I love my dad so much I can’t bear to think he’ll die one day. I’m grieving him while he’s still alive. I want to hug you, writes BEL MOONEY… here’s the frank truth

Dear Bel,

I am in the States, found you online and admire your takeaways on life.

So what about this? I’m 21 and an only child. My mother is in her 50s, but my dad is much older. He was married before, with three grown-up children from that marriage, who I’m lucky to get on with very well. But they’re so much older than me, it’s different from having proper siblings.

Dad has always been the best – funny, wise, protective, and so proud of me. When I was a kid, he was always young in spirit and full of energy, and the person I looked up to most. But in the past few years I’ve started to notice a change. He’s aged a lot, and sometimes seems physically fragile in a way that makes my heart hurt.

I can’t stop thinking about the future, and it’s making me anxious.

His other children have had him for their whole lives. And while I know they’ll be sad when the time comes, they’ve had so many decades with him, and they have their own families. It breaks me to think he might not meet my children or dance with me at my wedding. I don’t even have a serious boyfriend yet, and it feels like time is racing ahead faster than I can keep up.

He’s going to miss so much, and I’ll miss him so much. I also worry about Mom, frightened about her becoming more of a carer than a wife. She’s still young, and I want her to be able to enjoy life alongside my dad, not feel burdened.

Sometimes I feel like I’m grieving something before it’s even happened – and that’s no way to live. I want to enjoy every moment with my dad without the shadow of fear hanging over me.

How can I stop obsessing over the ‘what ifs’ and learn to live more in the present? How do I make peace with the fact that I might have to say goodbye sooner than I want?

ROSA

Bel Mooney replies: This is such a brave letter and, honestly, my first thought is that I wish I could give you a massive hug for being so frank – writing about a subject so painful and personal.

Interestingly, it hasn’t arisen here before. Yet because older men often marry much younger women and have children with them, I imagine that others have felt as you do.

It is one of the great inequalities in human biology that women have a relatively short ‘window’ of possible child-bearing in their lives, but men can still become fathers in their 80s.

It’s an important stage of development when you recognise your parents as separate beings, not just people there to look after you (as in childhood) but flawed, wonderful, annoying, vulnerable, pitiable, adorable individuals to whom you are, like it or not, inextricably connected.

With that realisation can come great pain. You are watching the father you adored unconditionally become an old man – the bright, strong guy becoming grey and tired and often a touch querulous. He may have health worries, or be more set in his ways, or complain about aches and pains when he used to stride out… all such things are what we endure (and I’m there!) as we age.

Because you’ve been so honest, I’ll add another painful thought. It’s not unusual for the young daughter of a much older father to question the parents’ marriage.

Was it peculiar for her mother to marry somebody old enough to be her dad – who might expect her to look after him one day? For that matter, did he think his child or children might be sad that he looks like a grandfather?

If you have ever had thoughts like those, I beg you not to feel guilty. Your letter, with all its underlying currents, reveals a sensitive, loving young woman, unselfishly concerned about both parents she loves so much.

Becoming aware of and worrying about our parents’ mortality is common when we love them so much. What will life be like when they’ve gone? Who will I turn to? How will the one who’s left cope when I may not be there to help?

I had such thoughts about my parents when I was younger; they lived until their late 90s whereupon the concerns changed. Such worries are one of the prices paid for love. And so, by the way, is taking care of the person you married, for better, for worse. I’m sure your mother knows that.

I understand your wistfulness that you can’t possibly have your father in your life for as long as your half-siblings. It seems unfair, doesn’t it? But your last two questions show that you know quite well the way you have to go.

First, you must accept the cruel fact of mortality, which includes the possibility your mother could also become ill and die, no matter what age she is. That’s how it is. For now, you have to enjoy every moment with your family.

As a project, why not start to put together an album of real photographs of your father’s life? Get a handsome album, old snaps from your siblings and give it to him for Christmas. Instead of premature grieving, celebrate.

Of course, one goodbye must always be the last but it does you no good to dwell on it.

So pinch the back of your hand hard each time you have these intrusive thoughts, to force you to focus on living the glorious, blessed life which those two wonderful, loving parents gave you 21 years ago.

Awful pain has stolen my zest for life

Dear Bel,

I hope you can give me a few answers to my rather foolish question. Since 2023, when I fractured my back, my life has changed and the problem is – how do I accept it?

