I’ve discovered my ‘nice’ neighbor’s dirty secret… what I caught him doing one night was far more disturbing than I realized: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

I just moved into a new house – it’s in a stunning neighborhood with tree-lined streets, in a great school district for my daughter and surrounded by kind neighbors.

In fact, I thought it was the perfect home, and that I’d never leave.

But then I caught a glimpse of my next-door neighbor through his open window one night… and it’s making me rethink everything.

He seemed nice when we moved in, an unassuming single guy who for the most part keeps to himself. Then, just last week, I happened to stay up a bit later than usual after putting my daughter to bed and walked by the window that faces his house.

That’s when I saw him just standing in front of his window… completely naked.

While I initially chalked it up to him forgetting to close his blinds after showering or something, it has continued to happen night after night. He is fully undressed, standing in front of the window, just staring out of it, which is incredibly disturbing.

I don’t know if it’s some bizarre kink, or if he wants me to see, but I can’t have my daughter waking up in the night and accidentally seeing him.

I don’t want to police what he’s doing in his own home, but I also cannot have this continue any more.

Sincerely,

Nude Neighbor

Dear Nude Neighbor,

I am so sorry you are going through this. While it’s easy to assume this is deliberate – like some kind of fetish or kink – it may also be that he doesn’t realize how visible he is.

Whatever the case, you do not need to tolerate anything that makes you, or your daughter, feel unsafe. 

The first thing you need to do is protect your own privacy and space. Close all the blinds on the side of the house that faces his, and ensure your daughter’s room does not face his house. This should immediately buy you some time, and peace, while you consider next options.

Next, as difficult as it is, you need to have a conversation with him.

Rather than attacking, start by saying you have something awkward to discuss, but he may not realize that he is fully visible in his window. You can say that you wanted to give him a heads-up, particularly since you have a young daughter.

This approach avoids accusations and gives him an easy out. 

If nothing changes, you will know that this is deliberate behavior and more action should be taken. 

If he ignores the fact that he can be seen by neighbors, including a child, you need to start documenting when he does this, then you should go to the police.

Dear Jane,

I am convinced my friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her.

She is so obsessed with him that I feel terrible for thinking this, but all of his recent behavior has pointed to it.

He doesn’t show up to anything important for her, and when he does, he’s extremely late. He doesn’t really text her back, but when he does, it’s usually to cancel plans they had because he has to ‘get up early’ the next morning, or has a late workout class to go to that night. She’s also seen other women’s names pop up on his phone, but believes they’re just his friends from the gym or work.

Up until now, whenever she came to me crying that he wasn’t prioritizing her, I would gently try to tell her that maybe he’s just not the one.

But the other day, I saw him walking in our neighborhood with another girl. While there wasn’t any indication that they were on a date, they certainly appeared to be at least flirting with each other.

I know she’ll brush me off if I try to tell her, but I am so fiercely protective of my friends that I want to do everything I can to save her from this horrid relationship and further heartbreak later on.

But do I bother getting involved? If so, how do I tell her to leave him?

Sincerely,

Protective Pal

Dear Protective Pal,

Reading this letter breaks my heart in so many different ways. 

Whether or not he is being unfaithful, the fact that your friend is putting up with a relationship in which she is constantly waiting around for him, where she doesn’t feel prioritized or valued, is upsetting.

I can only imagine how distressing it is for you to watch it happen.

We are so often raised to believe that we must be in a relationship and put up all kind of diminishing behaviors in order to keep that relationship. We live in fear of being broken up with, of losing the one thing that keeps us feeling whole.

And yet, everyone deserves to have a relationship in which they feel valued, seen and loved. This, perhaps, should be the focus of your conversations with your friend. 

I don’t think you should tell her about seeing him with another woman. If she confronts him, he will likely tell her it is just another friend from work or the gym, and will throw you under the bus for telling her. 

It is often the messenger who gets shot, and whether or not he lies to her, it may very well be that you are the one who is punished for revealing this information.

What this boyfriend is doing is what’s known as ‘bread crumbing.’ 

He’s tossing out the odd breadcrumb to keep her attached, all the while behaving in ways that are fueling her insecurity and anxiety. And anytime a woman feels anxious in a relationship, it is invariably a sign that she is not being treated in the way she deserves. 

That unsettled feeling is the activation of our central nervous system, and our bodies always know the truth, even when our brains try and tell us that there’s nothing to worry about.

It would be best for you to talk to your friend about her own self-esteem. Even if you talk in abstract ways about women and relationships, or the importance of valuing yourself enough to not put up with behavior that makes you doubt yourself, some of it may get through.

Hopefully she will eventually reach a point where she realizes she deserves a relationship that makes her feel healthy, whole and loved.