I’ve read my husband’s texts to his male ‘gym buddy’. I feared I’d been betrayed… but this is almost too devastating for words: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

I thought my husband and I had such a strong relationship. We’ve been together for close to a decade and know everything about each other.

But, lately, he’s been acting out of character.

He recently decided to get in shape and has been hitting the gym almost every night. I was so proud of him at first, but as the weeks have gone on, the workouts have become longer.

I didn’t think much of it, but then he also started going out after work to see ‘a friend’ and was gone for hours at a time.

Never mind the way he acts with his phone, quickly locking the screen and stuffing it in his pocket when I walk in the room.

I’m not a jealous person – in fact, I’m incredibly trusting – but, when put together, his behaviors bear all the hallmarks of cheating.

So, I did what I probably shouldn’t have and I looked through his phone.

And what I found was far more confusing than expected.

There were messages from someone who I can only assume is a man from his name. They referred to each other as ‘gym buddies’ who would also ‘grab a drink’ after working out together. That might not seem worrying, but this ‘buddy’ keeps using suggestive emojis and I can’t help but read between the lines.

I know it’s possible these messages mean nothing, but the thought of him being unfaithful – and hiding this secret from me all along – is devastating.

I feel like I should confront him, but if I’m wrong about this, it will be mortifying.

Sincerely,

Mysterious Messages

Dear Mysterious Messages,

It’s hard when a spouse’s behavior starts to change in ways that cause alarm, and you are right to question the fact that he quickly pockets his phone when you walk into a room and the suggestive emojis.

While the name in his phone seems to be a man’s, it is not uncommon for cheating spouses to change names to the same sex to alleviate suspicion. If you have not had any question about his sexuality prior to now, it may be that he is actually talking to a woman.

I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with confronting him even if your suspicions are proved wrong. 

Pick the right time, when you are both calm, and tell him that you looked at his phone and need to talk to him about what you saw. 

He may try to deflect by focusing on that being a betrayal, but stay focused. Instead of accusing him of infidelity, tell him what you found and how it made you feel. It is less accusatory and less likely to make him be defensive.

Be clear that the suggestive emojis and messages looked like an intimate or romantic relationship, and ask for him to be honest. His reaction will tell you a lot. 

If he reacts badly, refuses to look you in the eye, explodes in anger, it will tell you perhaps more than words ever could. It’s likely that he has something to hide. 

Or, he may say that the messages look inappropriate, but then explain the context. 

If you feel he isn’t telling the truth, you are allowed to set a boundary and ask for space to decide what you are going to do, but it’s impossible to make that decision without all the information.