DEAR CAROLINE: I’ve been having an affair with a married man for six years. The sex is incredible but he won’t let me see anyone else… I feel so lonely

Q For the past six years I have been having an affair with a married man. He is 51 and no longer has sex with his wife. I am 39 and unmarried. We have incredible sex and he says he loves me and would like to be with me full time but can’t leave his wife because it would devastate his teenage children. 

I only see him about twice a month. I have thought about looking for someone else while still seeing my lover because I am lonely. However, when I suggested this, he became angry and said I should only see him. I also confide in him, and I don’t want to lose his friendship.

A Unfortunately, this man does not sound as loving as you think. He is being selfish in expecting you to see only him. While he has sex with you and the comforts of children and a family home, you spend weekends, evenings and Christmases alone. 

If his sexual relationship has really broken down with his wife, an affair is not really the solution – and it hurts both his wife and you. However, I suspect this might not be true. Some women wait years for a man to leave his wife, only to end up heartbroken, while life and the chance of a loving relationship pass them by. 

Of course, you’ll miss the sex and friendship at first – he has been a big part of your life for six years, but you’ll find that friendship again with someone who is committed only to you.

I’m still grieving my husband. How will I know when I’m ready to date again?

Q My husband died four years ago, when we were in our mid-40s, leaving me and my two children, now 18 and 22. It’s been so hard since he died and we all still struggle with grief. It comes in waves and hits us unexpectedly. 

However, friends and even colleagues often make comments suggesting that I’ll meet someone new or should try online dating. One friend said, ‘Surely you don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life?’ I never know how to respond. 

It makes me angry. Of course I don’t want to be alone for ever but my husband was the love of my life and I can’t envisage being with anyone else. And meeting someone new wouldn’t bring back my children’s father. 

I feel judged when I say I don’t want to date. People seem to expect that I should. How can I stop them asking?

A I’m very sorry about your husband’s death so young. I can hear how deep your sadness still lies. 

Unfortunately, you probably can’t stop people asking as they may simply be trying to help. Many find it difficult to sit with another person’s grief, and look for ways to make them happier without understanding that it doesn’t always work like that. 

There is no timetable for grief. Dating may one day bring you joy, companionship and relief from loneliness, but you don’t feel ready yet – and that is absolutely fine. Sometimes people fear that loving someone new would betray the person they lost, or worry they will never meet someone as good. But you can love someone new without diminishing the love that came before. 

I wonder, too, whether you are trying to carry some of your children’s grief for them – as though, by feeling it so deeply yourself, you could somehow lessen their pain. That is entirely understandable and very loving. But they will grow, find their own relationships and fulfilment and, in time, learn to live with their grief. 

You are allowed to think about your own happiness and, when the time is right, I am sure they will want this for you, too.

The online bereavement community at sueryder.org can be a valuable source of support and a place to meet others who understand your feelings. Grief isn’t a straight road; you can be deeply sad while also, eventually, re-engaging with life. 

While you can’t stop people asking, you do not need to justify yourself. Simply say, ‘I just don’t feel ready yet.’ No explanation necessary. People may have their own ideas about what would help, but please don’t mistake this for judgment: whatever feels right for you, right now, is entirely up to you. I hope your feelings become less painful with time.