DEAR CAROLINE: I’m struggling with my son’s girlfriend. She’s dismissive, checks her phone at supper and implies we’re old-fashioned

Dear Caroline,

I’m struggling with my son’s girlfriend. She isn’t unkind or obviously wrong for him, but I find her hard to warm to. She rarely asks us anything about ourselves and often checks her phone at supper. When she does speak, it’s usually to steer things back to her work or friends or to correct small details in conversation.

She can also be dismissive, making jokey but slightly barbed comments implying we’re old-fashioned. My son seems happy enough, but he’s only had one previous long-term girlfriend (he is 26) and I wonder if he thinks this is his best chance. He is shy. 

I’m worried my feelings might show and damage my relationship with him, but it’s hard to feign a warmth I don’t feel.

Caroline replies: Your feelings are perfectly valid, and it is to your credit that you are trying to improve a tricky situation even though you can’t warm to her. There is a little rudeness and certainly a lack of social skills in her behaviour. Being stuck to phones is, sadly, a modern problem, but if she is shy, too, then retreating to her phone or familiar topics might also feel easier. Treat her with steady kindness – but don’t overdo it. Forced emotion is easy to spot. 

Young people tend to be self-absorbed, so let her talk about herself for now. If she feels you are interested in her thoughts, it will help her warm to you and then vice versa. It is not unreasonable to ask for a phone ban at supper on the grounds of getting to know her better.