

She read some of the messages out on her podcast and, honestly, they made my cleavage enthusiast look positively Shakespearean. She’s far from the only A-lister with a flood of DMs: Jennifer Lopez, Sydney Sweeney and Sabrina Carpenter, to name a few, have confessed they have full inboxes.

It raises an important question: Why do otherwise functioning adults completely lose the ability to flirt the second they’re given the opportunity?

Meanwhile, the perfectly lovely single blokes are quietly wondering why they’re getting nowhere.

It’s a shame because, used properly, a DM slide, when a thoughtful note, is actually one of the nicest ways to meet someone. Some of the best dates I’ve ever been on started with an Instagram message.

One man disagreed with an article I’d written. Not in an obnoxious way. He simply challenged my opinion so intelligently that we ended up messaging for three days.

Another had such an interesting profile, I had no choice but to investigate further. Admittedly, the beard and photos of him working on a farm did most of the heavy lifting, but I ended up having some lovely weekends on his farm.

Then there are the people you’ve met briefly at a party or a bar but never quite worked up the courage to ask for their number. A cheeky message the next day suddenly feels far less terrifying than cold approaching someone ever did.

In fact, I reckon Instagram accidentally gives you everything dating apps forgot to. You get a background check before you’ve even said hello.

You can see whether they actually have friends. Whether every weekend revolves around fishing or shirtless gym selfies. Whether they’ve got a sense of humor. Whether six of your girlfriends have suspiciously liked every one of his photos since 2019. Most importantly, you’ve got a full name to Google, which remains one of my non-negotiables before agreeing to meet anyone.

So yes, I’m fully in favor of the Instagram DM becoming the modern dating app. Just perhaps remember that the same rules apply online as they do in real life.

If your opening line would earn you a drink thrown in your face at the pub, it’s probably not the ideal way to introduce yourself on Instagram either.

And if your profile picture includes your wife… Maybe just keep scrolling.