DEAR CAROLINE: My son doesn’t discipline his daughter. Am I making a fuss over something that is normal nowadays?

Dear Caroline,

I am concerned about my seven-year-old granddaughter. I realise it is none of my business how my son and daughter-in-law bring up their child but she frequently has issues relating to discipline – and they have taken an approach that I feel is not always right. 

Although my granddaughter and I have a very good bond, I do not see her as often as I’d like (we don’t live nearby) and sometimes she refuses to listen to me or answer me and just continues to play on her own. For me this defeats the object of our time together. Tantrums are a big issue, and she sometimes says horrible things to me, which I find really distressing. 

My son said mealtimes can take up to an hour and she cannot sit still, but no discipline is given at the table. Every night, my son has to stay with her in her room until she goes to sleep, which is exhausting for him. 

He is such a loving and loyal person I would never say anything to him. Am I making a fuss over something that is normal nowadays?

Caroline West-Meads replies: You clearly love your granddaughter and it must be difficult to watch your son be so exhausted. But, as you acknowledge, how they raise her is up to them and you perhaps need to step back a bit. 

I wonder if you could gently rethink what you mean when you say that your granddaughter playing by herself ‘defeats the object’ of your visits. Perhaps the bigger aim is to make sure she has a lovely time with her grandmother and to give your son a little downtime. Simply being a warm, interested presence in a child’s life is valuable, even when they aren’t doing what you had planned or hoped. 

That said, I don’t think you are imagining the difficulties. Tantrums, long meals and needing a parent at bedtime could mean she needs more consistent routines. But restlessness and extreme reactions can sometimes indicate ADHD, neurodivergence or difficulties with emotional regulation rather than simply ‘bad behaviour’. Of course this would be impossible to say without a proper diagnosis, but keep an open mind rather than assuming that stricter discipline is the only answer. 

Talk to your son about how exhausted he is without making it about what you think he or his wife are doing wrong. Something like: ‘You sound absolutely shattered. What can I do to make things easier for you?’ Avoid suggesting that your granddaughter needs more discipline. He is likely to hear that as criticism and become defensive. 

You can get further advice on grandparenting issues from the websites and helplines of Age UK, Family Action or Coram Family Lives.

Should I wait for an apology from her?

Dear Caroline,

I’ve known my friend for 31 years. Last spring, after she mentioned putting a holiday on her fourth credit card, I gently implied that she should really try to cut back and suggested that she consult a debt advice website. However, she was furious and hasn’t spoken to me or replied to texts in seven months. 

Then, last week, she texted, ‘Fancy lunch? Miss you. x’. No apology, no mention of any of it. I miss her, and I know she’s had a tough time since her divorce. But if I just pretend that everything’s OK, am I teaching her that it’s fine to treat me like that? Do I forgive and move on, or wait for an apology?

Caroline West-Meads replies: It’s so hurtful when we try to help a friend with the best of intentions and they react angrily. I imagine she’s been a good friend over the years, and that her divorce may have left her feeling particularly vulnerable. Your suggestion probably touched a nerve, making her defensive about her difficulties with money. 

Her text may be her way of reaching out without knowing how to acknowledge what happened. I’d accept the invitation to lunch as it would be sad to lose a 31-year friendship. 

But you don’t have to pretend you weren’t hurt. Gently explain how her silence affected you and that you’d like to feel able to speak honestly to each other, even when it’s uncomfortable. A good friendship should be able to survive that.

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at You, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk