I don’t feel guilty about acting single on girls’ night out. My boyfriend would be irate if he knew… but it’s his own fault: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years, and while he’s everything I could ever ask for in a man, I can’t help but feel that something has been lacking lately.

We’ve been bickering more often – sometimes escalating into full-blown fights – and our busy schedules are so exhausting that we barely have the time or energy for intimacy.

But try as I might to make him see how upsetting this is, he refuses to put in any effort to make things right.

And it has gotten so bad that I have found myself looking elsewhere for that ‘spark.’

It started weeks ago when I was out one night with all my single friends. The bar bouncer started flirting with me as we waited to get inside, and I, admittedly, flirted back.

I’m not proud of it but I had missed feeling desired.

It only snowballed from there: every ‘girls’ night out,’ I was batting my eyelashes at bartenders or bachelors who approached our table.

I didn’t feel bad about my little secret, but last week, I arrived home to a bouquet of flowers and a handwritten note from my boyfriend, promising to put more effort into ‘us.’

Now, I’m racked with remorse about indulging in this guilty pleasure.

I know I have to stop, but do I also have to come clean? He would be devastated if he knew, and I can only imagine the fight that would ensue.

Sincerely,

Boyfriend Blues

Dear Boyfriend Blues,

You love your boyfriend, clearly, but it sounds like there have been real problems. 

Bickering is one thing, full-blown fights are another. 

I think you are mostly blaming him, but if you were really honest with yourself, you might find that you have brought something to this situation as well. 

I understand why you feel invisible in your relationship, and how seductive it can be to get that validation from strangers. 

But despite making you feel better in the short-term, this behavior is not healthy. You need to work on healing yourself and building healthy relationships that don’t leave you feeling so insecure that you have to flirt with other men in order to feel worthy. 

There is real work to be done here. You’re still in an unsatisfying relationship, and although your boyfriend has given you a tiny hint that things might be different, actions speak louder than words.

I have no idea whether or not you should stay with your boyfriend. 

Fighting is an enormous red flag to me, and I can’t imagine what could be healthy or peaceful about any relationship that has that kind of dynamic, particularly in the first five years. Nor does it bode well that you are flirting outside of your relationship.

We all want the same thing in a relationship. Not just to find our person, but in turn to feel valued, safe and loved. It seems to me that you are feeling none of those things.

You need to consider why you are staying and what a healthy relationship should look like. Ask yourself how you can work on changing the dynamic with your boyfriend if you decide to stay, or if not, how you can set yourself up for a future relationship filled with peace, appreciation and kindness – one where you feel loved enough that you do not need to seek approval from elsewhere.

Dear Jane,

After my heartbreaking divorce from my wife five years ago, I didn’t think I’d ever want to date again.

But after my two adult children started pushing me to get back out there, I cautiously signed up for a dating app… and met Molly.

She’s everything a dream woman should be: beautiful, caring, fun and a joy to be around. She makes me feel like a young man again – though that might be, in part, thanks to her own age.

You see, that’s the problem: she’s 35. I’m pushing 60.

But it was her personality, not her age, that drew me to her. My kids, on the other hand, don’t see it that way. 

When I introduced them to Molly last week, they were shocked.

My 30-year-old daughter was appalled that she was almost as old as my new girlfriend, and my son, only a few years younger, was equally distraught.

They said the relationship was ‘inappropriate’ and ‘weird,’ and that I was nearly old enough to be Molly’s father. In fact, they went so far as to say they didn’t want to be around her.

I’m heartbroken that they don’t approve of Molly – especially because they were the ones who encouraged me to start dating again.

I don’t want to push my own kids away by staying with someone they disapprove of, but I also have finally found happiness after divorce – and I don’t want to give that up.

Sincerely,

Divorcee Dilemma

Dear Divorcee Dilemma,

Let me start by saying how happy I am that you got back out there, and what a gift to find someone who has brightened up your life. 

Age gap relationships can be challenging, but also glorious. 

I understand why and how someone so much younger than you makes you feel so alive. Of course it’s her personality, but as much as you may not want to admit it, it is also her age.

She is filled with all the possibility, hope and vibrancy that we all have at that age, which is part and parcel of everything you have fallen for.

Age gap relationships can sometimes be harder as aging becomes more of a factor. A woman stepping into her forties is stepping into her prime, whereas a man stepping into his late sixties and seventies is slowing down. 

That’s not to say it can’t work, but it is food for thought.

I am sorry that your children don’t approve. We hope that our kids want to see us happy, and yours are old enough to respect your choices, even if they do not approve.

I think you need to tell your children exactly this: You raised them and saw them off in the world, and are thrilled that they have their own lives. You are not asking them to necessarily approve of your choices, but it is important to you that they accept the choices you make. 

You are, after all, old enough to know your own mind, and they are old enough that you no longer have to put their needs before your own.

If they can’t accept your relationship with Molly, you can do what many people in similar circumstances do, which is to see your children separately. Of course it’s not ideal, but I do not think that you should sacrifice your happiness just because your children disapprove of the age gap.