I discovered my fiancé’s sickening secret group chat with his fraternity brothers. The crude texts were so appalling… I want to call off the wedding: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

For years, my fiancé has had the same group of friends from his college fraternity.

They have kept in touch mainly through a big group chat – one that he has repeatedly refused to let me see.

It always piqued my curiosity when he would laugh at a funny text on his phone, but shielded it from my view. He would say it was ‘boy talk,’ and I always let it go.

But I shouldn’t have.

The other day, he left his phone unlocked while he was showering and it kept vibrating with texts from his group chat.

I couldn’t help myself, and I looked. I knew I was invading his privacy, but his secrecy made me think he was hiding something – and I was right.

The texts were horrifying. His friends were making crude jokes and appalling sexual remarks about women – including their girlfriends.

Not only was I shocked that his seemingly lovely friends were so despicable behind closed doors, but I began seriously questioning my fiancé’s character.

While he rarely chimed in, occasionally laughing at some of the messages, it was really his choice of company and decision to not speak up that was most concerning.

We’re supposed to be getting married next year – but this is not the man I thought I knew.

I have yet to tell him what I saw, but I just don’t know how. Would it be ludicrous to call off the engagement over this?

Sincerely,

Guilty Group Chat

Dear Guilty Group Chat,

I feel your shock and pain at seeing how disrespectfully your fiancé’s friend group view women, and your dismay at discovering that he is a part of this.

The good news is that him responding only with an occasional laugh tells me that he’s probably uncomfortable as well.

You say he isn’t the man you knew, but I would argue that he is exactly the man you thought he was: He knows how shameful these conversations are, hence hiding his phone from you. 

He’s probably embarrassed but also feels the need to be accepted. A fraternity is, after all, a brotherhood. These friends were doubtless the most important men around him through college years.

Yet our friendships change once we are married and those college friends quickly take a backseat.

I remember going to a wedding with my then-fiancé in our late twenties, where I met his fraternity brothers for the first time. They seemed as awful as your fiancé’s. I was disgusted, even as my then-fiancé joined in with the occasional smile. 

We never saw any of them again. Not because I asked him not to, but because we were busy with our own lives and it was very clear we had nothing in common with any of them.

I very much doubt these people will continue to have a large place in your life, and I do think it would be ludicrous to call off the engagement. 

By all means tell your fiancé that you saw some of the chat and were pretty horrified, and see what he says. My suspicion is that he will agree with your sentiments. 

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I are approaching ten years of dating.

We dated all through college, into true adulthood and moved in together – and now, it seems, the natural next step is engagement.

The peculiar thing is, he completely evades the conversation every time I try to bring it up. But when we’re around our engaged friends he puts on a big show, telling them how excited he is at the prospect of marriage.

Finally, I sat him down and told him I needed an answer as to whether we were really on the same page, or if I had just wasted nearly a decade of my life.

As it turns out, it may be the latter. He admitted that he isn’t sure if marriage is ‘for him,’ despite knowing (for years) how important it is to me. He said it’s just a ‘silly piece of paper’ that ‘means nothing’ – and after his parents’ horrible divorce, he isn’t keen on the idea.

I’ve been distraught ever since and wish he had told me sooner.

This is a major dealbreaker that I’m not sure if I can move on from. But equally, I can’t imagine my life without him. Do I give him more time to figure out if he wants marriage, or do I leave?

Sincerely,

Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,

The natural next step after ten years of dating is indeed engagement – for you. But not, it would seem, for him. 

However much you want him to change, I’m afraid he has made it very clear that this is not something he wants.

I do find myself wondering why marriage is so important to you. I know countless couples who have been together for decades, some with children, who never felt the need to be married. 

Not wanting to get married has nothing to do with their commitment to each other, and I wonder if that’s the case here. 

It certainly sounds like you are both happy and I wonder whether, if you were reassured as to his commitment without a marriage certificate, it might cast a different light?

You have to figure out why a marriage contract is important to you, and whether you could be happy in a long-term relationship that looks and feels like a marriage or whether this is in fact a dealbreaker.

What you cannot do is wait for him to change his mind. Of course, there is always the chance that losing you may make him reconsider, but this is really about you getting clarity on what you can live with.