CAROLINE | Daily Mail Online
Q After suffering some TIAs (mini strokes), several falls and hospital admissions, my 90-year-old mother-in-law accepted that she needed to live with us. It has been as difficult as I feared. My husband has progressive MS and I retired early.
We were hoping for a peaceful end to our working lives, with some time for us. Instead, the situation is very stressful and, most worryingly, my husband’s mobility has deteriorated. Sadly, the offer by her other son to take her for a few weeks at a time hasn’t materialised.
The most horrible aspect is hearing his mother tell her other son, grandchildren and friends that she’s made a terrible mistake, that I’m a bitch and my husband is cold and unfeeling. We’ve had countless rows, followed by apologies and more of the same.
My brother-in-law doesn’t want her. She hasn’t the funds to go into a home, but we can’t go on like this. We both now realise that his mother isn’t a sweet little old lady but is manipulative and two-faced. We feel trapped.
A I am so sorry. It is hard enough managing your husband’s MS without this extra strain. Offering his mother your home was an act of kindness and it is sad that it has become so painful.
If this behaviour is new, ask her GP whether dementia or the effects of her TIAs could be contributing. Equally, she may simply be grieving her lost independence or frightened of what lies ahead. Those feelings can emerge as criticism and complaints.
If the disagreements are over fairly small things, it may be kinder – and less exhausting – to let some of them go. But there are some things that do need to be said. Tell her you’ve overheard what she’s been saying and that it has hurt you deeply. Ask what she needs from you that she isn’t getting, then really listen to the answer. Explain the effect this stress is having on her son’s MS and gently suggest that perhaps living together is no longer working for any of you. Ask whether she thinks she might actually be happier living somewhere else.
I don’t think this situation can continue. Your mother-in-law’s needs matter, but so do yours and your husband’s. His MS makes finding another solution a matter of necessity, not guilt. Ask adult social services for a Care Act needs assessment – and make sure they understand the impact on your husband’s as well as your own health. Also, please contact ageuk.org.uk for advice about care options, housing and funding.
Don’t feel guilty if the kindest answer is that she can no longer live with you. Sometimes, despite everyone’s best intentions, a situation simply doesn’t work.
HE WON’T ACCEPT THAT OUR AFFAIR IS OVER
Q I was devastated when I found out my husband was having an affair. It had been going on for over a year. He has now ended it, is deeply apologetic and says it was a terrible mistake. But I was so angry that I started an affair with a colleague who had always shown an interest in me.
I suppose I liked the attention after such a blow to my confidence, but it’s a disaster. I never really fancied him, yet he’s fallen completely for me and wants me to leave my husband. I’ve tried to end it, but he keeps threatening to tell our colleagues. It’s all a complete mess and I don’t know how to get out of it.
A Your husband’s affair must have hurt you to the core. Sadly, revenge affairs, while completely understandable as an attempt to regain a sense of worth after betrayal, can make things worse.
I very much hope that your colleague won’t turn nasty but I think he is probably making empty threats as a way to try to hold on to you. Keep a note of his threats in case you eventually need to involve HR, but don’t let them stop you ending the affair. Tell him again that it was a mistake and you are sorry if his feelings were hurt but that you want to move on.
Neither this man nor your husband has treated you with the respect you deserve. End the affair, then decide what you want your future to look like and whether that includes your husband.