Suffering from depression (as I think I am, though no doctor has told me) doesn’t help, because all I want to do is sleep. My eyesight is failing and I’m suffering from fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis, too. The result is – I seem to have lost the joy in my life.

I have friends and I still belong to some groups. But I no longer feel up to mixing with people. The effort is too much.

So what I am asking is this: how can a widowed lady of 75 regain her general love of life, after once being so active? Is it possible?

If you suggest to me that all the above is just self-pity, I will totally understand. But that wouldn’t stop me feeling as I do.

HILDA

Bel Mooney replies: There will be many people reading this who feel as you do. As a close friend of mine joked recently: ‘These days things are either hurting or nearly dropping off!’

I’m not saying that to make light of your woes, but to reassure you that lots of mature folk will judge your question as far from ‘foolish’.

Two years ago, that injury to your back inflicted mental as well as physical pain. There’s no surprise there. After an injury, an operation like a hip replacement, a grave family crisis or a serious illness, it’s normal to think, with some despair, that life can’t ever be the same again. And, of course, usually it can’t.

Change is hard to come to terms with at any age, but when you are older it presents more of a challenge, partly because the number of days left is dwindling. I don’t find that realism bleak, but a challenge.

I see nothing wrong with saying you are depressed (although ‘suffering from depression’ is surely a different thing: an illness) but I prefer to use the phrase ‘very down’. This has nothing to do with ‘self-pity’. You have enough wrong with you to justify a feeling of gloom. No wonder your body copes by telling you to zone out into sleep.

You must start tackling individual issues, since only then can you regain the confidence for socialising. I advise you not to withdraw from old friends, but to make a point of being in regular contact with at least two. You need to chat and find out what’s going on in the lives of those closest to you. Make a determined effort.

I looked up the symptoms for fibromyalgia and sadly you tick most of the boxes. But the continuous low-level stress of worrying is likely to make it worse. So maybe I can suggest a few small strategies. I, too, have osteoarthritis and know how vital it is to build muscle strength.

Get yourself a resistance band (obtaining one online is your first task from Dr Mooney) and look up ‘resistance band exercises for fibromyalgia’. You won’t feel like doing them, but that’s your second task.

Then, search for Scope and sign up to join its online community. That way you can interact with sympathetic others. That’s a third thought.

Your eyesight is failing, but do you like to read? If so, I strongly advise you to buy yourself a Kindle – there are second-hand ones readily available. I say that because you can alter the brightness and font size so even those with very compromised eyesight can read. Get one of your friends to help you use it. Losing yourself in a cracking novel might help.

Is it possible to regain a love of life? Yes, although probably not in the same way as before. Nothing stays the same. But you have to help yourself.

Sit outside as much as you can, listen to birdsong, look at trees, make sure you have fresh flowers in your home, listen to music… all these things. The more you do, the more you can achieve and the more you’ll want to be with others. Just wait and see.

And finally… It’s time to swipe away online dating

One of the perennial problems for men and women is how to meet a partner.

Never mind letters to this column, again and again in ‘real life’ I meet people who have gone through a break-up after a long relationship and are ready to start again. But how?

Working from home has been a disaster for the economy and national morale, but also for romance. With no chat at the water cooler or after-work snifters or smoking and flirting outside the building, how do you meet new friends who might become lovers?

Countless people have turned to internet dating, and for the lucky ones it can lead to happiness. But not often. More often it’s a path to disappointment, sexual and financial exploitation, lies and ‘ghosting’.

I’ve heard awful stories from very different women who can even laugh ruefully about the experience.

Still, it seems a tenth of us have met our partners digitally and that number is rising.

Apparently, the negatives are experienced worldwide. A recent study conducted by Polish experts surveyed more than 6,600 people in dozens of countries (including ours), asking them how they met their partners and how happy they were with their romantic lives.

Overall, couples who met offline said they were more satisfied than those who met online, and the people who met the ‘old-fashioned’ way were, on average, more likely to become committed.

The highest rate of divorce is among couples who met online: 15 per cent divorced before the five-year mark.

So, forget swiping left and using the word ‘talking’ for brief texts – go out and actually meet people.

Stop judging others on looks, height, interests, education etc (soulless data) and realise that you can find wonderful companionship with somebody who doesn’t seem your ‘type’ but is a bundle of warmth and fun.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.